Talking to my Ex

Although I don't have class anymore I still go back to school quite regularly to use the Internet there since my internet in my shared apartment is so fucking slow.

Few days ago, I bumped into my first boyfriend, Alex, a 30 years old white guy with very pale blue eyes. We talked a little bit then I continued my way to the computer lab. I was a bit nervous when I talked to him because It's been a very long time since I talked to him face to face (we usually just say hi if we met, which didn't happen very often anyway).

Then we bumped into each other again few hours later. He was going to get some coffee at the college cafe and I was going to the printing department. Since we both were not in hurry we decided to sit down to chat a bit more. I was a lot more relaxed this time when I talked to him this time. the conversation was really pleasant I must say. He told me he after all the years he studied in college he found out what he really wants to do is drawing illustration and told me he would merry his girl friend when he collects enough money. I also told him my recent life as well then we carry on chatting a bit more.

The conversations totally reminded me how much fun it could be to talk to him. The most important thing is I wasn't bothered by the things that had happened between us when we were together anymore. I can finally let myself go and unload all the negative baggage and feelings. Then I thought about the "friendship" between W and I and asked myself why do I still want to constantly torture myself with the unpleasant things he did to me. I guess it's because if I don't do that, I might fall in love with him again, which is rather easy.

I feel very confused recently and I don't seem to be able to focus on everything at all. I feel like I am seeing the world outside of the universe and I have no control of it.

What changed me?