Job hunting frustration #1 - résumé

Since my portfolio is 95% finished now, I need to start looking for jobs, a full time and a part time, a part time job that I can do before I found a full time job. Therefore I started to draft my resume and a cover letter. After I made a very simple copy of my resume I saw J4 online. J4 and I are not closed at all but since he seems to know lots about interviewing so I thought it would be a good idea to show him my resume, which soon I regarded. When he looked at it, he immediately said "well, I see typo” then he just kept counting, and I was like "Shit!". I was so embarrassed. I even have 3 typos in a single sentence. The worst thing is he wasn’t saying in a nice way. I admit that I am really bad in spelling, however, it really was just a draft and I made it in a program that don't have the spell check function. I would never send it to any companies without having someone to check it. However, he just kept attacking me with the typo thing and told me how unprofessional to have so much typo in the resume. I felt totally humiliated by his words. Then he continued to criticize my other problems in my portfolio, not in a harsh but almost abusive way. He made me feel like as if I worth nothing. At that moment, I realized that he wasn't really trying to help. Instead, he was just having a good time from abusing me with my non-professional resume. The interesting part is he suddenly talked about what kind of resume he is looking for when he is looking for a graphic designer for his future web site and he indirectly suggested that he wouldn't consider my resume when he sees it. WTF? Okay, I think its okay to criticize my resume and tell me the do and don't, but when did he come the boss and get to decide if I should get hired or not??? This is just absurd. Moreover, I think some of the things he told me I should do with my resume are quite doubtful, yet, I can’t deny that he did give some constructive advises. After the whole frustrating conversations, the thing that annoys me the most is myself. I can’t believe I actually care the abusive comment that much that I even lost my appetite. I should know that in my future interviews, I am going to encounter countless of people just like him, who likes to step on people just for their amusement, so I should have known how to deal with it. Therefore, this incident teaches me two important things:

- Only show your resume draft to someone you can fully trust. Because a resume is a professional statement of yourself, you don’t want anyone you can’t fully trust to have your incomplete/un-finalized/unprofessional copy of your professional statement.

- Thicken your skin. Try your best to withstand any criticisms from others, even the one that is in bad intentions. Because when they attack, they still need a point. Therefore it’s extremely important to be calm, think through what they’ve said and take only the constructive criticisms, then ignore the rest.

House party

I went to a house party with Jo yesterday. Jo is a 24 white guy who apparently really likes me but he is a mental adolescent. We've been through lots of stupid dramas already. He begged me to give him a chance few weeks ago and eventually I've decided to give it a shot and was going to tell him that last night. But did I tell him? no. Why? Please keep reading.

He called me yesterday telling me he cancelled the plan to go to out of town and asked me if I want to hang out with him in his friend's house party. I said yes and I thought that would be a good chance to tell him we should date. So we went. The house party was just soso therefore we decided to go to a 90's rock club/disco (I have no idea what that kind of places called actually). We danced in the club and I was sitting down on the chair for the most of the time since I was actually exhausted because I work out for 2 hours in that afternoon. We're all drunk, then Jo started to dance with this Asian gay guy. I didn't really give a fuck about that actually. However when I started dancing again jo immediately switched to dance with me and wanted to kiss me. I stopped him and tell him if he wants to date we should not kiss at all, which make sense right?. Half an hour later I felt like I can't take it any more I really needed to sleep so I hug everyone goodbye and left. When I told Jo that I was going to leave, he said, "if you are going now then we are done" WTF? What is that mean? we are done? what is done? Why my exhaustion is related to something getting done? Do I give a fuck about whatever got done? no, so I left

The next day, which is today, he came by to pick up the bag that he left in my place before we went to the house party yesterday. He looked pissed. I didn't really understand that because it doesn't seem he should be the one to be upset, the one who is upset should be me right? I was threatened when I wanted to leave and he wasn't try to understand that I am human too and I could be tired. I asked him why he look pissed and he told me it is because I was acting grumpy last night. He thought I was mad about him dancing with that Asian gay guy, but sadly, the truth is I actually didn't give a fuck. I was just TIRED! damn it! For him, the only one reason why I wanted left must be because of him, what a self-centered guy. The interesting thing is, if he think dancing with an other guy is not appropriate to do in front of me, why would he do it? "I was going to tell you we should date, but you ruin it last night", I was going to say that to him, but I swallowed it down when I about to. I didn't want him feel worse then he already was.

a single man

I finally found my comfort back recently after that stupid incident happened two weeks ago. I am sorry I still don't feel very comfortable to tell what had happened. The only thing i could say is I felt extremely guilty after the incident. I felt like I had done something evil. I literally couldn't eat last week and I lost so much weight. I looked pale and weak. Everybody was telling me I should be the one to be blame but i just can't help blaming myself.

I always thought I could play the bad boy, but I guess with my paranoia of guilt, I could hardly be one.

Therefore, I have been devoting myself to my portfolio development in order to distract myself. The progress has been going smoothly and my portfolio should be finished fairly soon.

I finally got a copy of a single man from the library, I am so thrilled to read it since it adored the movie.

I have nothing to say so i just post my photo

I am not feeling okay lately (emotionally) so I dont have much to say here. Anyway, here my photo

What I am doing today and what happened to me recently

It's 19 degrees here and the weather is absolutely beautiful. I am sitting in a Starbucks and drinking a decaf latte with my Abercrombie T-shirt but this is actually not part of my plan. My original plan was going to my college to work for a while then go to the a book binding workshop that held there later today. However, I didn't know that my school is not opened until the workshop start (because of good Friday), so I walked to the nearest Starbucks and plan to sit until the workshop started.

Lets talk about my recently life since I have plenty of time in this Starbucks. Do you guys still remember the good looking chubby white guy I've mention in my earlier post? We eventually became very good friends since we share VERY similar taste in music and movie, so we hang out very often. I always know that he kinda like me but I did make it clear that I just want to be friend with him. However, last week, After we went to a club together we kinda had sex, we didn't fuck, mostly just hj. We were extremely drunk so I thought I could get away from it. Nevertheless, Few days ago, he brought it up and asked me what was it. I told him it was a mistake and I still want to be friend with him. He asked me if I like him. To be honest, I do, he has a cute and sincere personality. However, I failed to explain to him how relationship is much more then just the feeling. I just don't see we can be each other. I think the biggest problem of him is he is not mature enough for me. I could totally be his boyfriend but I knew it won't last long, and once we break up we can't be friends anymore. Therefore I was insisted for us to just be friends. He told me he is hurt by what I said and told me he rather hear I am not interested in him at all. We didn't talk for days after the conversations until yesterday, he seemed more calm this time and seemed to be willing to be friend with me again...

Why am i being stupid again

I saw W online on facebook today but he wasn't on skype. I said hi to him and asked if he received my email, he said yes and then he asked me if I can delete my message on twitter. The day when he made fun my hair I actually wrote a twitter message saying "some fucking jerk just make fun of my hair, I don't do my hair for you, so you better fuck off and die" I didn't expect he would see it but he happened to see it. When he asked me to delete my message I was confused I didn't understand why do I have to do that, because those messages are like my personal emotion record, and why can't I express my anger on my own page? But at the end I still deleted it, reluctantly, and my respond is "ok, thanks". Then I told him I really dont understand why but he didn't reply and went off line.

After a cup of soothing tea I wrote this email to him

Hi W,

after talking to you on facebook I was very frustrated and upset. Then I drunk some tea and think about the whole thing. I do agree that deleting the rude message is a right thing to do and I also agree that the word I used was overly strong and you would never say the same thing to me even you are anger with me. When you tell me to deleted the message I thought you wanted me to deny the upset feeling I had when you made fun of me, but now I realize it wasn't like that. This incident makes me think that may be I am not that ready to be a friend with you yet, I still care too much of what you say to me and I think it would course more misunderstandings. good luck on everything and we will talk when we meant to talk again

take care

P

XxXxXx

when we began the conversations, I was actually hoping he would ask about the cold I just got...

Why am I being stupid.

this is one of the pictures of me I look after my hair cut and hair dye

I went to have a hair cut last week and I dyed my hair the following day, into a much lighter brown. Thanks for my light skin tone, it doesn't look that awkward on me. After all the transformation my hair had I felt like I should have a new hair style. Therefore the following day I put jel on my hair and made it in Faux Hawk style. I told W that and he immediately asked me to show him my hair on web cam. However, once he saw my hair he sent me this guy's picture, yes, It's Gok Wan (this is the picture he sent me). I didn't know who the hell he was until W explained me. In my opinion, I think he is a very ugly guy and I thought that was a horrible joke to make to a guy who just tried to have a new hair style.

I have to say I have very low self-esteem and It took lots of my courage to try a new hairstyle. I felt like shit when he told me I looked like him. He told me it was just a joke later on but it obviously didn't make me feel any better. I was extremely pissed and I told him I had to hang up on skype with a random reason. I can't get over the all I look like gok wan thing so I sent the following message to him on facebook the that night.

"You are the one who asked me to show my hair to you on cam, but you immediately make fun of me when you see it. I don't understand why you think its funny. It actually hurts"

Then he replied, " sorry - didn't mean to hurt you - i was just being dumb. I really like your hair like that anyway"

I talked to Ri the other day. She said something that I would have said to myself. She told me I shouldn't have acted that uptight and just laughed about it. I can't help to feel like I was being a defensive drama queen... I know it was not very cool but I just can't control it.I was bothered by that for days and eventually I sent him an email yesterday telling him that I am sorry too, for being overacting...

I don't know what I am doing.....I don't know why I still give a shit.....and it's painful

God, could you help me? could you help me to stop loving him?

What happened between me and P after all the drama, Something between me and W

We didn't work out.

He came to Toronto to visit me 2 week after I left montreal. We talked every day online before he came. Everything was fine when he was here, we didn't even have any argument, but we just felt distanced which we both couldn't figure out why. a week later he told me he kissed someone in the club and we should be friend. I was not surprised, yet I was very disappointed and upset, especially after all the dramas. When he told me he likes me in Montreal, I really thought he is the one.

I talked to W about that incident later on. Usually we wouldn't talk about things like that, but I really needed some consolation at that time. Since we opened the "dating topic", we talked about more about our dating life. He told me he had dated twice after we broke up last year and he also confessed to me that he has an other facebook account that he use to talk to other people, especially his gay friends. I was mad, but I can't found a reason to blame him. He told me the reason he didn't want me to know that account is because he doesn't want me to be mad. I don't know if that explanation make sense at all, but I didn't say anything. Then he added me on that account and all I saw on this wall were messages that left by this japanese guy who he used to date long time ago. And In fact, this japanese guy just went to visit him few weeks ago, I was jealous, but, what I could do?