Why am i being stupid again

I saw W online on facebook today but he wasn't on skype. I said hi to him and asked if he received my email, he said yes and then he asked me if I can delete my message on twitter. The day when he made fun my hair I actually wrote a twitter message saying "some fucking jerk just make fun of my hair, I don't do my hair for you, so you better fuck off and die" I didn't expect he would see it but he happened to see it. When he asked me to delete my message I was confused I didn't understand why do I have to do that, because those messages are like my personal emotion record, and why can't I express my anger on my own page? But at the end I still deleted it, reluctantly, and my respond is "ok, thanks". Then I told him I really dont understand why but he didn't reply and went off line.

After a cup of soothing tea I wrote this email to him

Hi W,

after talking to you on facebook I was very frustrated and upset. Then I drunk some tea and think about the whole thing. I do agree that deleting the rude message is a right thing to do and I also agree that the word I used was overly strong and you would never say the same thing to me even you are anger with me. When you tell me to deleted the message I thought you wanted me to deny the upset feeling I had when you made fun of me, but now I realize it wasn't like that. This incident makes me think that may be I am not that ready to be a friend with you yet, I still care too much of what you say to me and I think it would course more misunderstandings. good luck on everything and we will talk when we meant to talk again

take care

P

XxXxXx

when we began the conversations, I was actually hoping he would ask about the cold I just got...

Why am I being stupid.

this is one of the pictures of me I look after my hair cut and hair dye

I went to have a hair cut last week and I dyed my hair the following day, into a much lighter brown. Thanks for my light skin tone, it doesn't look that awkward on me. After all the transformation my hair had I felt like I should have a new hair style. Therefore the following day I put jel on my hair and made it in Faux Hawk style. I told W that and he immediately asked me to show him my hair on web cam. However, once he saw my hair he sent me this guy's picture, yes, It's Gok Wan (this is the picture he sent me). I didn't know who the hell he was until W explained me. In my opinion, I think he is a very ugly guy and I thought that was a horrible joke to make to a guy who just tried to have a new hair style.

I have to say I have very low self-esteem and It took lots of my courage to try a new hairstyle. I felt like shit when he told me I looked like him. He told me it was just a joke later on but it obviously didn't make me feel any better. I was extremely pissed and I told him I had to hang up on skype with a random reason. I can't get over the all I look like gok wan thing so I sent the following message to him on facebook the that night.

"You are the one who asked me to show my hair to you on cam, but you immediately make fun of me when you see it. I don't understand why you think its funny. It actually hurts"

Then he replied, " sorry - didn't mean to hurt you - i was just being dumb. I really like your hair like that anyway"

I talked to Ri the other day. She said something that I would have said to myself. She told me I shouldn't have acted that uptight and just laughed about it. I can't help to feel like I was being a defensive drama queen... I know it was not very cool but I just can't control it.I was bothered by that for days and eventually I sent him an email yesterday telling him that I am sorry too, for being overacting...

I don't know what I am doing.....I don't know why I still give a shit.....and it's painful

God, could you help me? could you help me to stop loving him?

What happened between me and P after all the drama, Something between me and W

We didn't work out.

He came to Toronto to visit me 2 week after I left montreal. We talked every day online before he came. Everything was fine when he was here, we didn't even have any argument, but we just felt distanced which we both couldn't figure out why. a week later he told me he kissed someone in the club and we should be friend. I was not surprised, yet I was very disappointed and upset, especially after all the dramas. When he told me he likes me in Montreal, I really thought he is the one.

I talked to W about that incident later on. Usually we wouldn't talk about things like that, but I really needed some consolation at that time. Since we opened the "dating topic", we talked about more about our dating life. He told me he had dated twice after we broke up last year and he also confessed to me that he has an other facebook account that he use to talk to other people, especially his gay friends. I was mad, but I can't found a reason to blame him. He told me the reason he didn't want me to know that account is because he doesn't want me to be mad. I don't know if that explanation make sense at all, but I didn't say anything. Then he added me on that account and all I saw on this wall were messages that left by this japanese guy who he used to date long time ago. And In fact, this japanese guy just went to visit him few weeks ago, I was jealous, but, what I could do?

Dating an 18-year-old. (1)

Oh man, I don't even know where to start.

About a year ago, there was this random white dude added me on facebook. I don't usually add people I don't know in person on facebook but I made a exception on that one. We were nothing more then just random facebook buddies who would leave comments to each others photos occasionally. We weren't even friends so we've never actually chatted and I didn't even know if he is gay or not. Until a week ago he added me on msn, he told me he just moved to the city where I am currently living in and he wanted to date me because he think I am extremely cute. It was very straight forward indeed. I would love to date him if he is not that much younger, well, I've always known he is younger but just didn't know he is that young, 18, are you serious? and the thing is, I am almost sure he is a bottom from his look (like a cutesy emo boy look and always in his tight women jeans just like I do), why would I date a 18-year-old bottom? However, within this three day's chatting, he kept trying to prove me how much of a Top he is, a dominant one, he constantly reinforced. He would say the most nasty things to me to prove to me how "mature" he is, sexually. Honestly, I was a bit turned on by those nasty words but I would never let him know I was turned on by them. In fact, well, if he was telling me the truth, he actually had so much more sex experience then I ever had. He told me his first time was 14. It was just crazy. My first time was fucking 20. I just can't believe how horny this generation's teenagers are. Anyway, he kept asking me for a date and I kept rejecting with the same reason, which is "you are too young", every time when he hears it he told me who shallow I am and how I shouldn't limit myself by the age.

Am I really shallow? Is age really just a game of numbers and only mentality should count? or the idea of men should always be bigger, stronger, older, smarter is inborn in our mind that we just can't resist?

I even told W about this. It was kinda weird, because that was the first time I've ever brought up a topic about dating an other guy. He told me the same thing about I should be open to that and he actually told me I should try to date him but just don't tell him all the details. Then I started thinking maybe I should give it a try to prove I can be "open" too, but I still wasn't sure because some times he does sound like a kid, a kid who wants to talk like a adult. Until 3 days ago, he told me he wanted to guess what kind of person I would want to be with in an relationship.

This is what he said:
Sam=18-year-old boy P=25-year-old Princesm

Sam: You like to be treated gentlemanly, you like to be paid for, but you like to retain some independance.. You like to be talked to sweetly as opposed to harshly. You like to be held
P: okay, tell me more
Sam: Lol.. You like to be cared for but you also are subservient. You like to cook for a man and you like to be appreciated for your talents.
P: I also like to stand tiptoe and kiss a man who is teller then me
P: okay, i will give you a chance
Sam: that's so cute.. That's one of my fave things about shorter guys!

So, we went on a date the following day

to be continued...

Love in the club?

There is 365 days in a year so if you divide it into weeks it would have around 51.4 weeks a year. If we go clubbing in all the Fridays and Saturdays, then, including new year and X'mas party, there are approximately 106 clubbing nights a year. People go to clubbing for different reasons, some go there just for fun, some for the music and dance, some for the drama, some for ONS, and, some of them actually look for love. but

Is there love in the club?

A lot of you guys must be laughing at me when you see I even raise this question. There is no love in the club seem to be such an universal truth that every body should have known and I should have known it earlier, way earlier. The main reason I used to believed in it is because of W. I met W in a club in Hong Kong when I was 22 and before that, I didn't believe in love in the club as well. Therefore I was being so skeptical about him, but it turned out he is one of the most decent homosexual human being I have ever met in my life (except the part of how he deals with relationship). Meeting him changed my view of meeting people in the club and that also made me felt like I can see something that other people do not see. You know, it actually feels pretty good to think you have an insight others don't have. But today, after going through so many disappointments, although I don't want to, I have to say that I lost my faith in founding love club anymore. Of course there are exceptions, see how I met W, but the probability of that seems to share the same rate of getting winning a lottery ticket. So, instead of sitting and waiting to win the lottery, why don't we do something constructive? I am not shame of being used to believe such thing as well, this is what youth about? having faith in something silly, even ridiculous sometimes. Therefore, I would suggest you should keep believing in whatever you are believing, time, not me or any books, will tell you what is right in your life. life just would be more fun that way.

happy birthday to me!

Today is my 25 year old birthday!!

This is the first photo result if you type in "Birthday" in google image

In the past week I have successfully ignored the fact that my 25 year old b-day is coming. I'm actually surprised I would be so unexcited by my birthday since I used to be very excited about my own birthday. Although that strategy is a bit silly but it did help me to enjoy my last bit of 24 instead of having the 25 years old OLD panic. However, the consequence of the stupid strategy is I am not able to get any one to have supper with my tonight since it is so last minutes. Well, its true that its abit lonely for me but my friends are going to make it up for me this week, so its better.

Although I didn't get any one to celebrate with me today but I did get quite a lot of greeting calls from my friends including my ex W. He called me on skype and said his happy b-day then we played TV games together for a while. While we were on skype T called and he wanted to talk about tomorrow's made up b-day lunch. When I picked up the phone I kinda used a cutesy tone to talk to him. After I hang up the phone W immediately went, "WHO WAS THAT? WHY DID YOU TALK TO HIM WITH THE CUTESY TONE????", he was totally over acting. I thought he was being silly so I just changed the topic. However, after few minutes of chat he asked he same question again and I was a bit piss at that moment, "THATS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS" I yelled in my mind. The relationship T and I is nothing more then just pure friendship but since I really dont care what he think about me anymore so I didn't bother to explain to him. I decided to just let him to be annoyed.

anyway!!! back to my b-day, as my wish I made in the new year day, my wish is to be a stronger, emotionally and physically and world peace!! (its not lame!!! okay!?!?)

Meeeeeeeeeeeeee

I have been playing Call of duty: modern warfare 2 for the past few days non-stop and i still suck at this stupid shooting game. This is actually the first "first person shooting" game i have ever perched and so i am not ashamed of the fact that I am not that good at it, but, WHY WOULD I DIE SO EASILY?? whereas other online players don't seem to fall that easily like me, WHY!?!?!?!? so annoying.

W called again on Friday, the last time he called was almost 2 months ago. I felt much better when he called this time and I didn't seem to care what happened anymore so we just chatted. May be I am just so sick of giving a shit of what he did so much. We chatted for almost 2 hours, mostly boring stuff, but i guess that's not the point of this conversation. The point of this conversation is really about we can finally move on and start being friends. I really don't know if i really can just be friends with him to be honest, but I seem to be fine with it today, hell knows what I will think tomorrow.

This Korean dude makes me smile :)

W, still

I felt very bad after sending him the email, knowing that he probably would not call anymore.

When I think about all the bad things that he did to me when he was here and all the sufferings that I have been thought plus the fact that he could just talk to me again without mentioning a thing about what happened, not even an proper apology, I really do believe sending him that “never-call-again” email was a right thing to do. However, pathetically, I do really miss him. Therefore sometimes I would tell myself that the fact that he is calling and being all gentle might be the best case scenario already because my dignity will never allow me to call him after what happened, thus I shouldn’t have ruined it, because it might be the only chance for us to get back together.

I am real pathetic, I know.

I kinda regard that I didn’t tell him the “lying” incident was not the whole reason why I don’t want to talk to him anymore because I wanted him to know he has done other bad things to me too, which I was too chicken to complain since I wanted to protect the “relationship” that I thought we had at the time, and to let him suffers from it as well since he seems like he still give a shit.

Anyway, I've spent hours and hours everyday thinking if what I've done was a right thing to do and it was real painful.

Few hours ago, I got this email from him

I'm sorry... 

I really miss you as a friend, and hope you wont be angry at me forever.. I'm sorry I hurt you - I was wrong.

Dont want to bug you if you dont want to talk to me, so if you feel like you could forgive me, maybe you could get in touch some time..



W

Miss me as a friend? What? Friend? What on earth would make you think that we were friends before? Have I ever said I want to be friend with you? Anyway, it wouldn't be any different if he said he misses because of other reasons and at least I got a relatively more thoughtful apologize now then the shitty one that he wrote me before. I don't know what to write back to him yet, in fact, i don't even know what i am supposed to feel right now...

So, I have decided...

W called again yesterday and I knew he would call.

I actually planned to tell him not to call anymore when he calls again because I started thinking about him more and more after he called last week

but i didn't tell him when he called yesterday, instead, we had a pleasant conversation for more then an hour

However, the conversation still ended badly.

W: How was your weekend?
me: Not much, you?
W: not much either, my friends were busy, so I was staying at home all the time
me: same here, especially I don't have much friends left in here now and i found it hard to know new friends
W: I found it hard too

Right at that moment, It reminded me how he laid about meeting his "friend" who he met from internet through a dating website. I just can't help to get angry

me: How come? I think you are good at that.
W: No i am not
me: well, you have your way to do it
W: what?
me: I said you have your way to do it

Then he realized what I was referring to then we both went silence. Then I realized I had said something I shouldn't have said because i don't want him to know I still give a shit. Afterward, I told him I had things to do so i had to go. At the moment, i know I have to end it, I can't talk to him like I am some sort of time bomb that I don't know when I will explode.

I sent him this email few hours after the phone call.

W,

I had a really good time talking to you today and last week, but I just can't keep talking to you and pretend nothing have happened. What happened still hurts, therefore I think we should stop talking. I am sure you will understand and I hope we can be friends someday.

regards
P

It hurts so bad to tell such things to a person who you love...

Yup, W called again

Last Sunday, I got a phone call while I was preparing the "peanuts chicken feet" soup for the night. I totally thought It was my friend R because I was going to meet her the next day. However, when I answered the phone I had this unfamiliar voice saying hello to me but without calling my name. I immediately thought that is a miss-dial or one of those stupid cold-calls.

him: Hello
me: yes?
him: hey, it's me
me: you are?
him: guess who i am (honestly I really HATE when people do this)
me: arrrr, T? (I didn't think he is T, but if he insist that I have to guess, then that would be my only answer)
him: no
me: hmmmm, i really have no idea, can you just tell me who you are?
him: It's W.

I was in shocked and froze for few seconds because I really didn't expect he would call me, at least not by phone.

that was the first conversation we had since we had a fight in july

Then I bursted into laughter and tried to use the laughter to cover my embarrassment. In the past two years, we talked at least once a week and now I don't even recognize his voice. I was embarrassed but I also felt quite good by the fact that I was forgetting him and now he knows it too.

I didn't expect he would call because the last time he told me he would, he didn't, which is a good thing actually, I know if we keep talking I will never be able to forget him, I would rather things end like that. Sometimes I do wonder why he is not calling, which I was doing again in that morning. I told him that, I told him it's interesting that I was just thinking about him in the morning and now he is calling. Right after that he went, "oh, why were you thinking about me?" I guess he wanted me to say i miss him but obviously i didn't. Then he told me he misses me a lot but I didn't say anything afterward. Then we chatted like how we usually do. I told him I went to Vancouver and he told me he went to LA in the same period of time. I found that rather ironic that we were actually that close geographically. In our conversation, he was constantly telling me he "have so much things that he wants to tell me", I guess that is the other way of him saying he misses me. Anyway, I ended our conversation by telling him I have to continue cooking, which is partly true, but the fact is I can not bear the fact that he is always the one who ends the conversation in the past anymore, therefore, i have to be the one who ends the conversation this time and will not give him a chance to believe he is getting the same old person who can take advantage of back.

W, what the hell are you doing?

Email from W

I got W's email three days ago.

this is what he wrote

OK.. I've been away from town for a few days but hopefully talk to you soon.

I guess he is trying to tell me he was away so he couldn't go online to call me for the past few days.

I know he goes back to his parents place on the weekend fairly often but COME ON!!!!! I sent the email which i told him he could call me on skype last Wednesday, was he out last thursday and and friday too?? grrrr, this guy disgust me!

More W

Few days ago, I sent an email to W telling him if he really want to talk he could call if he sees me online. (since I've deleted him on skype, as well as msn)

I dont have one concrete reason to explaiun why i did that becasue i am sure it has more then one reason why i did that.

All of my friends asked me why am i doing it to myself. They're all telling me the reason i am making myself available is because i want to lie to myself me and him still have hope.

That is very normal to think but i really don't think thats true, at least not the major part of it.

yes I love him and i really hope he could do things to make me forgive him. but i know it is not happening and i know exactly there're no hope between us.

In the past three weeks, I thought about him every single day but every time i thought about him and the things he that did to me(not only that meeting-online-gay-guy incident) i would get very pissed and angry. What he's been doing is manipulating my love for him. I just can't forgive him by doing that to me. I know I am responsible too, i should have gone away from him long time ago but i didn't. Anyway, i just know we can't be together anymore, not even friends.

then why am i doing that.

I really don't know...

tell me, was I wrong?

W called.

Few days ago, W left me message in skype telling me he miss and and miss talking me in early morning.

but i didn't reply

The next day, He messaged me again in the morning. I usually wouldn't wake up that early but because i had a appointment with the hair dresser that day therefore i was there when he me messaged me. He said hey and few seconds later he tried to call me from skype. I was so nervous i didn't know what to do at all. It wasn't as easy as just ignoring his text message. I don't know how to explain why but its just hard. I felt like i have to make a decision in such a short time. It didn't occrue to me ignoring his phone cell is an opinion, all i can thought about was whether "answer" or "refuse". Trust me, I want to talk to him more then anything in the world, but i refused his call. Again, i really didn't know what to think, but that time I know if i answer the phone call I will fall into his trap again.

then he sent the following message to me:

"P, I would not bug you and annoy you again so i won't call you again, I just want to tell you I really miss you and want to talk to you"

I was so nervous my sweat is all over my body. I was sad too, sad that he told he would not call again.

I tried so hard to type something but i couldn't. After 10 minutes of struggling, i finally went:

"anything important?"

"no, i just want to talk to you"

"K, bye"

this is how our conversation ended

Recent me

I know I know, i haven't been updating my blog for a week.

it just.....I haven't been in a good mood since i stopped talking with W. I basically couldn't do anything. I was just working out and watching drama in the past two weeks. I am never a work out person (please dont imagine me having a masculine body, gross) but during the first week of ignoring him. I know and i told myself i need something to focus on beside thinking about him so i joined a gym near by where I live. The original intention of joining it is just for their swimming pool cuz Swimming can clear my mind because when i swim, I could only think about swim but nothing else. It feels so great to be in the water and being care free, both mind and body. I almost go to gym everyday now and now I've already lost 4 lbs and my muscles are all toned up. I guess I shouldn't be too sad cuz at last i dont feel trashy about my body anymore.

oh, by the way, after a long drag, T and S finally broke up (i am sure its not because of me :P). However, the one who really suffer from this doesn't seem to be either T or S but me cuz they both keep blaming each other to me after the break up. honestly i really dont want to know, but since i am their friend i guess i have no choose but to suck it up. the only thing i could do save myself some brain cells is to shut up and listen to them otherwise if i dare to give any comments and agreemants of what they said it means i am willing to be the judge between them that means I will even suffer more.

anyway, T and S, good luck with your break up and I dont want to know more about how much you guys hate each other

The delayed apologize.

I got W's email yesterday.

It was a apologizing email. Honestly i am really surprised i would even got his email again after I've called him a jerk (dont get me wrong, i did mean it), let alone he would apologize of what he did.

anyway, this is the email

"Hey P.

i really hate you being angry at me.. i'm sorry about it - i've thought about what you said and i was wrong.. I hope you'll forgive me and we can talk soon..

W"

I didn't reply. i guess its because i am still angry with him. that few sentences are definitely not enough to make me forgive what he did. Moreover, In that email he just seemed he just dont want me to be angry with him but to acknowledge he really did somthing wrong. you know most of the people would not want to be accused to be a jerk. More importantly, that incident was just a wake up call, I should have leave him much earlier anyway. I am glad that this email is not that well written, otherwise I really dont know if i can still keep my strength to stay away from him.

W, goodbye

I talked to him this morning, totally disappointing, he was being total a jerk

he told me he was not sorry and kept telling me that I was over reacting.

W, Please don't tell me what i suppose to think/feel when you do something wrong.

I really had enough of his bullshit and I had to call him a jerk and asked him to shut up. Then I hanged up.

I always hope he could be the perfect man to make me believe such decent human being does exist.

This hurt, and I know this is a wake up call.

goodbye W, you might not be the perfect guy, but the perfect image you've left me would will never die and I will keep it safely in mind.

I will be strong. I believe the one is waiting for me.

W, its time to say goodbye........

its 2 a.m. in the morning right now, quite sleepy, but i know if i dont keep this blog as update as i can i might just leave it especially when it comes to bad memories. Writing them is like ripping off the wound.

okay, lets start

The whole thing started a week ago when we were chatting on skype. It was just a casual chat and we were just talking about whatever. Then he told me he went to this decent restaurant to have beer with his friend the other night and kept telling me how good it was. honestly, I didn't suspect a thing when he told me that and then i just casually asked who that was, then he just said a friend of his (i should have sensed soemthing wrong by then cuz he usually just say the name of the friend, but whatever, i still didn't suspect a thing). Then i dont know if he felt guilty or what, he told me that was a gay friend. Well, since he said that, if coz i would want to know more now, i asked him where did he meet him, then he told me he met him through a friend, then i go "oh, is that friends called 'internet'"? then he said yes. You know, i really dont know what i should said at that point, all i can think of is to be calm, I tried to think about us and i thought me and him are not boyfriends anymore so he techically could do anything he wanted, so i was trying to act fine and finish the conversation. In fact, that was a quite decently conversation beside that. However, the more i thought about that the more i felt that is wrong. especially when he went back to UK last month he promised me not to meet anyone online before i go there to visit him later this summer. I made that clear, not from Internet because last year he meet a guy from Internet and that guy turned out became his boyfriend for few months. Thats why i was being specific. However, he broke his promise. then we chatted online few days later, i asked him why would he do that? and all he said was "come on, he is just a friend". dude, it wasn't conviencing at all. meeting a friend from a dating site?? what kind of friend you want to meet? and asian? the type that you are attracted to? and why do you have to lie about how you guys meet? if meeting him is such a normal thing why didn't you tell me you have met a friend when you first met him? everything everything, W, you are so disappointing and the fact that you normalize the whole thing made me sick. the worst thing is he totally dont want to answer those questions and just made some excuse to dismiss me on msn. He told me his roommate and his roommate's boyfriend has arrived so he need to go. he did mention they would go to his room and drink in his place earlier, but come on, you dismiss me just like that?? Every time when someone call him while i am having a conversation with him on the phone or msn he would just dismiss me. it wasn't pleasant but i am fine with that since we weren't talking something really important. but now, how could you just dismiss me like that??? can you just tell your roommate to wait?? where do they live?? under your room!!!!!! fucker.

anyway, he emailed me the next day and pretend nothing happened.

i didn't answer the email

next day, he emailed again and ignore the whole incident and asked me if i could take a look of his website and give some comments to his site and he told me he would on line between 7-8 his time.

W, how could you just ignore that and when you dont want to talk to me you could just dismiss me like that. now you expect me to wait for you?? huh??

I didn't wait, i went to gym, i know he might call so i put my cell in the locker as well.

when i finsh working out i found that he did called. i didn't reply it either

the next day (yesterday), he emailed ma again asking me if i okay cuz i never reply this email and take his call. but wait, why do you suddenly care now? sometime you could just not emailing and calling me for a whole week. anyway, he called, honestly i still want to ask him why he can think what he did is okay, but my brain just went blank. I told him i was really upset and i dont understand, i need time, then i hanged up...

seriously

i dot know what i suppoes to say, suppose to do, suppose to think, sometime i even wonder if what he did is actually normal. i dont know....my hand just can't function properly....

What am I expecting

I really don't know whats wrong with me.

I have been feeling very depressed for days and today is the worst.

W called me today, after haven't communicated for a week. I wanted to pretend i am actually not that happy but I can't. However, something happened in our conversion and it made my whole day stayed miserable. Recently he found this interesting book named "riddley walker" by Russell Hoban and he was sharing me the story line. Since the story line is really interesting and I found a lot of similarity between some mangas that I have read therefore I started talking when he was still explaining the story too. I guess he was annoyed by my interruption and he finally said, "Why are you over talking me?" it was quite sudden and i didn't know how to respond. then i go "i am sorry I was just excited" I really dont understand why would he say that. I know thats annoying to get interrupted but there are million better ways to tell me to shut up, he could just say "hey, can i finish my sentence?" but "Why are you over talking me?"??? Excuse me? do you think i did that because i think it is fun to do?? anyway i was pissed but i didn't tell him, but i guess he kinna know that he told he get angry easily due to the weather. WHAT A SHITTY REASON. Anyway, after we finished the conversion i when to do some shipping alone and i really can't help thinking what happened in the morning. The more I thought about that the more i got pissed. Eventually I wanted to email him how pissed i was. Actually it is very usual for me to do that. When i got annoyed, i would kinna let it go at that time and pretend nothing happened(cuz i dont know how to react). but then i would spend hours to think about it and the more i think about it the more negative I would get. I am sure i get this from my mum because my mum is exactly like this. anyway, i was so pissed i was about to send this "clarification" emails to him. However, since this is not the first time he does it and everytime i did at i feel bad after. Therefore i decided to call one of my best friend A.

A is a very rational girl who gives the best comment in the world. Instead of giving emotional support, like "Waht a jerk!" "I feel so sorry for you" blah blah blah, she tends to analyze the situation and tell me what she think as a thrid person, her comments have always been very neutral. anyway, this is our conversion on skype:

A: 19:06:40

hmm, maybe it's the attitude he had and the way he framed it, cos actually i would apologize to the other person if i interrupted unintentionally

P: 19:07:03

i did apologize

A: 19:07:06

i guess he could've said it in a better way

P: 19:07:28

but i also feel bad when he said that

A: 19:07:51

i realize that he really knows how to push your buttons...i don't think he does it intentionally, but a lot of the things he says can really upset you

but some ppl are like that

P: 19:08:30

should i tell him i am upset?

A: 19:08:32

they tend to draw the more negative sides of us out

P: 19:08:52

you know , sometimes i even thing he think he can be rude to me because i like him

A: 19:09:04

well...i dunno...i'm not him, so i dunno if he'll get annoyed by all these "clarification" emails

P: 19:09:35

sigh................i know

but i still think what he said is rude

i have decided i will tell him next time i tlak to him

A: 19:13:00

actually, if i were you, i'll just let it go...

let me explain

it seems like you won't think he's suitable for you as a BF anyway, so he's more like a fren

and yet as friends, you guys dont' seem to be getting along that well either

cos rarely do frens always run into situations where there's misunderstanding, miscommunication etc. that requires a lot of clarification

i mean, once in a while there may be conflicts, but you guys have those tensions a lot

so depending on what you expect from him and your friendship with him, if you don't hold high hopes, then i would just let it go

P: 19:16:01

maybe i dont now what to expect from him

A: 19:17:56

i think you'll have to evaluate if this friendship is doing you more harm than good...is it making you happier or is it bringing you more problems and misery? and if you realize that you're always upset by him, then maybe you wanna readjust your distance with him...

i know it's hard cos you still have a bit of feelings for him; there's so much history and you guys do share some common grounds

but usually it's not all-or-none, you're probably never gonna hate him, and yet you gotta draw clearer boundaries

I totally agree on what A said, therefore, I ended up didn't send that Email I have drafted thousand times in my head. I am so glad I talk to A before I took the action. I really how bad i would feel this time if i did send....

anyway, its time to sleep...

All about moving.

Don't worry, I am not moving this site, I meant I actually moved, physically.

The main reason I had to move is i didn't really get along with my previous roommate. Not only because they are couples and i feel like there are two people against me, but also their filthy life style, shity attitude, irresponsible personality. How filthy they are? one actually asked me if its because the "sex" sound that they made. But the answer is NOT, not at all if it compares what i had experienced in that place. I remember one time i found actual HUMAN shit in the bath tub that's all i can tell you. DONT ASK FOR MORE DETAIL!!! How irresponsible they are? I actually found out they constantly write bouncy check to the rent office and Internet supplier. Interesting enough, I still wasn't planning to move out until that thing happened when W came to visit me one month ago cuz moving is such a hassle, from telling them i had to move, looking for new places to actually moving into the new place. I was so stressed i can't even eat properly and my weight drooped rapidly(thats the only thing I feel less sad). Anyway, the moment that really triggers me to leave is a battery, yes a battery. When W came to visit me we planned to go to a Small trip to meet up his friend in US. Few days. A week before we left I found that the fire alarm battery was low and it made weird nose. My roommate promised he would change the battery but he didn't. You know although you never really "use" the fire alarm but we kinna need a working one, especially when i am not home. Therefore I brought a new battery for the fire alarm before we went to the trip and i leave the receipt and a note asking them for half of the battery cost which is not expensive at all. However, i got a nasty sms on the way of my trip about why would I asked them for money. The interesting thing is in the sms he is not only making excuse of how he should not pay for it but also accusing me for asking it. To be honest I am the kind who is very easy got bother by this kind of thing, and i could get very nervous. the worst part of these is i can't talk to him face to face. That sms is like a long-distance slap from him. Right there, that is the time that I decided to move.

Bonce story: GAY RAPE ALARM

When W heard that I wanted to move he was really happy not only because he think my roommates are nothing but jerks but also he provoked one of the creepy guy in my previous apartment building. Yes, In my previous apartment building there is this creepy guy who always acts very wired when he sees me. The first time we "met" was on the bus, when we saw me he just kept staring at me which was supper awkward. Ever since we "met" when he sees me (mostly in the elevator) he would keeps staring at me and dose strange things like whistling and small dance, yes, small dance in elevator! One time that really creeps me out is he followed me for quite long distance. However, because I think the area where i live is quite crowed so I never thought it would be very dangerous. However, When W came, the first day, he met his creepy guy at the lobby of my building, i still dont know if its a mistake to tell him about the creey guy. anyway, i told him, and W was really angry after i told him and he looked at him angrily when he pass us. To be honest I did feel happy because he kinna protected me. However, what about after he leave? When W leave he can't protect me like this time and now W had provked him...soon he realized that was a impetuous move and he told me i had to move out this area and even if i should get a rape alarm....and i was like, "rape......wait!?......rape alarm??? for me??? what??" and he was like "yea, you should carry it and if he try anything stupid you have ring your alarm!!" I have never heard stupid idea like that before for a long time but at least i know he cares. anyway thats why he is happy when he know I am moving.