House party

I went to a house party with Jo yesterday. Jo is a 24 white guy who apparently really likes me but he is a mental adolescent. We've been through lots of stupid dramas already. He begged me to give him a chance few weeks ago and eventually I've decided to give it a shot and was going to tell him that last night. But did I tell him? no. Why? Please keep reading.

He called me yesterday telling me he cancelled the plan to go to out of town and asked me if I want to hang out with him in his friend's house party. I said yes and I thought that would be a good chance to tell him we should date. So we went. The house party was just soso therefore we decided to go to a 90's rock club/disco (I have no idea what that kind of places called actually). We danced in the club and I was sitting down on the chair for the most of the time since I was actually exhausted because I work out for 2 hours in that afternoon. We're all drunk, then Jo started to dance with this Asian gay guy. I didn't really give a fuck about that actually. However when I started dancing again jo immediately switched to dance with me and wanted to kiss me. I stopped him and tell him if he wants to date we should not kiss at all, which make sense right?. Half an hour later I felt like I can't take it any more I really needed to sleep so I hug everyone goodbye and left. When I told Jo that I was going to leave, he said, "if you are going now then we are done" WTF? What is that mean? we are done? what is done? Why my exhaustion is related to something getting done? Do I give a fuck about whatever got done? no, so I left

The next day, which is today, he came by to pick up the bag that he left in my place before we went to the house party yesterday. He looked pissed. I didn't really understand that because it doesn't seem he should be the one to be upset, the one who is upset should be me right? I was threatened when I wanted to leave and he wasn't try to understand that I am human too and I could be tired. I asked him why he look pissed and he told me it is because I was acting grumpy last night. He thought I was mad about him dancing with that Asian gay guy, but sadly, the truth is I actually didn't give a fuck. I was just TIRED! damn it! For him, the only one reason why I wanted left must be because of him, what a self-centered guy. The interesting thing is, if he think dancing with an other guy is not appropriate to do in front of me, why would he do it? "I was going to tell you we should date, but you ruin it last night", I was going to say that to him, but I swallowed it down when I about to. I didn't want him feel worse then he already was.

Love in the club?

There is 365 days in a year so if you divide it into weeks it would have around 51.4 weeks a year. If we go clubbing in all the Fridays and Saturdays, then, including new year and X'mas party, there are approximately 106 clubbing nights a year. People go to clubbing for different reasons, some go there just for fun, some for the music and dance, some for the drama, some for ONS, and, some of them actually look for love. but

Is there love in the club?

A lot of you guys must be laughing at me when you see I even raise this question. There is no love in the club seem to be such an universal truth that every body should have known and I should have known it earlier, way earlier. The main reason I used to believed in it is because of W. I met W in a club in Hong Kong when I was 22 and before that, I didn't believe in love in the club as well. Therefore I was being so skeptical about him, but it turned out he is one of the most decent homosexual human being I have ever met in my life (except the part of how he deals with relationship). Meeting him changed my view of meeting people in the club and that also made me felt like I can see something that other people do not see. You know, it actually feels pretty good to think you have an insight others don't have. But today, after going through so many disappointments, although I don't want to, I have to say that I lost my faith in founding love club anymore. Of course there are exceptions, see how I met W, but the probability of that seems to share the same rate of getting winning a lottery ticket. So, instead of sitting and waiting to win the lottery, why don't we do something constructive? I am not shame of being used to believe such thing as well, this is what youth about? having faith in something silly, even ridiculous sometimes. Therefore, I would suggest you should keep believing in whatever you are believing, time, not me or any books, will tell you what is right in your life. life just would be more fun that way.

what should i do (part 3)

"Life is so Confusing!!"

12th Dec, Saturday, cold

I went clubbing with my newly met friends Br and Se that night. It was supposed to be a very fun night since we had so much fun last time we hanged out together. However, the night turned out to be a total mess.

When we were on the line outside the club I noticed a familiar face stood right behind me, it was "confusing Jo". Confusing Jo is a high school music teacher in his late twenties. We dated in the beginning of this year and, as his name I gave him, he is a very confusing guy who is very good at sending confusing signals. He would try very hard to let you know he like you more then just a friend but less than a boyfriend. After few weeks of meaningless dating I finally realized we were not going to anywhere so I ended it with an sms. Anyway, that night, I said hi to him but it was just totally out of politeness, i didn't even want to say a single word to him.

When we got into the club, Br immediately spotted his "kinda of" ex-boyfriend and started talking to him. Br obviously wanted to get back to him but me and Se both knew that Br was just treated as an-other-boy-in-the-club by his ex-boyfriend. Few minutes later Br was gone, who knows what happened. Se and me stayed in the club and Se suddenly asked me if i mind if he hit on confusing Jo. Of course I don't mind and even i did i know it was not my business anyway. So I was left alone. Then, I saw AM. He looked at me in the exact same way as how he did last week. Since I was just by myself so I finally decided to talk to him. However, when I actually tried to approach him he walked away. I was a bit dismayed since those kind of courage can only burst once. Therefore, I did something stupid and I deeply regarded doing it. I asked his white friends, the one he always hang out with, for his name.

"Hey, what's your friend's name?" I went

"which one" he replied

"The one with the navy blue shirt" i said to him

"why dont you ask him yourself" he said it in a annoying tone

what the hell????? did I do something wrong?????

Then AM came back to the dance floor and he didn't do anything. It's impossible that this white dude didn't tell AM I've just asked his name. so....Is he interested or is he interested not? I was so confused. In order to end this awkward situation I knew I had to talk to AM by myself. So, I asked. I am not sure if its because the music is so loud or i was too drunk. I can't hear what he said at all and they looked like they were about to leave. The only thing I heard is "stay here, i will be right back". I didn't stay in the same spot, but i was looking there, he didn't come back.

I was left even more confused.



what? what about Se and confusing Jo? oh oh oh.........did I mention that guy's name is confusing Jo?

what should I do (part 2)

5th Dec 2009, Saturday, Cold

I went to the same club alone again. I guess its was still a little bit early when I got there, there wasn't many people in the club at the time. I was drinking and dancing, then this red Hollister shirt guy (RHG) approached me. he looked quite cute in the club and It didn't take more then the one song for us to went from just staring each other to start dancing together. Four songs later we started kissing. Everything went fine until I saw AM and his friend again. At the moment, AM was looking at me, right into my eyes. Suddenly, this huge guiltiness just exploded in my head and I can't explain why. When AM looked at me, he looked at me as if i did something wrong. I tried to look at AM few times while I was dancing with RHG and every time I did I got the same look in return then I would look at the floor. I have to admit that I was so annoyed but intrigued by the whole situation and I would love to know what's in AM's mind. However, I had my RHG at the time and I can't just simply push him away since I kind of picked him too when he approached me. Therefore that night, AM and I still hadn't talked. Around 1 am, RHG asked me if i want to go to his place, the signal is obvious, and I agreed.

I was nervous indeed, not only because I've never done one-night-stand before but also because of I do not have a lot sex experience (yes, sadly). I always told myself ONS is not something wrong/ugly/dirty and it just a way that people use to fulfill their sexual need as long as they are consensual and they think they can handle the emotion fluctuation after doing it. Therefore, I thought that might be the time I should experience it.

"hey, I just want to let you know I might not be able to do that because I didn't have a lot of experience" I didn't say that to pretend to be innocent, I said that as I meant it because the last time I tried to have anal sex I had to tell that guy to pull it out after he just put his glans penis in. That's how untrained my body is.

"it's okay" he said it and looked at me, "we don't have to do it if you don't want to"

"no, i want to, it jsut.... i dont know if i could take it"

Then I went to his place and started making out on his bed. We jerked each other off for awhile then he asked me if he could top me while his put his erected penis against my butt.

However, he didn't, he just didn't. I asked him why but he didn't answer. I am not sure if it was because I hesitated when I answered his question. He just kept jerking me and he seemed like he just want the whole thing to finish. However, the thing is, I can't cum when I feel pressure (because i feel like he just want my to cum and finish the act). Therefore I stopped him and asked him if he need to work the next day. He said yes and I suggested that I might just go home. He agreed and walk me home. I do think that's quite nice of him to walk me home.

I actually think that is the best possible way of how this ONS story should end since I did try to have it (ONS) and I realized ONS is not for me and I realize it before i actually got fucked by someone I don't know so well.

but, i still don't understand why didn't he do it.........hmmmm.........any thoughts?

Love her speech

what should I do (part1)

Lets go clubbing!!! arr.....not this kind

yea, what should I do?

Do you guys still remember I was writing about this annoying dude 3 weeks ago? Actually there were more happened that night...

I actually saw this two guys that the club as well that night. One of them is an Asian mix white and the other one is a white. that They look like they are in their thirties and both of them are quite masculine (I dont usually really like masculine guys but they do look quite nice) and the fact that they acted quite shy made they even cuter. I personally prefer the white one and I noticed both of them did looked at me occasionally that night especially that Asian mix (I'm going to call him AM in post). In fact, I drew quite a few attentions that night, I can't help to think if that was because I look different since I've been working out. I was kinda wait for AM to talk to me so I dance quite close to him, in fact, we were actually dance back to back. however, this annoying duge suddenly appeared and ruin the whole thing (if you want to know more about that incident, click here). When that duge tried to flirt with me and even wanted to kiss me, AM was just dancing right beside me. I had to literally push that duge away when he leaned towards me and tried to kiss me (an other strong reason for me to push him away is to prove to AM and his friend i am not a slut, lol). AM were witnessing the whole thing. That was pretty dramatic indeed. Me and AM ended didn't talking to each other that night and I was a bit disappointed...

I thought the story would end there, but its not, i saw him in the club 2 weeks later, which I am going to talk about it in the next post, stay tuned...

quite like this song recently