House party

I went to a house party with Jo yesterday. Jo is a 24 white guy who apparently really likes me but he is a mental adolescent. We've been through lots of stupid dramas already. He begged me to give him a chance few weeks ago and eventually I've decided to give it a shot and was going to tell him that last night. But did I tell him? no. Why? Please keep reading.

He called me yesterday telling me he cancelled the plan to go to out of town and asked me if I want to hang out with him in his friend's house party. I said yes and I thought that would be a good chance to tell him we should date. So we went. The house party was just soso therefore we decided to go to a 90's rock club/disco (I have no idea what that kind of places called actually). We danced in the club and I was sitting down on the chair for the most of the time since I was actually exhausted because I work out for 2 hours in that afternoon. We're all drunk, then Jo started to dance with this Asian gay guy. I didn't really give a fuck about that actually. However when I started dancing again jo immediately switched to dance with me and wanted to kiss me. I stopped him and tell him if he wants to date we should not kiss at all, which make sense right?. Half an hour later I felt like I can't take it any more I really needed to sleep so I hug everyone goodbye and left. When I told Jo that I was going to leave, he said, "if you are going now then we are done" WTF? What is that mean? we are done? what is done? Why my exhaustion is related to something getting done? Do I give a fuck about whatever got done? no, so I left

The next day, which is today, he came by to pick up the bag that he left in my place before we went to the house party yesterday. He looked pissed. I didn't really understand that because it doesn't seem he should be the one to be upset, the one who is upset should be me right? I was threatened when I wanted to leave and he wasn't try to understand that I am human too and I could be tired. I asked him why he look pissed and he told me it is because I was acting grumpy last night. He thought I was mad about him dancing with that Asian gay guy, but sadly, the truth is I actually didn't give a fuck. I was just TIRED! damn it! For him, the only one reason why I wanted left must be because of him, what a self-centered guy. The interesting thing is, if he think dancing with an other guy is not appropriate to do in front of me, why would he do it? "I was going to tell you we should date, but you ruin it last night", I was going to say that to him, but I swallowed it down when I about to. I didn't want him feel worse then he already was.

Why am i being stupid again

I saw W online on facebook today but he wasn't on skype. I said hi to him and asked if he received my email, he said yes and then he asked me if I can delete my message on twitter. The day when he made fun my hair I actually wrote a twitter message saying "some fucking jerk just make fun of my hair, I don't do my hair for you, so you better fuck off and die" I didn't expect he would see it but he happened to see it. When he asked me to delete my message I was confused I didn't understand why do I have to do that, because those messages are like my personal emotion record, and why can't I express my anger on my own page? But at the end I still deleted it, reluctantly, and my respond is "ok, thanks". Then I told him I really dont understand why but he didn't reply and went off line.

After a cup of soothing tea I wrote this email to him

Hi W,

after talking to you on facebook I was very frustrated and upset. Then I drunk some tea and think about the whole thing. I do agree that deleting the rude message is a right thing to do and I also agree that the word I used was overly strong and you would never say the same thing to me even you are anger with me. When you tell me to deleted the message I thought you wanted me to deny the upset feeling I had when you made fun of me, but now I realize it wasn't like that. This incident makes me think that may be I am not that ready to be a friend with you yet, I still care too much of what you say to me and I think it would course more misunderstandings. good luck on everything and we will talk when we meant to talk again

take care

P

XxXxXx

when we began the conversations, I was actually hoping he would ask about the cold I just got...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 4

Continuing...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Day 4, 20th, Saturday

I felt so tired when I woke up. It felt like I didn't sleep at all. When M saw me woke up he gave me this a calm smile and a hug, but I knew it wasn't all sincere, he was just trying to be calm. However, to me, I really didn't care if his smile is real or not, I just wanted to get things over with and at least he was trying. However, I still didn't feel very comfortable around the house since I thought both P and M hated me, so I went out. I kept wandering around the downtown montreal for hours and by the time I went back to their place was around 5 p.m.. When I get back to that place I saw P was getting really to go out. Then M told me that P needed to work that night so we would just go clubbing with him and B. I wasn't that surprised that P decided to go to work rather then hang out with us since what had happened, but I was really surprised that we were still going to clubbing at all that night.

So, I came up a plan

A plan that I thought it would weaken the impact of that had happen. I decided to act like a whore in the club and kiss whoever so M would think I am a slut and the kiss that I had with P was just a causal kiss that doesn't mean anything to us. Since I thought they hate me anyway, I really don't think I will ever see them again, therefore I really had nothing to lose, and moreover.....I got to be a slut too.

We sent to B's place for the pre drink before going to the club. It was very obvious that M was still upset because he was really trying to get himself drunk. When we got to the club I immediately tried to spot a guy to make out with. However, I wasn't the only one who was playing the slut, M did the same too. I ended up making out with two different guys and M just kept kissing whoever he saw. By the end of the night he was so drunk that he couldn't even stand up and walk. I needed to hold him to walk when we left the club. P told M that he would take us home after he finish work so we decided to just wait for P at B's place since he lives close by the village. M wasn't conscious at all by the time we arrived to B's place. Then B told me something which is rather shocking, for me.

He told me P actually really likes me and wants to talk to me. I was astonished because for all those times I thought he hated me he actually liked me. Then B told me his plan, yea, another plan for the night, which is letting P takes me home while M is sleeping in B's sofa. Even though it sounded like a terrible idea, I didn't have a better plan on this situation, so I decided to just do whatever his plan was. Moreover, I really can't resisted the idea to finally get to talk to P privately especially since B told me P actually likes me I can finally open my mind to allow myself to release my affection for P.

P arrived 20 minutes later than I got in his car. It felt really weird because we didn't even had a proper conversation before that and now he is taking me home for a chat. I was scared and excited, I'm sure he was too. However, the nightmare came true, when we were still on the the car, M called. I rejected the call and he called again and again. Eventually we decided to turn off our phones, it was scary. We start chatting after we got to his place. The first thing I told him was the reason why I was being a slut in the club, because B told me that P's friend saw me in the club so P knew everything that happened in the club that night. P told me it was fine after my explanation and we carried on chatting. That chat was nice until we hear the taxi out side the building. We knowing it was M. When M got home he was yelling and pounding the floor, I was super scared. Then M took a shower and sat beside us. First he blamed us to leave him in b's place then kept saying sorry to P for being an idiot and ignored me. After about 10 minutes of silence he said his sorry to me too, for being drunk and stupid. So we three sat there for a very long time with silence. Me and P kinda hope that M would just go to sleep so we would chat a bit more but he just wouldn't move. So I called it a night and when back to M's room to sleep.

I was sleeping like baby again just like the day before except this time I didn't feel as bad.

(to be continue)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Continuing...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

Day 3, 19th, Friday (part 2)

So I found myself kissing with P in the club. To be very honest, I really can't recall how that happened and who started it. However, I did know what we were doing might piss M off since they are roommates. I was going to suggest that we should go somewhere more conceal to carry on what we were doing. Unfortunately, when we got back to the M and B, I immediately noticed there was something wrong, so as P. M didn't say a word and with a very pissed look. At that moment I knew M saw us already and I finally realized he likes P. Then I turned my head and looked at P, He looked pissed too. I felt terrible and guilty, especially I didn't know how the kissing started and who showed the first affection first. I kissed him first or he did? Since I saw P looked pissed as well so I just assumed that I was the one who started it, because his look showed me it might not be what he wanted. In order to escape the awkwardness, we got out of the club and started heading home. On the way, M was acting super weird. Sometimes he told me it was totally fine but sometimes he told me he is really sad. He told me "You've done something I wanted to do for a very long time." He also kept on asking me why I would kiss him with this "pretending everything it's cool tone", however, It didn't work, I totally found anger from his voice and I knew he did that just to want me to feel bad, and in that regard, he succeeded. I said my sorry and in fact, I was sorry too, I knew he wanted to be the one who was kissing P, but I just can't change the the past, I just hope he would stop stabbing me with his questions.

When we got back to their place, no one said a word. While M was taking a shower I went to have a short talk with P. I told P to put all the blames on me. I told him that I am just coming for few days and he still needs to stay with M for a long period of time. Therefore the best way to get over this is just put all the blames on me. In that moment I didn't really care about the friendship between me and M anymore I just want to get it over with. I just didn't want to see their "roommateship" get ruined by me, especially a good "roommateship" is something that I always wanted but never had, just like how I thought in Day 2. P told me its okay then I went back to M's room to sleep. P later told me that after M took his shower he went to talk to P for awhile as well. P also told me that that night M asked him if he kissed me because I am cuter then M. M asked P which of us (M and me) is cuter as well. When I heard that , I was like "OMG...M is really jealous". I think the question itself is very dumb, why would you want to ask a person, who is not interested in you already, if he thinks you are cute. What are you expecting him to answer? look, if he think you are cuter then you will be the one who is kissing him in the club, not me. Moreover, me and M, regarding the out look, I don't even think we have competition at all.

As soon as I jumped on the bad that night, I slept like baby, but a baby who is having a serious nightmare.

(to be continue)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 4

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

I am back!!!!! Finally!!!

It's been more then two weeks, due to my exhausting, life consuming visit to Montreal, I wasn't able to write anything until today.

Unfortunately I have tell you guys that I will not continue writing my last post (unless anyone beg for it, which I doubt it would happen anyway) because I have an even bigger, more dramatic story to tell, and of cuz, it happened in Montreal. And because of that incident, those dates that I've mentioned in the previous post become pointless now.

Since this is going to be a very long story, I'm going to divide it into few parts. I promise you guys I will finish the whole story this time.

Introduction

Although I had to drop my plan to go to UK, I still want to go somewhere to escape from my dull life, therefore I thought about Montreal, where is alot cheaper for me to go. I told my plan to M, which is a nice friend I met about a month ago, and M immediately told me he is happy to offer me accommodation since he is currently living in Montreal. It was really nice of him because that would make my trip even cheaper if I have a place to stay for free, However, I do have my concern. My concern is if he would cross the line when I am there because he had been sending confusing singles to me after I met him for the first time. Sometimes I just think what he said to me is a bit too intimate, like, he asked me to kiss him when I got there if I want to thank him (he wasn't just sayin' it, he did ask for it when i was there). Moreover, he also told me that I got the perfect look of his guy of his dream but it just too bad that I am a bottom too. That's why I asked him several times to confirm if he really is a bottom because I don't want to have anything weird happen between us. However, what had happened later on between us was way more weird then I anticipated.

Day one, 17th, Wednesday

After hours of exhausting bus ride, I saw M waiting for me in the bus terminal. Then we headed to his place. When I got to his place, I saw two people there, P and B, watching telly together, six feet under to be specific. After I changed my cloths and had something to eat with M, I went to say hi with them. P is M's current roommate, a 23 years old French Canadian, and B is P's good friend. M told me he had only met B once so he doesn't know about him very well as well.

Before I went to Montreal, M showed me pictures of P on facebook and asked me if I think he is cute. Honestly, when I looked at it I wasn't impressed at all because he looks like a small immature bitchy gay guy in the photos, that mainly because of I was told that he is younger so I didn't look at those photos seriously because I am easily turned off by younger guys. However, seeing him in real person, he actually looks a lot nicer then I thought before. However, that was it, I wasn't really attracted, for two main reasons. First, he is my friend's roommate, it would be weird If I got closer to him then M. Second, when I went to say hi to them, P was watching those Korean music videos that he download from the net on the telly. Then I realized he is a huge Korean rice queen, which is a serious turn off for me. Then M told me that P only like Korean/Japanese looking guy later on that night, which my look has nothing close to that (I have been asked if I am mixed Asian hundred times in my whole life). Anyway, we drank and played cards together and it was really fun. We played until 2 in the morning and then decided to carry on the drinking and card playing next night in B's place. Before me and M went sleep, M told me lots about him and P, mostly about how a good roommate. I couldn't agree more on that and then we went to sleep.

Day 2, 18th, Thursday

I slept till noon that day, after washing their dirty dishes for an hour and had the "lunch", it was already like 4pm. Then me and M went to work out for awhile in downtime Montreal. During the train ride to downtown, M told me even more about P, but it's still about how nice and gentle he is and how he is being such a incredible roommate to him. One thing that worth to notice is he kept mentioning that he is very shy almost every time he told me things about him. I only realized the reason why he did it later on after a huge drama. We got to B's place at around 10. I forgot what we were talking about when we walked into B's place and the conversation eventually led to a hug between P and M. While they were hugging, P looked at me and joke about if I were jealous. I sad no, of course, but the fact is, I was, not because I like either P or M, but the close friendship between roommates, because I've never had a very close friendship with my roommates I have had and most of my roommates are shitheads.

Day 3, 19th, Friday

I was very excited because it was the clubbing day, which is the main purpose to go to Montreal in the first place. I went to swim for while in the afternoon then we (including me, P, M, B) went to a birthday party of a friend of P and B. After hours of exhausting English conversation with their French speaking friends, we finally headed to the club. It was fun, clubbing in montreal just never let me down. We drank and dance, dance and drank, god knows how much we had drunk. I was black out for awhile, when I gradually got back my consciousness, I found myself kissing P....

(to be continued)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Is that Love or Stupidity?

I am so glad that I keep this blog away from my friends, otherwise I will not be able to write this post.

K and I went for a dinner last night. We dined at this Jazz bar/restaurant that I found online. The place looked a little sketchy, which made me a bit nerves before I walk in (that's the thing about trying new restaurant you found with your friend), but the food and music turned out to be rather lovely, especially the music, it was like jazz mixed with Spanish guitar, I had nothing to complain except the crappy stage.

However, with such beautiful music, I still couldn't loosen up my mind to enjoy the night, mostly because of K's stressful talk about his recent life. I knew he desperately wanted to share his stressful stories with me from the day that he asked me to have this dinner with him, but i just didn't anticipate the talk would be that stressful. First, He told me a whole bunch of incidents about how he got verbal abuses from his homophobic co-workers, which is sucks enough, then he told me about his psycho roommate who would steal his food and throw away this cooking utensils. The thing that really got me while I was listening to his stories was the fact that he had never done anything about it, he just let shit happen to him. Every time I asked him why he didn't fight for himself he has his perfect explanation of why he shouldn't. Okay, I understand when he said he doesn't want to make his boss his enemy, but what about his crazy roommate? To be honest, I think this is simply because of his cowardliness. I particularly hate when people just bitch about situations that they had never even try to solve it or fight for it in any way. After all, I think there is no one he could blame but himself in such case.

Then he started talked about his boyfriend, which is the whole point of having this dinner. The story is not that impressive or complex after all. His boyfriend cheated on him, like many others, with tons of guys that he met online. K went to his boyfriend's place to stay over few days ago and discovered all the erotic conversations that his boyfriend stored in his computer by accident (really?). I just couldn't understand why guys would do that, bring the trophy of cheating home right in front of their partners face as if they are blind or something, where's their brain? Oops I almost forgot guys don't actually think with with brain. Obviously, his boyfriend couldn't denied that fact that he had met guys online and had those conversations with those internet boys since there are evidences, but, unsurprisingly, he denied having sex with anyone of them, despite he had actually scheduled the date with his online mates and mentioned about having lube and condom in those conversations. K told me he believes his boyfriend might actually telling the truth. However, I think that is what K wants to believe, but actually believing. Then he told me about how he also cheated on his boyfriend once as well, what a surprise, therefore he wants to forgive his boyfriend on this one, which he already did. However, I think K is making a huge logical mistake here. The fact K had also cheated doesn't means that he should tolerant his boyfriend's cheating. They both did something wrong, individually, and they shouldn't be in the same equation and able to balance out, they should be deal with separately. But apparently K's brain doesn't function like that. One thing about this incident is now K starts to worry about his health because he and his boyfriend never used condom during their love making. He told me he wants to have body check since only god knows how many guys that K's boyfriend had fucked with unsafely when they are together and before they are together. I asked K if he would continue to let his boyfriend fuck him without a condom in the future. I proposed two questions to him. First one, "If you starts asking him to put on a condom every time he fucks you, then are you ready for the challenge of being accused of not trusting his boyfriend anymore?". Second question, "If you continues to let him fuck you bareback, you are actually putting yourself in a very dangerous position of getting STD and HIV, why do you want to do that?" he told me he does't know how to answer either questions and he only knows he really love his boyfriend.

Letting your boyfriend fuck you raw might be because of ignorant, but letting your boyfriend fuck you raw after knowing he is one of those high risk people then you are nothing but a stupid dumb-fuck. Don't use Love to camouflage your stupidity, love is so much greater then that.

Guys, especially the gay ones, don't trust anyone, use a condom.

Dating an eighteen-year-old (2)

I have a feeling that a lot of people is waiting for the rest of this story.

so, here you go!!

please read dating an eighteen-year-old (1) before you read this post

One condition I made before accepting this invitation is that he had to pay for the supper, I am an ass hole i know, but I do have reason tho. The reason I wanted him to pay is because if he wants to be my top/boyfriend in his age, he really has to do a bit more then other older-then-me guy to prove me he can handle a guy that much older then him. It's totally unfair, but its just something he needs to do if he really want this date. I wasn't being that brutal anyway, I told him he has to pick the restaurant as well so he could choose somewhere inexpensive to go.

Eventually he chose this Japaneses restaurant that he has never been and near where I live. That Japanese restaurant was very neat with a very minimal interior decorations which is a good sign of a authentic japanese cuisine. The menu is actually not that impressive and it doesn't have a broad range of variety of food, I wasn't that disappointed because sometimes that is a good sign of a quality Japanese restaurant as well. Since that restaurant seems to be quite famous for their sushi and they only one chose of sushi dish on the menu (I am not talking about rolls), so I ordered that. Appearenly that is the most expensive dish on the menu, which is like $20. He panicked!! I am sure He was nervous when he saw the price. But honestly, I think that's more then reasonable if they offer good sushi.

"hmmm......chicken teriyaki....hmmm...I wonder if its with the miso soup....." he murmured, when he was deciding what to order.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? who would order chicken teriyaki in a decent japanese restaurant for supper, may be lunch, but definitely not supper. I was sure he worried the cost.

"Order the same thing as me, you came here for the sushi right?" I said, "It's okay, I could pay my own meal, it's important for you to order what you want."

Then he decided to order the sushi plate as well and dismissed my suggestion of paying my own bill.
The sushi turned out to be great, the cut of the fish is very good, most of them are belly cuts except the tuna, but its just hard to have nice fatty tuna outside japan. However, the portion is very small, it might be big enough for a tiny lady but definitely not enough for a grown up men like us. After he paid the bills I suggested to go to an other Japanese restaurant to continue eating and that will be on me.

Did he said anything stupid on the date?

yes he did

Me: So you just believe whatever on the net don't you
Sam: no I don't
Me: Have you heard of the internet myth about growing kittens in a vase and selling it in japan?
Sam: yes, but that is different, that's a fact
Me: OMG, that is a well known internet hoax, how could you believe that is true?? and you DO believe ANYTHING on the net.
Sam: It's a fact! what are you talking about? It's documentary fact and theres photo to prove it, and the web site who record it call the bonsai kitten. (he tried to sound academic here as you can tell)

we kept arguing on that for a while.....

Me: Okay, then find me the web site on your iphone
Sam: Okay

(few seconds later)

Sam: I can't, Its been pulled off (of course, cuz that's a fake site you dump ass)
Me: okay, if that is a fact then find me a reliable news website about this incident.

(few seconds later)

Sam: Oh............oh..........(his voice turning small).....the bonsai kitten thing is a hoax.......you are right

This is how dump he is.

extend reading:
the bonsai kitten hoax

Dating an 18-year-old. (1)

Oh man, I don't even know where to start.

About a year ago, there was this random white dude added me on facebook. I don't usually add people I don't know in person on facebook but I made a exception on that one. We were nothing more then just random facebook buddies who would leave comments to each others photos occasionally. We weren't even friends so we've never actually chatted and I didn't even know if he is gay or not. Until a week ago he added me on msn, he told me he just moved to the city where I am currently living in and he wanted to date me because he think I am extremely cute. It was very straight forward indeed. I would love to date him if he is not that much younger, well, I've always known he is younger but just didn't know he is that young, 18, are you serious? and the thing is, I am almost sure he is a bottom from his look (like a cutesy emo boy look and always in his tight women jeans just like I do), why would I date a 18-year-old bottom? However, within this three day's chatting, he kept trying to prove me how much of a Top he is, a dominant one, he constantly reinforced. He would say the most nasty things to me to prove to me how "mature" he is, sexually. Honestly, I was a bit turned on by those nasty words but I would never let him know I was turned on by them. In fact, well, if he was telling me the truth, he actually had so much more sex experience then I ever had. He told me his first time was 14. It was just crazy. My first time was fucking 20. I just can't believe how horny this generation's teenagers are. Anyway, he kept asking me for a date and I kept rejecting with the same reason, which is "you are too young", every time when he hears it he told me who shallow I am and how I shouldn't limit myself by the age.

Am I really shallow? Is age really just a game of numbers and only mentality should count? or the idea of men should always be bigger, stronger, older, smarter is inborn in our mind that we just can't resist?

I even told W about this. It was kinda weird, because that was the first time I've ever brought up a topic about dating an other guy. He told me the same thing about I should be open to that and he actually told me I should try to date him but just don't tell him all the details. Then I started thinking maybe I should give it a try to prove I can be "open" too, but I still wasn't sure because some times he does sound like a kid, a kid who wants to talk like a adult. Until 3 days ago, he told me he wanted to guess what kind of person I would want to be with in an relationship.

This is what he said:
Sam=18-year-old boy P=25-year-old Princesm

Sam: You like to be treated gentlemanly, you like to be paid for, but you like to retain some independance.. You like to be talked to sweetly as opposed to harshly. You like to be held
P: okay, tell me more
Sam: Lol.. You like to be cared for but you also are subservient. You like to cook for a man and you like to be appreciated for your talents.
P: I also like to stand tiptoe and kiss a man who is teller then me
P: okay, i will give you a chance
Sam: that's so cute.. That's one of my fave things about shorter guys!

So, we went on a date the following day

to be continued...

W, still

I felt very bad after sending him the email, knowing that he probably would not call anymore.

When I think about all the bad things that he did to me when he was here and all the sufferings that I have been thought plus the fact that he could just talk to me again without mentioning a thing about what happened, not even an proper apology, I really do believe sending him that “never-call-again” email was a right thing to do. However, pathetically, I do really miss him. Therefore sometimes I would tell myself that the fact that he is calling and being all gentle might be the best case scenario already because my dignity will never allow me to call him after what happened, thus I shouldn’t have ruined it, because it might be the only chance for us to get back together.

I am real pathetic, I know.

I kinda regard that I didn’t tell him the “lying” incident was not the whole reason why I don’t want to talk to him anymore because I wanted him to know he has done other bad things to me too, which I was too chicken to complain since I wanted to protect the “relationship” that I thought we had at the time, and to let him suffers from it as well since he seems like he still give a shit.

Anyway, I've spent hours and hours everyday thinking if what I've done was a right thing to do and it was real painful.

Few hours ago, I got this email from him

I'm sorry... 

I really miss you as a friend, and hope you wont be angry at me forever.. I'm sorry I hurt you - I was wrong.

Dont want to bug you if you dont want to talk to me, so if you feel like you could forgive me, maybe you could get in touch some time..



W

Miss me as a friend? What? Friend? What on earth would make you think that we were friends before? Have I ever said I want to be friend with you? Anyway, it wouldn't be any different if he said he misses because of other reasons and at least I got a relatively more thoughtful apologize now then the shitty one that he wrote me before. I don't know what to write back to him yet, in fact, i don't even know what i am supposed to feel right now...

So, I have decided...

W called again yesterday and I knew he would call.

I actually planned to tell him not to call anymore when he calls again because I started thinking about him more and more after he called last week

but i didn't tell him when he called yesterday, instead, we had a pleasant conversation for more then an hour

However, the conversation still ended badly.

W: How was your weekend?
me: Not much, you?
W: not much either, my friends were busy, so I was staying at home all the time
me: same here, especially I don't have much friends left in here now and i found it hard to know new friends
W: I found it hard too

Right at that moment, It reminded me how he laid about meeting his "friend" who he met from internet through a dating website. I just can't help to get angry

me: How come? I think you are good at that.
W: No i am not
me: well, you have your way to do it
W: what?
me: I said you have your way to do it

Then he realized what I was referring to then we both went silence. Then I realized I had said something I shouldn't have said because i don't want him to know I still give a shit. Afterward, I told him I had things to do so i had to go. At the moment, i know I have to end it, I can't talk to him like I am some sort of time bomb that I don't know when I will explode.

I sent him this email few hours after the phone call.

W,

I had a really good time talking to you today and last week, but I just can't keep talking to you and pretend nothing have happened. What happened still hurts, therefore I think we should stop talking. I am sure you will understand and I hope we can be friends someday.

regards
P

It hurts so bad to tell such things to a person who you love...

Yup, W called again

Last Sunday, I got a phone call while I was preparing the "peanuts chicken feet" soup for the night. I totally thought It was my friend R because I was going to meet her the next day. However, when I answered the phone I had this unfamiliar voice saying hello to me but without calling my name. I immediately thought that is a miss-dial or one of those stupid cold-calls.

him: Hello
me: yes?
him: hey, it's me
me: you are?
him: guess who i am (honestly I really HATE when people do this)
me: arrrr, T? (I didn't think he is T, but if he insist that I have to guess, then that would be my only answer)
him: no
me: hmmmm, i really have no idea, can you just tell me who you are?
him: It's W.

I was in shocked and froze for few seconds because I really didn't expect he would call me, at least not by phone.

that was the first conversation we had since we had a fight in july

Then I bursted into laughter and tried to use the laughter to cover my embarrassment. In the past two years, we talked at least once a week and now I don't even recognize his voice. I was embarrassed but I also felt quite good by the fact that I was forgetting him and now he knows it too.

I didn't expect he would call because the last time he told me he would, he didn't, which is a good thing actually, I know if we keep talking I will never be able to forget him, I would rather things end like that. Sometimes I do wonder why he is not calling, which I was doing again in that morning. I told him that, I told him it's interesting that I was just thinking about him in the morning and now he is calling. Right after that he went, "oh, why were you thinking about me?" I guess he wanted me to say i miss him but obviously i didn't. Then he told me he misses me a lot but I didn't say anything afterward. Then we chatted like how we usually do. I told him I went to Vancouver and he told me he went to LA in the same period of time. I found that rather ironic that we were actually that close geographically. In our conversation, he was constantly telling me he "have so much things that he wants to tell me", I guess that is the other way of him saying he misses me. Anyway, I ended our conversation by telling him I have to continue cooking, which is partly true, but the fact is I can not bear the fact that he is always the one who ends the conversation in the past anymore, therefore, i have to be the one who ends the conversation this time and will not give him a chance to believe he is getting the same old person who can take advantage of back.

W, what the hell are you doing?

Email from W

I got W's email three days ago.

this is what he wrote

OK.. I've been away from town for a few days but hopefully talk to you soon.

I guess he is trying to tell me he was away so he couldn't go online to call me for the past few days.

I know he goes back to his parents place on the weekend fairly often but COME ON!!!!! I sent the email which i told him he could call me on skype last Wednesday, was he out last thursday and and friday too?? grrrr, this guy disgust me!

More W

Few days ago, I sent an email to W telling him if he really want to talk he could call if he sees me online. (since I've deleted him on skype, as well as msn)

I dont have one concrete reason to explaiun why i did that becasue i am sure it has more then one reason why i did that.

All of my friends asked me why am i doing it to myself. They're all telling me the reason i am making myself available is because i want to lie to myself me and him still have hope.

That is very normal to think but i really don't think thats true, at least not the major part of it.

yes I love him and i really hope he could do things to make me forgive him. but i know it is not happening and i know exactly there're no hope between us.

In the past three weeks, I thought about him every single day but every time i thought about him and the things he that did to me(not only that meeting-online-gay-guy incident) i would get very pissed and angry. What he's been doing is manipulating my love for him. I just can't forgive him by doing that to me. I know I am responsible too, i should have gone away from him long time ago but i didn't. Anyway, i just know we can't be together anymore, not even friends.

then why am i doing that.

I really don't know...

tell me, was I wrong?

W called.

Few days ago, W left me message in skype telling me he miss and and miss talking me in early morning.

but i didn't reply

The next day, He messaged me again in the morning. I usually wouldn't wake up that early but because i had a appointment with the hair dresser that day therefore i was there when he me messaged me. He said hey and few seconds later he tried to call me from skype. I was so nervous i didn't know what to do at all. It wasn't as easy as just ignoring his text message. I don't know how to explain why but its just hard. I felt like i have to make a decision in such a short time. It didn't occrue to me ignoring his phone cell is an opinion, all i can thought about was whether "answer" or "refuse". Trust me, I want to talk to him more then anything in the world, but i refused his call. Again, i really didn't know what to think, but that time I know if i answer the phone call I will fall into his trap again.

then he sent the following message to me:

"P, I would not bug you and annoy you again so i won't call you again, I just want to tell you I really miss you and want to talk to you"

I was so nervous my sweat is all over my body. I was sad too, sad that he told he would not call again.

I tried so hard to type something but i couldn't. After 10 minutes of struggling, i finally went:

"anything important?"

"no, i just want to talk to you"

"K, bye"

this is how our conversation ended

Recent me

I know I know, i haven't been updating my blog for a week.

it just.....I haven't been in a good mood since i stopped talking with W. I basically couldn't do anything. I was just working out and watching drama in the past two weeks. I am never a work out person (please dont imagine me having a masculine body, gross) but during the first week of ignoring him. I know and i told myself i need something to focus on beside thinking about him so i joined a gym near by where I live. The original intention of joining it is just for their swimming pool cuz Swimming can clear my mind because when i swim, I could only think about swim but nothing else. It feels so great to be in the water and being care free, both mind and body. I almost go to gym everyday now and now I've already lost 4 lbs and my muscles are all toned up. I guess I shouldn't be too sad cuz at last i dont feel trashy about my body anymore.

oh, by the way, after a long drag, T and S finally broke up (i am sure its not because of me :P). However, the one who really suffer from this doesn't seem to be either T or S but me cuz they both keep blaming each other to me after the break up. honestly i really dont want to know, but since i am their friend i guess i have no choose but to suck it up. the only thing i could do save myself some brain cells is to shut up and listen to them otherwise if i dare to give any comments and agreemants of what they said it means i am willing to be the judge between them that means I will even suffer more.

anyway, T and S, good luck with your break up and I dont want to know more about how much you guys hate each other

The delayed apologize.

I got W's email yesterday.

It was a apologizing email. Honestly i am really surprised i would even got his email again after I've called him a jerk (dont get me wrong, i did mean it), let alone he would apologize of what he did.

anyway, this is the email

"Hey P.

i really hate you being angry at me.. i'm sorry about it - i've thought about what you said and i was wrong.. I hope you'll forgive me and we can talk soon..

W"

I didn't reply. i guess its because i am still angry with him. that few sentences are definitely not enough to make me forgive what he did. Moreover, In that email he just seemed he just dont want me to be angry with him but to acknowledge he really did somthing wrong. you know most of the people would not want to be accused to be a jerk. More importantly, that incident was just a wake up call, I should have leave him much earlier anyway. I am glad that this email is not that well written, otherwise I really dont know if i can still keep my strength to stay away from him.

W, goodbye

I talked to him this morning, totally disappointing, he was being total a jerk

he told me he was not sorry and kept telling me that I was over reacting.

W, Please don't tell me what i suppose to think/feel when you do something wrong.

I really had enough of his bullshit and I had to call him a jerk and asked him to shut up. Then I hanged up.

I always hope he could be the perfect man to make me believe such decent human being does exist.

This hurt, and I know this is a wake up call.

goodbye W, you might not be the perfect guy, but the perfect image you've left me would will never die and I will keep it safely in mind.

I will be strong. I believe the one is waiting for me.

W, its time to say goodbye........

its 2 a.m. in the morning right now, quite sleepy, but i know if i dont keep this blog as update as i can i might just leave it especially when it comes to bad memories. Writing them is like ripping off the wound.

okay, lets start

The whole thing started a week ago when we were chatting on skype. It was just a casual chat and we were just talking about whatever. Then he told me he went to this decent restaurant to have beer with his friend the other night and kept telling me how good it was. honestly, I didn't suspect a thing when he told me that and then i just casually asked who that was, then he just said a friend of his (i should have sensed soemthing wrong by then cuz he usually just say the name of the friend, but whatever, i still didn't suspect a thing). Then i dont know if he felt guilty or what, he told me that was a gay friend. Well, since he said that, if coz i would want to know more now, i asked him where did he meet him, then he told me he met him through a friend, then i go "oh, is that friends called 'internet'"? then he said yes. You know, i really dont know what i should said at that point, all i can think of is to be calm, I tried to think about us and i thought me and him are not boyfriends anymore so he techically could do anything he wanted, so i was trying to act fine and finish the conversation. In fact, that was a quite decently conversation beside that. However, the more i thought about that the more i felt that is wrong. especially when he went back to UK last month he promised me not to meet anyone online before i go there to visit him later this summer. I made that clear, not from Internet because last year he meet a guy from Internet and that guy turned out became his boyfriend for few months. Thats why i was being specific. However, he broke his promise. then we chatted online few days later, i asked him why would he do that? and all he said was "come on, he is just a friend". dude, it wasn't conviencing at all. meeting a friend from a dating site?? what kind of friend you want to meet? and asian? the type that you are attracted to? and why do you have to lie about how you guys meet? if meeting him is such a normal thing why didn't you tell me you have met a friend when you first met him? everything everything, W, you are so disappointing and the fact that you normalize the whole thing made me sick. the worst thing is he totally dont want to answer those questions and just made some excuse to dismiss me on msn. He told me his roommate and his roommate's boyfriend has arrived so he need to go. he did mention they would go to his room and drink in his place earlier, but come on, you dismiss me just like that?? Every time when someone call him while i am having a conversation with him on the phone or msn he would just dismiss me. it wasn't pleasant but i am fine with that since we weren't talking something really important. but now, how could you just dismiss me like that??? can you just tell your roommate to wait?? where do they live?? under your room!!!!!! fucker.

anyway, he emailed me the next day and pretend nothing happened.

i didn't answer the email

next day, he emailed again and ignore the whole incident and asked me if i could take a look of his website and give some comments to his site and he told me he would on line between 7-8 his time.

W, how could you just ignore that and when you dont want to talk to me you could just dismiss me like that. now you expect me to wait for you?? huh??

I didn't wait, i went to gym, i know he might call so i put my cell in the locker as well.

when i finsh working out i found that he did called. i didn't reply it either

the next day (yesterday), he emailed ma again asking me if i okay cuz i never reply this email and take his call. but wait, why do you suddenly care now? sometime you could just not emailing and calling me for a whole week. anyway, he called, honestly i still want to ask him why he can think what he did is okay, but my brain just went blank. I told him i was really upset and i dont understand, i need time, then i hanged up...

seriously

i dot know what i suppoes to say, suppose to do, suppose to think, sometime i even wonder if what he did is actually normal. i dont know....my hand just can't function properly....

Some drama (2)

so, S told me he had known me for a long time. He told me he had visited my friendster page(can you imagine how long ago it was? friendster?) long time ago and thought my photos is very "interesting" (really? just interesting? LOL). he even told me he had messaged me but i never reply. After he told me he had messaged me, i did vaguely remember seeing his face at my friendstar message inbox (but come on, you? reply you? if he had a better photo on friendster i might have replied him). However, to be honest, seeing him in real person does make me think he actually could be a nice boyfriend. Anyway, isn't it very creepy there is always some people to claim to know you just because they had cyber stalked you?? yes, this is not the first time "some people" told other people they know me but i have no freaking idea who they are. Anyway, we carried on talking about that after dinner when we chatting in S's house because i called him a stalker. One thing I felt quite weird about him is he is trying to be too close/friendly to me which made me wonder if he likes me. In his place, he kept showing E (T was sleeping in the couch) my photos on friendstar to explain how "interesting" i was ( i really dont know why he would do that). Then he added me on facebook and asked me to log in to add him (was it necessary???). However, i didn't add him at that time tho, not in front of other people. anyway, suddenly a shocking news (just for me) came out from E's month, which is T and S are boyfriends.

WHAT?? I COULDN'T SENSE THAT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
They didn't kiss, didn't have any sweet talk, didn't hold hands, didn't even sit together when we ate!!!

anyway, i felt so stupid to called S a stalker. I really didn't know what T would think. honestly i really want to keep T as my friend and i don't want to him to misunderstand me therefore I know I need to keep distance from S.

When S drove me home that night I told him I really didn't know he and T are boyfriends if E didn't mention it. Then he said he thought i knew. I told him It was not even possiable for anyone to tell they are boyfriends unless those people are being told. Then he suddenly looked quite upset and go, "Do you think we are a good match?"

WAH! (chinese shocking expression) why would you ask me that??? What can i answer you ???? Would anyone know better then yourself ???? it was such a ridiculous question to ask.

Since that was such a dangerious question to answer I didn't think about if they really match or not at all. All i can think about is a nice way to say yes (do you really think no could be an opinion? huh? seriously?) to comfort him.

Drama Drama, can you keep away from me? what i want is just friends........

What am I expecting

I really don't know whats wrong with me.

I have been feeling very depressed for days and today is the worst.

W called me today, after haven't communicated for a week. I wanted to pretend i am actually not that happy but I can't. However, something happened in our conversion and it made my whole day stayed miserable. Recently he found this interesting book named "riddley walker" by Russell Hoban and he was sharing me the story line. Since the story line is really interesting and I found a lot of similarity between some mangas that I have read therefore I started talking when he was still explaining the story too. I guess he was annoyed by my interruption and he finally said, "Why are you over talking me?" it was quite sudden and i didn't know how to respond. then i go "i am sorry I was just excited" I really dont understand why would he say that. I know thats annoying to get interrupted but there are million better ways to tell me to shut up, he could just say "hey, can i finish my sentence?" but "Why are you over talking me?"??? Excuse me? do you think i did that because i think it is fun to do?? anyway i was pissed but i didn't tell him, but i guess he kinna know that he told he get angry easily due to the weather. WHAT A SHITTY REASON. Anyway, after we finished the conversion i when to do some shipping alone and i really can't help thinking what happened in the morning. The more I thought about that the more i got pissed. Eventually I wanted to email him how pissed i was. Actually it is very usual for me to do that. When i got annoyed, i would kinna let it go at that time and pretend nothing happened(cuz i dont know how to react). but then i would spend hours to think about it and the more i think about it the more negative I would get. I am sure i get this from my mum because my mum is exactly like this. anyway, i was so pissed i was about to send this "clarification" emails to him. However, since this is not the first time he does it and everytime i did at i feel bad after. Therefore i decided to call one of my best friend A.

A is a very rational girl who gives the best comment in the world. Instead of giving emotional support, like "Waht a jerk!" "I feel so sorry for you" blah blah blah, she tends to analyze the situation and tell me what she think as a thrid person, her comments have always been very neutral. anyway, this is our conversion on skype:

A: 19:06:40

hmm, maybe it's the attitude he had and the way he framed it, cos actually i would apologize to the other person if i interrupted unintentionally

P: 19:07:03

i did apologize

A: 19:07:06

i guess he could've said it in a better way

P: 19:07:28

but i also feel bad when he said that

A: 19:07:51

i realize that he really knows how to push your buttons...i don't think he does it intentionally, but a lot of the things he says can really upset you

but some ppl are like that

P: 19:08:30

should i tell him i am upset?

A: 19:08:32

they tend to draw the more negative sides of us out

P: 19:08:52

you know , sometimes i even thing he think he can be rude to me because i like him

A: 19:09:04

well...i dunno...i'm not him, so i dunno if he'll get annoyed by all these "clarification" emails

P: 19:09:35

sigh................i know

but i still think what he said is rude

i have decided i will tell him next time i tlak to him

A: 19:13:00

actually, if i were you, i'll just let it go...

let me explain

it seems like you won't think he's suitable for you as a BF anyway, so he's more like a fren

and yet as friends, you guys dont' seem to be getting along that well either

cos rarely do frens always run into situations where there's misunderstanding, miscommunication etc. that requires a lot of clarification

i mean, once in a while there may be conflicts, but you guys have those tensions a lot

so depending on what you expect from him and your friendship with him, if you don't hold high hopes, then i would just let it go

P: 19:16:01

maybe i dont now what to expect from him

A: 19:17:56

i think you'll have to evaluate if this friendship is doing you more harm than good...is it making you happier or is it bringing you more problems and misery? and if you realize that you're always upset by him, then maybe you wanna readjust your distance with him...

i know it's hard cos you still have a bit of feelings for him; there's so much history and you guys do share some common grounds

but usually it's not all-or-none, you're probably never gonna hate him, and yet you gotta draw clearer boundaries

I totally agree on what A said, therefore, I ended up didn't send that Email I have drafted thousand times in my head. I am so glad I talk to A before I took the action. I really how bad i would feel this time if i did send....

anyway, its time to sleep...