House party

I went to a house party with Jo yesterday. Jo is a 24 white guy who apparently really likes me but he is a mental adolescent. We've been through lots of stupid dramas already. He begged me to give him a chance few weeks ago and eventually I've decided to give it a shot and was going to tell him that last night. But did I tell him? no. Why? Please keep reading.

He called me yesterday telling me he cancelled the plan to go to out of town and asked me if I want to hang out with him in his friend's house party. I said yes and I thought that would be a good chance to tell him we should date. So we went. The house party was just soso therefore we decided to go to a 90's rock club/disco (I have no idea what that kind of places called actually). We danced in the club and I was sitting down on the chair for the most of the time since I was actually exhausted because I work out for 2 hours in that afternoon. We're all drunk, then Jo started to dance with this Asian gay guy. I didn't really give a fuck about that actually. However when I started dancing again jo immediately switched to dance with me and wanted to kiss me. I stopped him and tell him if he wants to date we should not kiss at all, which make sense right?. Half an hour later I felt like I can't take it any more I really needed to sleep so I hug everyone goodbye and left. When I told Jo that I was going to leave, he said, "if you are going now then we are done" WTF? What is that mean? we are done? what is done? Why my exhaustion is related to something getting done? Do I give a fuck about whatever got done? no, so I left

The next day, which is today, he came by to pick up the bag that he left in my place before we went to the house party yesterday. He looked pissed. I didn't really understand that because it doesn't seem he should be the one to be upset, the one who is upset should be me right? I was threatened when I wanted to leave and he wasn't try to understand that I am human too and I could be tired. I asked him why he look pissed and he told me it is because I was acting grumpy last night. He thought I was mad about him dancing with that Asian gay guy, but sadly, the truth is I actually didn't give a fuck. I was just TIRED! damn it! For him, the only one reason why I wanted left must be because of him, what a self-centered guy. The interesting thing is, if he think dancing with an other guy is not appropriate to do in front of me, why would he do it? "I was going to tell you we should date, but you ruin it last night", I was going to say that to him, but I swallowed it down when I about to. I didn't want him feel worse then he already was.

Why am i being stupid again

I saw W online on facebook today but he wasn't on skype. I said hi to him and asked if he received my email, he said yes and then he asked me if I can delete my message on twitter. The day when he made fun my hair I actually wrote a twitter message saying "some fucking jerk just make fun of my hair, I don't do my hair for you, so you better fuck off and die" I didn't expect he would see it but he happened to see it. When he asked me to delete my message I was confused I didn't understand why do I have to do that, because those messages are like my personal emotion record, and why can't I express my anger on my own page? But at the end I still deleted it, reluctantly, and my respond is "ok, thanks". Then I told him I really dont understand why but he didn't reply and went off line.

After a cup of soothing tea I wrote this email to him

Hi W,

after talking to you on facebook I was very frustrated and upset. Then I drunk some tea and think about the whole thing. I do agree that deleting the rude message is a right thing to do and I also agree that the word I used was overly strong and you would never say the same thing to me even you are anger with me. When you tell me to deleted the message I thought you wanted me to deny the upset feeling I had when you made fun of me, but now I realize it wasn't like that. This incident makes me think that may be I am not that ready to be a friend with you yet, I still care too much of what you say to me and I think it would course more misunderstandings. good luck on everything and we will talk when we meant to talk again

take care

P

XxXxXx

when we began the conversations, I was actually hoping he would ask about the cold I just got...

Why am I being stupid.

this is one of the pictures of me I look after my hair cut and hair dye

I went to have a hair cut last week and I dyed my hair the following day, into a much lighter brown. Thanks for my light skin tone, it doesn't look that awkward on me. After all the transformation my hair had I felt like I should have a new hair style. Therefore the following day I put jel on my hair and made it in Faux Hawk style. I told W that and he immediately asked me to show him my hair on web cam. However, once he saw my hair he sent me this guy's picture, yes, It's Gok Wan (this is the picture he sent me). I didn't know who the hell he was until W explained me. In my opinion, I think he is a very ugly guy and I thought that was a horrible joke to make to a guy who just tried to have a new hair style.

I have to say I have very low self-esteem and It took lots of my courage to try a new hairstyle. I felt like shit when he told me I looked like him. He told me it was just a joke later on but it obviously didn't make me feel any better. I was extremely pissed and I told him I had to hang up on skype with a random reason. I can't get over the all I look like gok wan thing so I sent the following message to him on facebook the that night.

"You are the one who asked me to show my hair to you on cam, but you immediately make fun of me when you see it. I don't understand why you think its funny. It actually hurts"

Then he replied, " sorry - didn't mean to hurt you - i was just being dumb. I really like your hair like that anyway"

I talked to Ri the other day. She said something that I would have said to myself. She told me I shouldn't have acted that uptight and just laughed about it. I can't help to feel like I was being a defensive drama queen... I know it was not very cool but I just can't control it.I was bothered by that for days and eventually I sent him an email yesterday telling him that I am sorry too, for being overacting...

I don't know what I am doing.....I don't know why I still give a shit.....and it's painful

God, could you help me? could you help me to stop loving him?

What happened between me and P after all the drama, Something between me and W

We didn't work out.

He came to Toronto to visit me 2 week after I left montreal. We talked every day online before he came. Everything was fine when he was here, we didn't even have any argument, but we just felt distanced which we both couldn't figure out why. a week later he told me he kissed someone in the club and we should be friend. I was not surprised, yet I was very disappointed and upset, especially after all the dramas. When he told me he likes me in Montreal, I really thought he is the one.

I talked to W about that incident later on. Usually we wouldn't talk about things like that, but I really needed some consolation at that time. Since we opened the "dating topic", we talked about more about our dating life. He told me he had dated twice after we broke up last year and he also confessed to me that he has an other facebook account that he use to talk to other people, especially his gay friends. I was mad, but I can't found a reason to blame him. He told me the reason he didn't want me to know that account is because he doesn't want me to be mad. I don't know if that explanation make sense at all, but I didn't say anything. Then he added me on that account and all I saw on this wall were messages that left by this japanese guy who he used to date long time ago. And In fact, this japanese guy just went to visit him few weeks ago, I was jealous, but, what I could do?

A very long story in Montreal - Day 5, 6 and 7

I was talking to my friend K, which is one of my very good friends who would read my blog regularly, the other night. I realized I missed some of the informations in my previous posts. First, M is a Hong Konger, Asian and P is a French Canadian, white. I guess it makes more sense why M is so jealous of me since we are both asian.

Day 5, 21th, Sunday

We went out together to shop for some ingredients I needed to make that day's supper. We all pretended nothing had happened, especially me and P, we didn't even talk when P's around. We (P and M and B and one of M's friend and me) played card games again after supper and P was kicking me under the table the whole time. P actually needed to write an exam the next day, but he insisted to stay playing cards with us and I knew he was doing that for me, I did feel a bit guilty but I didn't want him to go back to his room either. We played until we can't even move, It was a really nice night.

Day 6, 22th, Monday

I woke up without M sleeping next to me. I saw P in his room preparing his paper then I asked him where was everyone Me and P had a small chat before he when for the exam and he told me he would definitely fail the exam but it's okay. Since I knew P actually doesn't like M that much, it's actually really hard for me to understand why M would just sleep in P's room. Therefore I asked M why would he do that (sleeping in your roommate's room) carefully that night. Then M told me proudly that he do it all the time and trying to tell my how close they are again. I felt very bad for him because of that. M is so obsessed with P and he doesn't P doesn't like him at all.

Day 7, 23th, Monday

This was the day I need to go back. I am sure M was waiting for that day so badly. In the other hand, it was a sad day for me and P, especially we can have a a proper goodbye since M is around.

he texted me "I miss you already" as soon as I get on the bus...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 4

Continuing...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Day 4, 20th, Saturday

I felt so tired when I woke up. It felt like I didn't sleep at all. When M saw me woke up he gave me this a calm smile and a hug, but I knew it wasn't all sincere, he was just trying to be calm. However, to me, I really didn't care if his smile is real or not, I just wanted to get things over with and at least he was trying. However, I still didn't feel very comfortable around the house since I thought both P and M hated me, so I went out. I kept wandering around the downtown montreal for hours and by the time I went back to their place was around 5 p.m.. When I get back to that place I saw P was getting really to go out. Then M told me that P needed to work that night so we would just go clubbing with him and B. I wasn't that surprised that P decided to go to work rather then hang out with us since what had happened, but I was really surprised that we were still going to clubbing at all that night.

So, I came up a plan

A plan that I thought it would weaken the impact of that had happen. I decided to act like a whore in the club and kiss whoever so M would think I am a slut and the kiss that I had with P was just a causal kiss that doesn't mean anything to us. Since I thought they hate me anyway, I really don't think I will ever see them again, therefore I really had nothing to lose, and moreover.....I got to be a slut too.

We sent to B's place for the pre drink before going to the club. It was very obvious that M was still upset because he was really trying to get himself drunk. When we got to the club I immediately tried to spot a guy to make out with. However, I wasn't the only one who was playing the slut, M did the same too. I ended up making out with two different guys and M just kept kissing whoever he saw. By the end of the night he was so drunk that he couldn't even stand up and walk. I needed to hold him to walk when we left the club. P told M that he would take us home after he finish work so we decided to just wait for P at B's place since he lives close by the village. M wasn't conscious at all by the time we arrived to B's place. Then B told me something which is rather shocking, for me.

He told me P actually really likes me and wants to talk to me. I was astonished because for all those times I thought he hated me he actually liked me. Then B told me his plan, yea, another plan for the night, which is letting P takes me home while M is sleeping in B's sofa. Even though it sounded like a terrible idea, I didn't have a better plan on this situation, so I decided to just do whatever his plan was. Moreover, I really can't resisted the idea to finally get to talk to P privately especially since B told me P actually likes me I can finally open my mind to allow myself to release my affection for P.

P arrived 20 minutes later than I got in his car. It felt really weird because we didn't even had a proper conversation before that and now he is taking me home for a chat. I was scared and excited, I'm sure he was too. However, the nightmare came true, when we were still on the the car, M called. I rejected the call and he called again and again. Eventually we decided to turn off our phones, it was scary. We start chatting after we got to his place. The first thing I told him was the reason why I was being a slut in the club, because B told me that P's friend saw me in the club so P knew everything that happened in the club that night. P told me it was fine after my explanation and we carried on chatting. That chat was nice until we hear the taxi out side the building. We knowing it was M. When M got home he was yelling and pounding the floor, I was super scared. Then M took a shower and sat beside us. First he blamed us to leave him in b's place then kept saying sorry to P for being an idiot and ignored me. After about 10 minutes of silence he said his sorry to me too, for being drunk and stupid. So we three sat there for a very long time with silence. Me and P kinda hope that M would just go to sleep so we would chat a bit more but he just wouldn't move. So I called it a night and when back to M's room to sleep.

I was sleeping like baby again just like the day before except this time I didn't feel as bad.

(to be continue)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Continuing...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

Day 3, 19th, Friday (part 2)

So I found myself kissing with P in the club. To be very honest, I really can't recall how that happened and who started it. However, I did know what we were doing might piss M off since they are roommates. I was going to suggest that we should go somewhere more conceal to carry on what we were doing. Unfortunately, when we got back to the M and B, I immediately noticed there was something wrong, so as P. M didn't say a word and with a very pissed look. At that moment I knew M saw us already and I finally realized he likes P. Then I turned my head and looked at P, He looked pissed too. I felt terrible and guilty, especially I didn't know how the kissing started and who showed the first affection first. I kissed him first or he did? Since I saw P looked pissed as well so I just assumed that I was the one who started it, because his look showed me it might not be what he wanted. In order to escape the awkwardness, we got out of the club and started heading home. On the way, M was acting super weird. Sometimes he told me it was totally fine but sometimes he told me he is really sad. He told me "You've done something I wanted to do for a very long time." He also kept on asking me why I would kiss him with this "pretending everything it's cool tone", however, It didn't work, I totally found anger from his voice and I knew he did that just to want me to feel bad, and in that regard, he succeeded. I said my sorry and in fact, I was sorry too, I knew he wanted to be the one who was kissing P, but I just can't change the the past, I just hope he would stop stabbing me with his questions.

When we got back to their place, no one said a word. While M was taking a shower I went to have a short talk with P. I told P to put all the blames on me. I told him that I am just coming for few days and he still needs to stay with M for a long period of time. Therefore the best way to get over this is just put all the blames on me. In that moment I didn't really care about the friendship between me and M anymore I just want to get it over with. I just didn't want to see their "roommateship" get ruined by me, especially a good "roommateship" is something that I always wanted but never had, just like how I thought in Day 2. P told me its okay then I went back to M's room to sleep. P later told me that after M took his shower he went to talk to P for awhile as well. P also told me that that night M asked him if he kissed me because I am cuter then M. M asked P which of us (M and me) is cuter as well. When I heard that , I was like "OMG...M is really jealous". I think the question itself is very dumb, why would you want to ask a person, who is not interested in you already, if he thinks you are cute. What are you expecting him to answer? look, if he think you are cuter then you will be the one who is kissing him in the club, not me. Moreover, me and M, regarding the out look, I don't even think we have competition at all.

As soon as I jumped on the bad that night, I slept like baby, but a baby who is having a serious nightmare.

(to be continue)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 4

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

I am back!!!!! Finally!!!

It's been more then two weeks, due to my exhausting, life consuming visit to Montreal, I wasn't able to write anything until today.

Unfortunately I have tell you guys that I will not continue writing my last post (unless anyone beg for it, which I doubt it would happen anyway) because I have an even bigger, more dramatic story to tell, and of cuz, it happened in Montreal. And because of that incident, those dates that I've mentioned in the previous post become pointless now.

Since this is going to be a very long story, I'm going to divide it into few parts. I promise you guys I will finish the whole story this time.

Introduction

Although I had to drop my plan to go to UK, I still want to go somewhere to escape from my dull life, therefore I thought about Montreal, where is alot cheaper for me to go. I told my plan to M, which is a nice friend I met about a month ago, and M immediately told me he is happy to offer me accommodation since he is currently living in Montreal. It was really nice of him because that would make my trip even cheaper if I have a place to stay for free, However, I do have my concern. My concern is if he would cross the line when I am there because he had been sending confusing singles to me after I met him for the first time. Sometimes I just think what he said to me is a bit too intimate, like, he asked me to kiss him when I got there if I want to thank him (he wasn't just sayin' it, he did ask for it when i was there). Moreover, he also told me that I got the perfect look of his guy of his dream but it just too bad that I am a bottom too. That's why I asked him several times to confirm if he really is a bottom because I don't want to have anything weird happen between us. However, what had happened later on between us was way more weird then I anticipated.

Day one, 17th, Wednesday

After hours of exhausting bus ride, I saw M waiting for me in the bus terminal. Then we headed to his place. When I got to his place, I saw two people there, P and B, watching telly together, six feet under to be specific. After I changed my cloths and had something to eat with M, I went to say hi with them. P is M's current roommate, a 23 years old French Canadian, and B is P's good friend. M told me he had only met B once so he doesn't know about him very well as well.

Before I went to Montreal, M showed me pictures of P on facebook and asked me if I think he is cute. Honestly, when I looked at it I wasn't impressed at all because he looks like a small immature bitchy gay guy in the photos, that mainly because of I was told that he is younger so I didn't look at those photos seriously because I am easily turned off by younger guys. However, seeing him in real person, he actually looks a lot nicer then I thought before. However, that was it, I wasn't really attracted, for two main reasons. First, he is my friend's roommate, it would be weird If I got closer to him then M. Second, when I went to say hi to them, P was watching those Korean music videos that he download from the net on the telly. Then I realized he is a huge Korean rice queen, which is a serious turn off for me. Then M told me that P only like Korean/Japanese looking guy later on that night, which my look has nothing close to that (I have been asked if I am mixed Asian hundred times in my whole life). Anyway, we drank and played cards together and it was really fun. We played until 2 in the morning and then decided to carry on the drinking and card playing next night in B's place. Before me and M went sleep, M told me lots about him and P, mostly about how a good roommate. I couldn't agree more on that and then we went to sleep.

Day 2, 18th, Thursday

I slept till noon that day, after washing their dirty dishes for an hour and had the "lunch", it was already like 4pm. Then me and M went to work out for awhile in downtime Montreal. During the train ride to downtown, M told me even more about P, but it's still about how nice and gentle he is and how he is being such a incredible roommate to him. One thing that worth to notice is he kept mentioning that he is very shy almost every time he told me things about him. I only realized the reason why he did it later on after a huge drama. We got to B's place at around 10. I forgot what we were talking about when we walked into B's place and the conversation eventually led to a hug between P and M. While they were hugging, P looked at me and joke about if I were jealous. I sad no, of course, but the fact is, I was, not because I like either P or M, but the close friendship between roommates, because I've never had a very close friendship with my roommates I have had and most of my roommates are shitheads.

Day 3, 19th, Friday

I was very excited because it was the clubbing day, which is the main purpose to go to Montreal in the first place. I went to swim for while in the afternoon then we (including me, P, M, B) went to a birthday party of a friend of P and B. After hours of exhausting English conversation with their French speaking friends, we finally headed to the club. It was fun, clubbing in montreal just never let me down. We drank and dance, dance and drank, god knows how much we had drunk. I was black out for awhile, when I gradually got back my consciousness, I found myself kissing P....

(to be continued)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Is that Love or Stupidity?

I am so glad that I keep this blog away from my friends, otherwise I will not be able to write this post.

K and I went for a dinner last night. We dined at this Jazz bar/restaurant that I found online. The place looked a little sketchy, which made me a bit nerves before I walk in (that's the thing about trying new restaurant you found with your friend), but the food and music turned out to be rather lovely, especially the music, it was like jazz mixed with Spanish guitar, I had nothing to complain except the crappy stage.

However, with such beautiful music, I still couldn't loosen up my mind to enjoy the night, mostly because of K's stressful talk about his recent life. I knew he desperately wanted to share his stressful stories with me from the day that he asked me to have this dinner with him, but i just didn't anticipate the talk would be that stressful. First, He told me a whole bunch of incidents about how he got verbal abuses from his homophobic co-workers, which is sucks enough, then he told me about his psycho roommate who would steal his food and throw away this cooking utensils. The thing that really got me while I was listening to his stories was the fact that he had never done anything about it, he just let shit happen to him. Every time I asked him why he didn't fight for himself he has his perfect explanation of why he shouldn't. Okay, I understand when he said he doesn't want to make his boss his enemy, but what about his crazy roommate? To be honest, I think this is simply because of his cowardliness. I particularly hate when people just bitch about situations that they had never even try to solve it or fight for it in any way. After all, I think there is no one he could blame but himself in such case.

Then he started talked about his boyfriend, which is the whole point of having this dinner. The story is not that impressive or complex after all. His boyfriend cheated on him, like many others, with tons of guys that he met online. K went to his boyfriend's place to stay over few days ago and discovered all the erotic conversations that his boyfriend stored in his computer by accident (really?). I just couldn't understand why guys would do that, bring the trophy of cheating home right in front of their partners face as if they are blind or something, where's their brain? Oops I almost forgot guys don't actually think with with brain. Obviously, his boyfriend couldn't denied that fact that he had met guys online and had those conversations with those internet boys since there are evidences, but, unsurprisingly, he denied having sex with anyone of them, despite he had actually scheduled the date with his online mates and mentioned about having lube and condom in those conversations. K told me he believes his boyfriend might actually telling the truth. However, I think that is what K wants to believe, but actually believing. Then he told me about how he also cheated on his boyfriend once as well, what a surprise, therefore he wants to forgive his boyfriend on this one, which he already did. However, I think K is making a huge logical mistake here. The fact K had also cheated doesn't means that he should tolerant his boyfriend's cheating. They both did something wrong, individually, and they shouldn't be in the same equation and able to balance out, they should be deal with separately. But apparently K's brain doesn't function like that. One thing about this incident is now K starts to worry about his health because he and his boyfriend never used condom during their love making. He told me he wants to have body check since only god knows how many guys that K's boyfriend had fucked with unsafely when they are together and before they are together. I asked K if he would continue to let his boyfriend fuck him without a condom in the future. I proposed two questions to him. First one, "If you starts asking him to put on a condom every time he fucks you, then are you ready for the challenge of being accused of not trusting his boyfriend anymore?". Second question, "If you continues to let him fuck you bareback, you are actually putting yourself in a very dangerous position of getting STD and HIV, why do you want to do that?" he told me he does't know how to answer either questions and he only knows he really love his boyfriend.

Letting your boyfriend fuck you raw might be because of ignorant, but letting your boyfriend fuck you raw after knowing he is one of those high risk people then you are nothing but a stupid dumb-fuck. Don't use Love to camouflage your stupidity, love is so much greater then that.

Guys, especially the gay ones, don't trust anyone, use a condom.

OMG! I was kissed by fucking FK

It still grosses me out when I think about it now.

okay, if you don't know who FK is then read the previous post or click here.

Yesterday is the last day of M's business trip here therefore we decided to have a farewell sleep in/PJ party in his hotel where is just 1 minutes away from where I live. I didn't want FK to come but it was just hard to not to invite him since he and M are friends and M didn't know the creepy stories I had with FK.

One interesting thing was M was being very touchy-feely to me the whole night. Since he is a bottom as well so I don't see the harm of it, I just let him, I even let me kiss my cheek. However, FK didn't seem to know what is the different between he and M. He probably thought he can do the same thing to me as what M did, so he tried to touch me few times that night and I just pushed him away every time he did it.

Whereas M had huge king size bed in his room so we three decided to just sleep on the same bed together after couples of drinks and a long chat(me and M did most of the chatting, FK remains quiet all the time), which is actually part the plan and the point of having a PJ party there. After we got ready to sleep, I set myself on the middle of the bed between M and FK, which soon I noticed that is a total mistake. On the bed, M put his arms around me and hug me, which I actually enjoyed it. However, Few seconds later, unsurprisingly, FK tried to do the same thing to me as well. Eventually I had to swap the position with M to avoid FK. I wasn't feeling very comfortable with FK the whole night because of this odd, but I still manage to handle it in a very nice manner because I thought he is just lack of social decency and didn't know what to act in front of someone who he likes. However, the next, he did something totally cross the line.

HE FUCKING KISSED ME

he probably thought I was still sleeping and wouldn't notice the kiss. the fact is he was wrong, I had my eyes closed but I wasn't really sleeping that time because I was waken by M when he woke up earlier that morning. I was half sleep and half awake at that time and I totally felt the kiss. It was so GROSS I screamed right after he kiss. I have to say it is not the kiss that gross me out the most, but the creepiness of the action, thinking about kissing me when I cant notice and can't defend myself. I was totally creep out. M asked me what happened. I told him I was kissed my FK and FK didn't say a word at that time. I didn't know what to do except feeling horrid to be honest and FK just pretended nothing had happened.

The whole thing still gross me out and I do not think I will never talk to/meet/contact in any of form with FK again.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I told the whole incident to one of my friend and he told me that is not count as a molestation. He told me molestation should involved more touching and squeezing. A kiss is not anything like that at all. But I did feel offended by it! Do you guys think that is molestation at all or I am just over reacting?

Met a very nice new firend.......through an annoying friend.

winter is not that bad after all

Its not that much snow this year...

I met this new friend M through my friend FK last Saturday. M is a 23 years old gay Hong Koner who just finished his degree in Hong Kong and now working in this crappy country. Although we live in different cities, after hanging out with Marc twice, I can kinda tell that we would become very good friends in the future, well, at least I would try my best to keep him as a friend, because I figured he is one of the few Chinese gay guys who actually have some comment sense, social decency and able to communicate in a more mature manner.

On the other hand, FK, a 25 year-old Chinese realtor, is the annoying friend. The reason I've never mentioned him here before here in this blog is because he is extremely annoying, it would just get on my nerves if I ever mention anything that he did to me. But whatever, I am going to talk about him right here right now and it would be the only time I will talk about him here. First thing first, he likes me, really likes me, which I didn't notice when I first met him through my friend T, who I have talked about in my earlier blog entries and had brought me into stupid drama before. FK is not handsome at not all but he has this geek look that I quite like when I met him. He is rather quiet when I first met him and that's why it took us half of a year to move on to actually chatting on internet. Once we started chatting I kinda figured out that he likes me. So we moved on to chatting on phone and start "dating". However, after our second date, I decided to stop. Why? keep reading

The first date was okay. However, at the second date, he told me he wanted to watch the movie I have already watched, which is a single man, and asked me if I mind to watch it again with him. It was a very nice movie indeed, so I didn't mind watching it again. Then he told me he had this coupons so I would not need to pay. I thought it was great and fair for me to go to see a movie that I have seen with him. However, When we were going to to have supper before watching the movie, he suggested that I might want to pay for the supper because he paid for the movie. But the thing is, in fact, he didn't really pay for the movie, okay? that was a coupon, and even if he did pay by actually money I still think it was fair for him to pay because I was, in fact, watching a movie that I have watched with him, it was kinda an offer. I can't believe he was "thick skin" enough to ask me to pay for the supper. I didn't seem to have an opinion to refuse it, so I paid. And that supper turned out cost more then that two movie tickets. I wasn't trying to be calculating and I wouldn't have problem with paying half and half for everything including the ticket. but what he did is just not the way it should work.

There's more. On my 25 year-old bday party, He came to my party an hour early. I really didn't know what's in his mind but I have to say I staying with him along was just so creepy since I had no interest in him anymore and started to notice he is a cyberstalker. He looked at my youtube account and murmured, "oh, so your youtube account is xxxxx...." the thing is, he didn't say it in a naughty tone and try to sounds like he was joking, he said it as he has discovered some secret info about me and really will cyberstalk me....THAT'S CREPPY!! OKAY??? god... That's why I will never show him my blog. Oh, I forget to say, he brought all the food that he bought to the party back home without saying a word. Why he did is just weird. That's actually alot more, but I decided I might want to stop here so it won't gross myself out.

Dating an eighteen-year-old (2)

I have a feeling that a lot of people is waiting for the rest of this story.

so, here you go!!

please read dating an eighteen-year-old (1) before you read this post

One condition I made before accepting this invitation is that he had to pay for the supper, I am an ass hole i know, but I do have reason tho. The reason I wanted him to pay is because if he wants to be my top/boyfriend in his age, he really has to do a bit more then other older-then-me guy to prove me he can handle a guy that much older then him. It's totally unfair, but its just something he needs to do if he really want this date. I wasn't being that brutal anyway, I told him he has to pick the restaurant as well so he could choose somewhere inexpensive to go.

Eventually he chose this Japaneses restaurant that he has never been and near where I live. That Japanese restaurant was very neat with a very minimal interior decorations which is a good sign of a authentic japanese cuisine. The menu is actually not that impressive and it doesn't have a broad range of variety of food, I wasn't that disappointed because sometimes that is a good sign of a quality Japanese restaurant as well. Since that restaurant seems to be quite famous for their sushi and they only one chose of sushi dish on the menu (I am not talking about rolls), so I ordered that. Appearenly that is the most expensive dish on the menu, which is like $20. He panicked!! I am sure He was nervous when he saw the price. But honestly, I think that's more then reasonable if they offer good sushi.

"hmmm......chicken teriyaki....hmmm...I wonder if its with the miso soup....." he murmured, when he was deciding what to order.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? who would order chicken teriyaki in a decent japanese restaurant for supper, may be lunch, but definitely not supper. I was sure he worried the cost.

"Order the same thing as me, you came here for the sushi right?" I said, "It's okay, I could pay my own meal, it's important for you to order what you want."

Then he decided to order the sushi plate as well and dismissed my suggestion of paying my own bill.
The sushi turned out to be great, the cut of the fish is very good, most of them are belly cuts except the tuna, but its just hard to have nice fatty tuna outside japan. However, the portion is very small, it might be big enough for a tiny lady but definitely not enough for a grown up men like us. After he paid the bills I suggested to go to an other Japanese restaurant to continue eating and that will be on me.

Did he said anything stupid on the date?

yes he did

Me: So you just believe whatever on the net don't you
Sam: no I don't
Me: Have you heard of the internet myth about growing kittens in a vase and selling it in japan?
Sam: yes, but that is different, that's a fact
Me: OMG, that is a well known internet hoax, how could you believe that is true?? and you DO believe ANYTHING on the net.
Sam: It's a fact! what are you talking about? It's documentary fact and theres photo to prove it, and the web site who record it call the bonsai kitten. (he tried to sound academic here as you can tell)

we kept arguing on that for a while.....

Me: Okay, then find me the web site on your iphone
Sam: Okay

(few seconds later)

Sam: I can't, Its been pulled off (of course, cuz that's a fake site you dump ass)
Me: okay, if that is a fact then find me a reliable news website about this incident.

(few seconds later)

Sam: Oh............oh..........(his voice turning small).....the bonsai kitten thing is a hoax.......you are right

This is how dump he is.

extend reading:
the bonsai kitten hoax

Dating an 18-year-old. (1)

Oh man, I don't even know where to start.

About a year ago, there was this random white dude added me on facebook. I don't usually add people I don't know in person on facebook but I made a exception on that one. We were nothing more then just random facebook buddies who would leave comments to each others photos occasionally. We weren't even friends so we've never actually chatted and I didn't even know if he is gay or not. Until a week ago he added me on msn, he told me he just moved to the city where I am currently living in and he wanted to date me because he think I am extremely cute. It was very straight forward indeed. I would love to date him if he is not that much younger, well, I've always known he is younger but just didn't know he is that young, 18, are you serious? and the thing is, I am almost sure he is a bottom from his look (like a cutesy emo boy look and always in his tight women jeans just like I do), why would I date a 18-year-old bottom? However, within this three day's chatting, he kept trying to prove me how much of a Top he is, a dominant one, he constantly reinforced. He would say the most nasty things to me to prove to me how "mature" he is, sexually. Honestly, I was a bit turned on by those nasty words but I would never let him know I was turned on by them. In fact, well, if he was telling me the truth, he actually had so much more sex experience then I ever had. He told me his first time was 14. It was just crazy. My first time was fucking 20. I just can't believe how horny this generation's teenagers are. Anyway, he kept asking me for a date and I kept rejecting with the same reason, which is "you are too young", every time when he hears it he told me who shallow I am and how I shouldn't limit myself by the age.

Am I really shallow? Is age really just a game of numbers and only mentality should count? or the idea of men should always be bigger, stronger, older, smarter is inborn in our mind that we just can't resist?

I even told W about this. It was kinda weird, because that was the first time I've ever brought up a topic about dating an other guy. He told me the same thing about I should be open to that and he actually told me I should try to date him but just don't tell him all the details. Then I started thinking maybe I should give it a try to prove I can be "open" too, but I still wasn't sure because some times he does sound like a kid, a kid who wants to talk like a adult. Until 3 days ago, he told me he wanted to guess what kind of person I would want to be with in an relationship.

This is what he said:
Sam=18-year-old boy P=25-year-old Princesm

Sam: You like to be treated gentlemanly, you like to be paid for, but you like to retain some independance.. You like to be talked to sweetly as opposed to harshly. You like to be held
P: okay, tell me more
Sam: Lol.. You like to be cared for but you also are subservient. You like to cook for a man and you like to be appreciated for your talents.
P: I also like to stand tiptoe and kiss a man who is teller then me
P: okay, i will give you a chance
Sam: that's so cute.. That's one of my fave things about shorter guys!

So, we went on a date the following day

to be continued...

Love in the club?

There is 365 days in a year so if you divide it into weeks it would have around 51.4 weeks a year. If we go clubbing in all the Fridays and Saturdays, then, including new year and X'mas party, there are approximately 106 clubbing nights a year. People go to clubbing for different reasons, some go there just for fun, some for the music and dance, some for the drama, some for ONS, and, some of them actually look for love. but

Is there love in the club?

A lot of you guys must be laughing at me when you see I even raise this question. There is no love in the club seem to be such an universal truth that every body should have known and I should have known it earlier, way earlier. The main reason I used to believed in it is because of W. I met W in a club in Hong Kong when I was 22 and before that, I didn't believe in love in the club as well. Therefore I was being so skeptical about him, but it turned out he is one of the most decent homosexual human being I have ever met in my life (except the part of how he deals with relationship). Meeting him changed my view of meeting people in the club and that also made me felt like I can see something that other people do not see. You know, it actually feels pretty good to think you have an insight others don't have. But today, after going through so many disappointments, although I don't want to, I have to say that I lost my faith in founding love club anymore. Of course there are exceptions, see how I met W, but the probability of that seems to share the same rate of getting winning a lottery ticket. So, instead of sitting and waiting to win the lottery, why don't we do something constructive? I am not shame of being used to believe such thing as well, this is what youth about? having faith in something silly, even ridiculous sometimes. Therefore, I would suggest you should keep believing in whatever you are believing, time, not me or any books, will tell you what is right in your life. life just would be more fun that way.

happy birthday to me!

Today is my 25 year old birthday!!

This is the first photo result if you type in "Birthday" in google image

In the past week I have successfully ignored the fact that my 25 year old b-day is coming. I'm actually surprised I would be so unexcited by my birthday since I used to be very excited about my own birthday. Although that strategy is a bit silly but it did help me to enjoy my last bit of 24 instead of having the 25 years old OLD panic. However, the consequence of the stupid strategy is I am not able to get any one to have supper with my tonight since it is so last minutes. Well, its true that its abit lonely for me but my friends are going to make it up for me this week, so its better.

Although I didn't get any one to celebrate with me today but I did get quite a lot of greeting calls from my friends including my ex W. He called me on skype and said his happy b-day then we played TV games together for a while. While we were on skype T called and he wanted to talk about tomorrow's made up b-day lunch. When I picked up the phone I kinda used a cutesy tone to talk to him. After I hang up the phone W immediately went, "WHO WAS THAT? WHY DID YOU TALK TO HIM WITH THE CUTESY TONE????", he was totally over acting. I thought he was being silly so I just changed the topic. However, after few minutes of chat he asked he same question again and I was a bit piss at that moment, "THATS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS" I yelled in my mind. The relationship T and I is nothing more then just pure friendship but since I really dont care what he think about me anymore so I didn't bother to explain to him. I decided to just let him to be annoyed.

anyway!!! back to my b-day, as my wish I made in the new year day, my wish is to be a stronger, emotionally and physically and world peace!! (its not lame!!! okay!?!?)

what should i do (part 3)

"Life is so Confusing!!"

12th Dec, Saturday, cold

I went clubbing with my newly met friends Br and Se that night. It was supposed to be a very fun night since we had so much fun last time we hanged out together. However, the night turned out to be a total mess.

When we were on the line outside the club I noticed a familiar face stood right behind me, it was "confusing Jo". Confusing Jo is a high school music teacher in his late twenties. We dated in the beginning of this year and, as his name I gave him, he is a very confusing guy who is very good at sending confusing signals. He would try very hard to let you know he like you more then just a friend but less than a boyfriend. After few weeks of meaningless dating I finally realized we were not going to anywhere so I ended it with an sms. Anyway, that night, I said hi to him but it was just totally out of politeness, i didn't even want to say a single word to him.

When we got into the club, Br immediately spotted his "kinda of" ex-boyfriend and started talking to him. Br obviously wanted to get back to him but me and Se both knew that Br was just treated as an-other-boy-in-the-club by his ex-boyfriend. Few minutes later Br was gone, who knows what happened. Se and me stayed in the club and Se suddenly asked me if i mind if he hit on confusing Jo. Of course I don't mind and even i did i know it was not my business anyway. So I was left alone. Then, I saw AM. He looked at me in the exact same way as how he did last week. Since I was just by myself so I finally decided to talk to him. However, when I actually tried to approach him he walked away. I was a bit dismayed since those kind of courage can only burst once. Therefore, I did something stupid and I deeply regarded doing it. I asked his white friends, the one he always hang out with, for his name.

"Hey, what's your friend's name?" I went

"which one" he replied

"The one with the navy blue shirt" i said to him

"why dont you ask him yourself" he said it in a annoying tone

what the hell????? did I do something wrong?????

Then AM came back to the dance floor and he didn't do anything. It's impossible that this white dude didn't tell AM I've just asked his name. so....Is he interested or is he interested not? I was so confused. In order to end this awkward situation I knew I had to talk to AM by myself. So, I asked. I am not sure if its because the music is so loud or i was too drunk. I can't hear what he said at all and they looked like they were about to leave. The only thing I heard is "stay here, i will be right back". I didn't stay in the same spot, but i was looking there, he didn't come back.

I was left even more confused.



what? what about Se and confusing Jo? oh oh oh.........did I mention that guy's name is confusing Jo?

what should I do (part 2)

5th Dec 2009, Saturday, Cold

I went to the same club alone again. I guess its was still a little bit early when I got there, there wasn't many people in the club at the time. I was drinking and dancing, then this red Hollister shirt guy (RHG) approached me. he looked quite cute in the club and It didn't take more then the one song for us to went from just staring each other to start dancing together. Four songs later we started kissing. Everything went fine until I saw AM and his friend again. At the moment, AM was looking at me, right into my eyes. Suddenly, this huge guiltiness just exploded in my head and I can't explain why. When AM looked at me, he looked at me as if i did something wrong. I tried to look at AM few times while I was dancing with RHG and every time I did I got the same look in return then I would look at the floor. I have to admit that I was so annoyed but intrigued by the whole situation and I would love to know what's in AM's mind. However, I had my RHG at the time and I can't just simply push him away since I kind of picked him too when he approached me. Therefore that night, AM and I still hadn't talked. Around 1 am, RHG asked me if i want to go to his place, the signal is obvious, and I agreed.

I was nervous indeed, not only because I've never done one-night-stand before but also because of I do not have a lot sex experience (yes, sadly). I always told myself ONS is not something wrong/ugly/dirty and it just a way that people use to fulfill their sexual need as long as they are consensual and they think they can handle the emotion fluctuation after doing it. Therefore, I thought that might be the time I should experience it.

"hey, I just want to let you know I might not be able to do that because I didn't have a lot of experience" I didn't say that to pretend to be innocent, I said that as I meant it because the last time I tried to have anal sex I had to tell that guy to pull it out after he just put his glans penis in. That's how untrained my body is.

"it's okay" he said it and looked at me, "we don't have to do it if you don't want to"

"no, i want to, it jsut.... i dont know if i could take it"

Then I went to his place and started making out on his bed. We jerked each other off for awhile then he asked me if he could top me while his put his erected penis against my butt.

However, he didn't, he just didn't. I asked him why but he didn't answer. I am not sure if it was because I hesitated when I answered his question. He just kept jerking me and he seemed like he just want the whole thing to finish. However, the thing is, I can't cum when I feel pressure (because i feel like he just want my to cum and finish the act). Therefore I stopped him and asked him if he need to work the next day. He said yes and I suggested that I might just go home. He agreed and walk me home. I do think that's quite nice of him to walk me home.

I actually think that is the best possible way of how this ONS story should end since I did try to have it (ONS) and I realized ONS is not for me and I realize it before i actually got fucked by someone I don't know so well.

but, i still don't understand why didn't he do it.........hmmmm.........any thoughts?

Love her speech

what should I do (part1)

Lets go clubbing!!! arr.....not this kind

yea, what should I do?

Do you guys still remember I was writing about this annoying dude 3 weeks ago? Actually there were more happened that night...

I actually saw this two guys that the club as well that night. One of them is an Asian mix white and the other one is a white. that They look like they are in their thirties and both of them are quite masculine (I dont usually really like masculine guys but they do look quite nice) and the fact that they acted quite shy made they even cuter. I personally prefer the white one and I noticed both of them did looked at me occasionally that night especially that Asian mix (I'm going to call him AM in post). In fact, I drew quite a few attentions that night, I can't help to think if that was because I look different since I've been working out. I was kinda wait for AM to talk to me so I dance quite close to him, in fact, we were actually dance back to back. however, this annoying duge suddenly appeared and ruin the whole thing (if you want to know more about that incident, click here). When that duge tried to flirt with me and even wanted to kiss me, AM was just dancing right beside me. I had to literally push that duge away when he leaned towards me and tried to kiss me (an other strong reason for me to push him away is to prove to AM and his friend i am not a slut, lol). AM were witnessing the whole thing. That was pretty dramatic indeed. Me and AM ended didn't talking to each other that night and I was a bit disappointed...

I thought the story would end there, but its not, i saw him in the club 2 weeks later, which I am going to talk about it in the next post, stay tuned...

quite like this song recently

Aunt visiting / Friend haunting in Craigslist

I have been extremely busy last week. One of the major reasons is my aunt was visiting me all the way form Hong Kong for 9 days and that means i had to take care of her in that 9 days. Please don't got me wrong, i am more then happy to take care of her since we are actually quite close, the thing is she came in the wrong time, when i have a presentation and essay due that week and an other typographic project (so now you could tell how busy i was). I was actually a little bit nervous becasue i have never had my relative stay in my place for that long and i really don't know if i would handle it especially she we have stay in the same room all the time. Fortunately, it turned out to be very pleasant a visit and she was being super understand. I originally thought 9 days was a bit long but now i really do miss her and wish she could have stayed a tiny bit longer. :(

anyway, Can you guys remember how many times I have complained that I have no friends???? seriously, i really can't remember, i just know i had complained lots.

well, after all the complaining, I've finally done something! (yay!)

I posted an ad on Craigslist saying i want to have friends (how simple!)

surprisingly i did get quite a lot of feedback and of cuz, that includes perverts replies too even i stated clearly in my ad that "if you think you might be one of those perverts then please don't reply" but you know, that kind of that do happen. LOL. After scanning all the replies i found one of them might be worth to reply to. oh, by the way, i got this straight guy's reply, saying that he wants to make friends with me. But, Honestly, i really do not think a straight guy would want to be friend with a gay gay so willingly, it really makes me think he is whether a questioning or a serial gay killer, do you guys think that sounds abnormal too? should I or shouldn't I reply him? anyway! i replied that "worth to reply to guy". After years of putting efforts on making local fiends in a western country. I do believe race is a factor when people pick their friends. However, I think that is no one's fault and thats just the way it is, especially Asian do that all the time too. Therefore when i replied him by email i attached my photos with it so that I could save me some time if he is a white gay sucker who is only looking for white gay friends. However, I got his email this evening and the context is actually quite genuine and it does make me believe he want to make friends with me and he even told me my photos are nice (of coz, i am a cute guy!!!). I just replied him before this blog entry, guys, WISH ME LUCK PLEASE!!!!!!

by the way, I successfully claimed 550 bucks from the dental insurance, yay!!

Arrrr........a weird sex dream..........

It's been awhile since last time I had a sex dream (by the way, i have never had a wet dream). Anyway, although this is obviously not the first time I have a sex dream, this time is a bit different then those ones i had before. Those sex dreams i used to have are mostly about me and my boyfriends or some faceless man. However, this time, was with one of my friend, a guy who is 5 years younger then me. I met this guy a year ago in school when I still had my computer monitor job. He often come to the computer lab and talk to me about some computer/computer game problem. He is absolutely great to hang out with and once he starts talking nothing can shut him up (sometimes it gets quite annoying). I have a feeling that he really likes me as a friend but the thing is I really don't not know deal with guys, especially younger guys. He tried to invite me to his house parties several times but I turned him down with no reasons (i dont know why). I am quite attracted to him because of his big personality, which is something I don't have and I desperately need. However, a younger dude like that is just not in my consideration at all, oh, did i mentioned that he is straight?

ANYWAY

yes, I had a sex dream about me and him. The dream was rather weird (how often do we experience "real" dreams in our life? I wonder), I appeared in this 60's looking, heavily industrialized area then i see this huge red industrialize colossus (please don't ask me whats a industrialized colossus like, i really can not describe) and I knew I have to destroy it (yea, this dream is heavily inspired by the video game "Shadow of the Colossus"). anyway, then i started to infiltrate into this colossus and suddenly I found this red shower room inside that colossus (how sexy). Then i saw him and we started making out. The sex was not clear what so ever (I am glad) and it ended pretty fast, the most weird thing about this dream is after we had sex he cut off his penis. It was rather big I have to say (LOL), I was so shocked I asked him what was he doing and he just told me it was fine and it would grow back (like a earth worm), I was scared indeed then I woke up.

colossus in the video "Shadow and colossus"

What's wrong with me? Do I actually have a crush on him that i don't even realize?? Whatever, I wish my next sex dream would be about me and some cute celebrities I like, like Ewan McGregor, Andy Samberg, Gerard Butler, Colin Firth...etc