Met a very nice new firend.......through an annoying friend.

winter is not that bad after all

Its not that much snow this year...

I met this new friend M through my friend FK last Saturday. M is a 23 years old gay Hong Koner who just finished his degree in Hong Kong and now working in this crappy country. Although we live in different cities, after hanging out with Marc twice, I can kinda tell that we would become very good friends in the future, well, at least I would try my best to keep him as a friend, because I figured he is one of the few Chinese gay guys who actually have some comment sense, social decency and able to communicate in a more mature manner.

On the other hand, FK, a 25 year-old Chinese realtor, is the annoying friend. The reason I've never mentioned him here before here in this blog is because he is extremely annoying, it would just get on my nerves if I ever mention anything that he did to me. But whatever, I am going to talk about him right here right now and it would be the only time I will talk about him here. First thing first, he likes me, really likes me, which I didn't notice when I first met him through my friend T, who I have talked about in my earlier blog entries and had brought me into stupid drama before. FK is not handsome at not all but he has this geek look that I quite like when I met him. He is rather quiet when I first met him and that's why it took us half of a year to move on to actually chatting on internet. Once we started chatting I kinda figured out that he likes me. So we moved on to chatting on phone and start "dating". However, after our second date, I decided to stop. Why? keep reading

The first date was okay. However, at the second date, he told me he wanted to watch the movie I have already watched, which is a single man, and asked me if I mind to watch it again with him. It was a very nice movie indeed, so I didn't mind watching it again. Then he told me he had this coupons so I would not need to pay. I thought it was great and fair for me to go to see a movie that I have seen with him. However, When we were going to to have supper before watching the movie, he suggested that I might want to pay for the supper because he paid for the movie. But the thing is, in fact, he didn't really pay for the movie, okay? that was a coupon, and even if he did pay by actually money I still think it was fair for him to pay because I was, in fact, watching a movie that I have watched with him, it was kinda an offer. I can't believe he was "thick skin" enough to ask me to pay for the supper. I didn't seem to have an opinion to refuse it, so I paid. And that supper turned out cost more then that two movie tickets. I wasn't trying to be calculating and I wouldn't have problem with paying half and half for everything including the ticket. but what he did is just not the way it should work.

There's more. On my 25 year-old bday party, He came to my party an hour early. I really didn't know what's in his mind but I have to say I staying with him along was just so creepy since I had no interest in him anymore and started to notice he is a cyberstalker. He looked at my youtube account and murmured, "oh, so your youtube account is xxxxx...." the thing is, he didn't say it in a naughty tone and try to sounds like he was joking, he said it as he has discovered some secret info about me and really will cyberstalk me....THAT'S CREPPY!! OKAY??? god... That's why I will never show him my blog. Oh, I forget to say, he brought all the food that he bought to the party back home without saying a word. Why he did is just weird. That's actually alot more, but I decided I might want to stop here so it won't gross myself out.

Aunt visiting / Friend haunting in Craigslist

I have been extremely busy last week. One of the major reasons is my aunt was visiting me all the way form Hong Kong for 9 days and that means i had to take care of her in that 9 days. Please don't got me wrong, i am more then happy to take care of her since we are actually quite close, the thing is she came in the wrong time, when i have a presentation and essay due that week and an other typographic project (so now you could tell how busy i was). I was actually a little bit nervous becasue i have never had my relative stay in my place for that long and i really don't know if i would handle it especially she we have stay in the same room all the time. Fortunately, it turned out to be very pleasant a visit and she was being super understand. I originally thought 9 days was a bit long but now i really do miss her and wish she could have stayed a tiny bit longer. :(

anyway, Can you guys remember how many times I have complained that I have no friends???? seriously, i really can't remember, i just know i had complained lots.

well, after all the complaining, I've finally done something! (yay!)

I posted an ad on Craigslist saying i want to have friends (how simple!)

surprisingly i did get quite a lot of feedback and of cuz, that includes perverts replies too even i stated clearly in my ad that "if you think you might be one of those perverts then please don't reply" but you know, that kind of that do happen. LOL. After scanning all the replies i found one of them might be worth to reply to. oh, by the way, i got this straight guy's reply, saying that he wants to make friends with me. But, Honestly, i really do not think a straight guy would want to be friend with a gay gay so willingly, it really makes me think he is whether a questioning or a serial gay killer, do you guys think that sounds abnormal too? should I or shouldn't I reply him? anyway! i replied that "worth to reply to guy". After years of putting efforts on making local fiends in a western country. I do believe race is a factor when people pick their friends. However, I think that is no one's fault and thats just the way it is, especially Asian do that all the time too. Therefore when i replied him by email i attached my photos with it so that I could save me some time if he is a white gay sucker who is only looking for white gay friends. However, I got his email this evening and the context is actually quite genuine and it does make me believe he want to make friends with me and he even told me my photos are nice (of coz, i am a cute guy!!!). I just replied him before this blog entry, guys, WISH ME LUCK PLEASE!!!!!!

by the way, I successfully claimed 550 bucks from the dental insurance, yay!!

Friends hunting

-I have decided each time when I upload a post i will post a random photo as well so my blog would not look as dull-

yes i know, that is such a brilliant idea

Bridget Jones is ironing her hair! How lovely!

The mid-term week has finally finished. sigh, finally...

how's my mid-term exam go? arrr.......lets not talk about it now

Lets talk about founding friends. I think its not the first time I mention I am actually quite lonely here in this city because most of my close friends have either gone back to Hong Kong or to other cities. I am not saying i have zero friends here but they most of them ain't really close. I guess I am the kind of people that lack of ability to make new friends. I don't want to make it sounds like an excuse, but I do believe being a International Homosexual Asian student here in a western country makes me even harder for me to know new friends, please do not tell me that is just something that created in my own head, I have experienced it myself. Nevertheless, I think the biggest challenge I have is i don't even know the where to found the "friend material" and i don't know how to increase my friend circle in this city. One of my close friend, Ri, recently got into this big University in UK for master program and she told me that the University has so many events and parties going on and people there are just very friendly and easy to make friend with, whereas my pathetic little art and design college only has snobbish designers and artists and no events like that. Honestly I envy her so much that sometimes I even wish I have chosen a bigger University so i would have more opportunity to know more friends, well, i guess its to late to say that now.

I am getting more and more desperate these few days and I finally went online and searched for some LGBT sport organizations in my area (I think it might be more comfortable for me to know more gay friends here) but it turned out they are freaking EXPENSIVE! It costs around 200USD in average to join whatever-sport-is leagues for a year (I searched for water polo league as well since the only sport I am good at is swimming, but it cost 400USD). I know the fees may actually include the rent of the gymnasium, but does it really have to cost that much? sigh....can anyone tell me when sport becomes such a luxurious activities to practice?

I recently talked to A (who is living in the other side of the earth) about this issue and she told me this same old story about how that kind of things would just happen in the most natural way and we don't really have to do much to get it (just like love). However, I've also been told that I hadn't been putting enough effort to make new friends. So, can anyone tell me how much effort i should put in order to keep this amazing balance between trying to hard and not trying hard enough?

sigh....

The Karaoke incident

"When you hang out a bunch of gay guys, you will get nothing but drama"

from the greatest poet - Princesm


Last week, I went to S's friend's birthday Karaoke party with S (of cuz). However, sicne T and S had broken up and i will be likely to stay in S's place for the night after karaoke therefore I asked if T mind if i go. well i know it is not necessary but I still did because i kinna know how it feels to have your good friend hanging out with your ex-boyfriend who you still love/hate. When i asked T he acted like he does care and tell me he is fine with that. I knew that might not be totally true but the thing is I really really wanted to sing karaoke and since he has said yes, so if he regreds, it will not be my fault.

the karaoke night was fine and It was fun too. However, when S was driving me to his place he suggested somehting fairly interesting which wow me a little bit.

S "Hey, i want to tell you something"
me "shoot"
S "I just washed the bed sheet of my bed, therefore i took the one from the guest room"
me "oh?"
S "Dont worry, my bed is enough for two people"
me "arrr" <WHAT THE FUCK? you are suggesting we should sleep together??>
S "Don't worry, i won't do anything, it just my bed is the only bed has a bed sheet"
me "arrrr.........i think i can sleep without a bedsheet" <OMG, that is the lamest excuse i have even heard to get someone sleep on their bed>

Then it was silence. However, he will asked me if i want to sleep on his bed and i used my last bit of energy and went, "thank you, i think i am fine."

S has been sending obvious singles since i've met him when he was still with T. Every time i could just play dumb and pretend I didn't know and ignore it. But this time, since this excuse is so lame it made me look so weird when i play dumb dumb.

S, i might have screwed you to if you are just someone.
Its too bad you are not

I called T the next day at the midnight. T seemed he was half-sleeping. After i said hi he went:

T "how was it?"
me "how was what?"
T "how was the love making last night?
me "what? love makeing? whit whom?"
T "your friend"
me "my friend, you mean S?"

well, obviously T is jealous which i am not surprised at all, although i knew he was half-joking but isn't it a bit uncool to say something like that to your friend? moreover, i have asked him if he mind and he said no. He has absolutely no right to say such things to me and i am offended indeed.

me "T, I am your friend, what you have said is an insult"
then T was playing dumb, he went "oh what did i say"
me "you were accusing me slept with S"
T "i didn't say that"
me "i don't feel like talking now, bye"

yes, I hanged him up, otherwise I will be wasting my time if i carry on the conversation him.

Sigh......drama.......drama.......drama

Some drama (2)

so, S told me he had known me for a long time. He told me he had visited my friendster page(can you imagine how long ago it was? friendster?) long time ago and thought my photos is very "interesting" (really? just interesting? LOL). he even told me he had messaged me but i never reply. After he told me he had messaged me, i did vaguely remember seeing his face at my friendstar message inbox (but come on, you? reply you? if he had a better photo on friendster i might have replied him). However, to be honest, seeing him in real person does make me think he actually could be a nice boyfriend. Anyway, isn't it very creepy there is always some people to claim to know you just because they had cyber stalked you?? yes, this is not the first time "some people" told other people they know me but i have no freaking idea who they are. Anyway, we carried on talking about that after dinner when we chatting in S's house because i called him a stalker. One thing I felt quite weird about him is he is trying to be too close/friendly to me which made me wonder if he likes me. In his place, he kept showing E (T was sleeping in the couch) my photos on friendstar to explain how "interesting" i was ( i really dont know why he would do that). Then he added me on facebook and asked me to log in to add him (was it necessary???). However, i didn't add him at that time tho, not in front of other people. anyway, suddenly a shocking news (just for me) came out from E's month, which is T and S are boyfriends.

WHAT?? I COULDN'T SENSE THAT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
They didn't kiss, didn't have any sweet talk, didn't hold hands, didn't even sit together when we ate!!!

anyway, i felt so stupid to called S a stalker. I really didn't know what T would think. honestly i really want to keep T as my friend and i don't want to him to misunderstand me therefore I know I need to keep distance from S.

When S drove me home that night I told him I really didn't know he and T are boyfriends if E didn't mention it. Then he said he thought i knew. I told him It was not even possiable for anyone to tell they are boyfriends unless those people are being told. Then he suddenly looked quite upset and go, "Do you think we are a good match?"

WAH! (chinese shocking expression) why would you ask me that??? What can i answer you ???? Would anyone know better then yourself ???? it was such a ridiculous question to ask.

Since that was such a dangerious question to answer I didn't think about if they really match or not at all. All i can think about is a nice way to say yes (do you really think no could be an opinion? huh? seriously?) to comfort him.

Drama Drama, can you keep away from me? what i want is just friends........

Some drama? (1)

Sometimes i wonder if what i write is interesting enough for people to read since this blog isn't meant to just for myself but also for the public to read as well. Therefore sometimes I think i should just skip some events which don't sound very interesting for most of the people, but, isn't it what blog there for and why it is so interesting to read? recording small, insignificant events or things that only mean something for their own but it somehow connects to the readers?

Therefore, I have decided I would just write whatever I feel like to write even it might even sounds silly to other people.

Therefore, "SUCK IT UP, GUYS!!!" hahahahhahahahahahhaha

okay, the long boring introductions is actually for the following incident......the reason i dont want to write about this is because i dont even know what i think is even true, I would be so embarrassed if its not :P. anyway, this is what happened.

Since me and T just exchanged phone number last week and we haven't been spoken to each other since then I decided I should do something to bring our friendship to the next stage. I text messaged him my msn few days ago. The same day, he called and told me he just got off from work and wanted to hang out. I told him I needed time to prepare, hence I suggested he should just come over my place and wait for me. Eventually we were just staying at my place and start drinking and chatting. Although T might not be the best mate I want to chat with but I still had a fairly pleasant time chatting. After that we decided to move our ass to go for supper. By the time we are ready to go T got a phone call from this friend asking if we want to join them for supper in up town. I agreed and we finally joined them around 7. Including me, there were only four people this time (ma, T, S and E). I've seen S and E once before in that gay event but we almost didn't chat at all since it was the first time I meet them and the crowd was quite big which makes it awkward to talk. I was hoping I could finally have some real conversation with them this time. The supper was really pleasant and I enjoy it very much. T turns out to be the normalest guy within the group, S is the uptight kind and E is the crazy dude. After the supper, on the way to take his car, he told me sometime a somwhow shocking news, he told me he had known me for a very long time. However, i have no memory meeting his guy before last week......(continue)

finally met some gay friends (2)

"It isn't kind to cultivate a friendship just so one will have an audience."

-Lawana Blackwell

"But come on, everyone does that!" Princsm screams,

Friendship

I think i am just a snob when it comes to meeting new friends. There are few things I think its quite important want to choose my friend. First, the look, oh yes, call me a s.h.a.l.l.o.w. but come on, please dont tell me you dont care how your friends look. Honestly i think it is actually really normal to do cuz people do want to project certain image to others and every move of you defines who you are includes choosing your friends, just like the reason why you chose to wear that red low-cut dress you went to a club last time. What i am saying is, I do choose my friend according their look, it doesn't just mean they have to have "good looking", but "the look" i want to hang out with. Second, maturity and mentality, I hate when people say things without really thinking about it and especially when they make pointless assumptions, it really annoys me. I like critical thinking and i like critical discussion too, for instance, if you want to talk about the movie you like, please dont just tell me "oh, its a really good movie! its very exciting/romantic/touching......", what i really want to hear is "why is it exciting/romantic/touching?" How about the acting? is the script cleverly written? what about the cinematography? is the visual good? What about the character/plot development........etc. Well, one could argue some people think social intercourse should be a relaxing thing and dont really want any "in depth discussion". Thats true too, but what i am saying is, I may not need to have "in depth discussion" every time but at least I want my friend to be able to have critical thinking and trust me, there are so many people can't even explain why they think the movie is so extraordinary. last thing, most important one, sincere and honest, i guess i dont have to explain why for this one.

I start wonder if i should change the headline of this post, cuz this post doesn't look like i am talking how i met those new Friend but about how snobbish i am. anyway, here is the story.

few days ago there was this big gay event held in the city and since the area the event took place was quite near where i live therefore i decided to go to take a look. I really didn't expect to meet anyone but eventually i met one of the guy I had met one or twice, T. T is a quite good looking guy(but he is the cutesy type, too much like a bottom, which is clearly not my type) anyway, I had ran into him few times on the street before and he was being quite nice to me. I dont know why but I was actually quite surprised that he was bein that nice to me. Cuz when a gay cute boy meet an other gay cute boy, it usually forms either love or competition, but friendship. Moreover, I am very shy and i don't speak much when I meet new people (even people i think i would like to han out with), which makes people think i am really arrogant (although sometimes its true), therefore . Anyway, I ran into him again that day and he asked me to join him to met his other friends. I almost said no because i really hate socialize with a bunch of new people but i am really desperate to have some friends, therefore I agreed to went with him. The crowd was big It feels rather awkward as I expected when we met up with his friends and I had almost zero interaction with his friends and I ended up just stuck with T all the time. For what i saw, there are only 1 or 2 people out of the crowd seem like the type i want to be friend with. Anyway, technically i didn't really met anyway new friends that day, but i really hope it would lead some real firendship later on...

Finally met some gay friends (1)

This is actually quite unusual to me.

I always refuse to meet or hang out with a group of gay friends. Why not? please don't tell me you don't know 9 out of 10 gay guys are nosy bitches, they gossip, a lot. I know this fact since I was grade 9 and i knew i am not going to like it therefore since then i never want to meet a group of gay friends. Each of my gay friend are quite individual which means when I hang out with my gay friends I only hang out with them once at a time and try my best to not to involve their group activities. Anyway, It helps me to prevent those gay bitches bitching about me, especially most of my friends are older then me they tend to take care of me therefore my name never really got discredited, well, not that i know. However, In the other hand, E, my best gay friend (used to be my best straight friend), didn't take my advice, when he turned gay few years ago he met a bunch of gay friends and hanged out with them all the time. Then he kept dating guys in his friend groups. Dating guys in your friend group shouldn't be a huge issue at all but breaking up with them is a serious one, especially the one who has tighter bounding with the group isn't you. It was too late for him to realized that. I don't know why E is so unfortunate every time his relationship ended the other guy would kept bitching about him to his friends (actually that is understandable, you would want "your" friend in your side right?) . Eventually after few broke ups, a huge amount of so called "friends" turned against him and call him a slut. I know E very for a long time and he is definitely not a slut (although some time he does act quite slutty). Anyway, after a long period of time being discredited, now those who kinna know about him but never meet him and talk to him in person would think he is a slut. Even my friends who have seen my photos that i took with E and didn't know we are best friends would tell me he is a slut and i should avoid him, of course i didn't tell E but It really makes the idea of meeting group gay friends sound very bad in my mind.

The days of living in this western country had been quite pleasant for me since the day i came here. I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of very good friends who have similar interest and maturity as me. I have to say that the first 2 years of college life was my favorite year in this country because i have those friends. However, since they are all older then me and graduate earlier then me they leave earlier then me as well, since my third year my friend has been leaving one by one. In my fourth year i almost has no good friends left in the city i am living in. I actually thought I would be fine because i had never thought friends would be a such important thing to me anyway. However, after one year of being no friends at all i realized how much i miss those friends i had and how much I need friends. I guess there were other factors as well, like i went through a serious family issue last summer and i were having winter depression last winter. Therefore I was desperate enough that I've decided I really should meet some new gay friends even if they are in group...

After few attempts, i did it.....well, at least it looks like it....I will have more detail tomorrow cuz it time to sleep now....

yawning*

What am I expecting

I really don't know whats wrong with me.

I have been feeling very depressed for days and today is the worst.

W called me today, after haven't communicated for a week. I wanted to pretend i am actually not that happy but I can't. However, something happened in our conversion and it made my whole day stayed miserable. Recently he found this interesting book named "riddley walker" by Russell Hoban and he was sharing me the story line. Since the story line is really interesting and I found a lot of similarity between some mangas that I have read therefore I started talking when he was still explaining the story too. I guess he was annoyed by my interruption and he finally said, "Why are you over talking me?" it was quite sudden and i didn't know how to respond. then i go "i am sorry I was just excited" I really dont understand why would he say that. I know thats annoying to get interrupted but there are million better ways to tell me to shut up, he could just say "hey, can i finish my sentence?" but "Why are you over talking me?"??? Excuse me? do you think i did that because i think it is fun to do?? anyway i was pissed but i didn't tell him, but i guess he kinna know that he told he get angry easily due to the weather. WHAT A SHITTY REASON. Anyway, after we finished the conversion i when to do some shipping alone and i really can't help thinking what happened in the morning. The more I thought about that the more i got pissed. Eventually I wanted to email him how pissed i was. Actually it is very usual for me to do that. When i got annoyed, i would kinna let it go at that time and pretend nothing happened(cuz i dont know how to react). but then i would spend hours to think about it and the more i think about it the more negative I would get. I am sure i get this from my mum because my mum is exactly like this. anyway, i was so pissed i was about to send this "clarification" emails to him. However, since this is not the first time he does it and everytime i did at i feel bad after. Therefore i decided to call one of my best friend A.

A is a very rational girl who gives the best comment in the world. Instead of giving emotional support, like "Waht a jerk!" "I feel so sorry for you" blah blah blah, she tends to analyze the situation and tell me what she think as a thrid person, her comments have always been very neutral. anyway, this is our conversion on skype:

A: 19:06:40

hmm, maybe it's the attitude he had and the way he framed it, cos actually i would apologize to the other person if i interrupted unintentionally

P: 19:07:03

i did apologize

A: 19:07:06

i guess he could've said it in a better way

P: 19:07:28

but i also feel bad when he said that

A: 19:07:51

i realize that he really knows how to push your buttons...i don't think he does it intentionally, but a lot of the things he says can really upset you

but some ppl are like that

P: 19:08:30

should i tell him i am upset?

A: 19:08:32

they tend to draw the more negative sides of us out

P: 19:08:52

you know , sometimes i even thing he think he can be rude to me because i like him

A: 19:09:04

well...i dunno...i'm not him, so i dunno if he'll get annoyed by all these "clarification" emails

P: 19:09:35

sigh................i know

but i still think what he said is rude

i have decided i will tell him next time i tlak to him

A: 19:13:00

actually, if i were you, i'll just let it go...

let me explain

it seems like you won't think he's suitable for you as a BF anyway, so he's more like a fren

and yet as friends, you guys dont' seem to be getting along that well either

cos rarely do frens always run into situations where there's misunderstanding, miscommunication etc. that requires a lot of clarification

i mean, once in a while there may be conflicts, but you guys have those tensions a lot

so depending on what you expect from him and your friendship with him, if you don't hold high hopes, then i would just let it go

P: 19:16:01

maybe i dont now what to expect from him

A: 19:17:56

i think you'll have to evaluate if this friendship is doing you more harm than good...is it making you happier or is it bringing you more problems and misery? and if you realize that you're always upset by him, then maybe you wanna readjust your distance with him...

i know it's hard cos you still have a bit of feelings for him; there's so much history and you guys do share some common grounds

but usually it's not all-or-none, you're probably never gonna hate him, and yet you gotta draw clearer boundaries

I totally agree on what A said, therefore, I ended up didn't send that Email I have drafted thousand times in my head. I am so glad I talk to A before I took the action. I really how bad i would feel this time if i did send....

anyway, its time to sleep...