What am I expecting

I really don't know whats wrong with me.

I have been feeling very depressed for days and today is the worst.

W called me today, after haven't communicated for a week. I wanted to pretend i am actually not that happy but I can't. However, something happened in our conversion and it made my whole day stayed miserable. Recently he found this interesting book named "riddley walker" by Russell Hoban and he was sharing me the story line. Since the story line is really interesting and I found a lot of similarity between some mangas that I have read therefore I started talking when he was still explaining the story too. I guess he was annoyed by my interruption and he finally said, "Why are you over talking me?" it was quite sudden and i didn't know how to respond. then i go "i am sorry I was just excited" I really dont understand why would he say that. I know thats annoying to get interrupted but there are million better ways to tell me to shut up, he could just say "hey, can i finish my sentence?" but "Why are you over talking me?"??? Excuse me? do you think i did that because i think it is fun to do?? anyway i was pissed but i didn't tell him, but i guess he kinna know that he told he get angry easily due to the weather. WHAT A SHITTY REASON. Anyway, after we finished the conversion i when to do some shipping alone and i really can't help thinking what happened in the morning. The more I thought about that the more i got pissed. Eventually I wanted to email him how pissed i was. Actually it is very usual for me to do that. When i got annoyed, i would kinna let it go at that time and pretend nothing happened(cuz i dont know how to react). but then i would spend hours to think about it and the more i think about it the more negative I would get. I am sure i get this from my mum because my mum is exactly like this. anyway, i was so pissed i was about to send this "clarification" emails to him. However, since this is not the first time he does it and everytime i did at i feel bad after. Therefore i decided to call one of my best friend A.

A is a very rational girl who gives the best comment in the world. Instead of giving emotional support, like "Waht a jerk!" "I feel so sorry for you" blah blah blah, she tends to analyze the situation and tell me what she think as a thrid person, her comments have always been very neutral. anyway, this is our conversion on skype:

A: 19:06:40

hmm, maybe it's the attitude he had and the way he framed it, cos actually i would apologize to the other person if i interrupted unintentionally

P: 19:07:03

i did apologize

A: 19:07:06

i guess he could've said it in a better way

P: 19:07:28

but i also feel bad when he said that

A: 19:07:51

i realize that he really knows how to push your buttons...i don't think he does it intentionally, but a lot of the things he says can really upset you

but some ppl are like that

P: 19:08:30

should i tell him i am upset?

A: 19:08:32

they tend to draw the more negative sides of us out

P: 19:08:52

you know , sometimes i even thing he think he can be rude to me because i like him

A: 19:09:04

well...i dunno...i'm not him, so i dunno if he'll get annoyed by all these "clarification" emails

P: 19:09:35

sigh................i know

but i still think what he said is rude

i have decided i will tell him next time i tlak to him

A: 19:13:00

actually, if i were you, i'll just let it go...

let me explain

it seems like you won't think he's suitable for you as a BF anyway, so he's more like a fren

and yet as friends, you guys dont' seem to be getting along that well either

cos rarely do frens always run into situations where there's misunderstanding, miscommunication etc. that requires a lot of clarification

i mean, once in a while there may be conflicts, but you guys have those tensions a lot

so depending on what you expect from him and your friendship with him, if you don't hold high hopes, then i would just let it go

P: 19:16:01

maybe i dont now what to expect from him

A: 19:17:56

i think you'll have to evaluate if this friendship is doing you more harm than good...is it making you happier or is it bringing you more problems and misery? and if you realize that you're always upset by him, then maybe you wanna readjust your distance with him...

i know it's hard cos you still have a bit of feelings for him; there's so much history and you guys do share some common grounds

but usually it's not all-or-none, you're probably never gonna hate him, and yet you gotta draw clearer boundaries

I totally agree on what A said, therefore, I ended up didn't send that Email I have drafted thousand times in my head. I am so glad I talk to A before I took the action. I really how bad i would feel this time if i did send....

anyway, its time to sleep...

All about moving.

Don't worry, I am not moving this site, I meant I actually moved, physically.

The main reason I had to move is i didn't really get along with my previous roommate. Not only because they are couples and i feel like there are two people against me, but also their filthy life style, shity attitude, irresponsible personality. How filthy they are? one actually asked me if its because the "sex" sound that they made. But the answer is NOT, not at all if it compares what i had experienced in that place. I remember one time i found actual HUMAN shit in the bath tub that's all i can tell you. DONT ASK FOR MORE DETAIL!!! How irresponsible they are? I actually found out they constantly write bouncy check to the rent office and Internet supplier. Interesting enough, I still wasn't planning to move out until that thing happened when W came to visit me one month ago cuz moving is such a hassle, from telling them i had to move, looking for new places to actually moving into the new place. I was so stressed i can't even eat properly and my weight drooped rapidly(thats the only thing I feel less sad). Anyway, the moment that really triggers me to leave is a battery, yes a battery. When W came to visit me we planned to go to a Small trip to meet up his friend in US. Few days. A week before we left I found that the fire alarm battery was low and it made weird nose. My roommate promised he would change the battery but he didn't. You know although you never really "use" the fire alarm but we kinna need a working one, especially when i am not home. Therefore I brought a new battery for the fire alarm before we went to the trip and i leave the receipt and a note asking them for half of the battery cost which is not expensive at all. However, i got a nasty sms on the way of my trip about why would I asked them for money. The interesting thing is in the sms he is not only making excuse of how he should not pay for it but also accusing me for asking it. To be honest I am the kind who is very easy got bother by this kind of thing, and i could get very nervous. the worst part of these is i can't talk to him face to face. That sms is like a long-distance slap from him. Right there, that is the time that I decided to move.

Bonce story: GAY RAPE ALARM

When W heard that I wanted to move he was really happy not only because he think my roommates are nothing but jerks but also he provoked one of the creepy guy in my previous apartment building. Yes, In my previous apartment building there is this creepy guy who always acts very wired when he sees me. The first time we "met" was on the bus, when we saw me he just kept staring at me which was supper awkward. Ever since we "met" when he sees me (mostly in the elevator) he would keeps staring at me and dose strange things like whistling and small dance, yes, small dance in elevator! One time that really creeps me out is he followed me for quite long distance. However, because I think the area where i live is quite crowed so I never thought it would be very dangerous. However, When W came, the first day, he met his creepy guy at the lobby of my building, i still dont know if its a mistake to tell him about the creey guy. anyway, i told him, and W was really angry after i told him and he looked at him angrily when he pass us. To be honest I did feel happy because he kinna protected me. However, what about after he leave? When W leave he can't protect me like this time and now W had provked him...soon he realized that was a impetuous move and he told me i had to move out this area and even if i should get a rape alarm....and i was like, "rape......wait!?......rape alarm??? for me??? what??" and he was like "yea, you should carry it and if he try anything stupid you have ring your alarm!!" I have never heard stupid idea like that before for a long time but at least i know he cares. anyway thats why he is happy when he know I am moving.

My first post

First of all, I have to tell you guys I am a total blog failure and this blog should be my 4th Blog I have ever created in my life. It was four years ago when I started “trying” to write a blog, it wasn’t easy at all and that blog lasted for 3 days. The second attempt of starting a blog was when I had my first “official” boyfriend 3 years ago. I tried so hard to keep it up to record every single romantic moment of my first relationship and I tried to have one entry per day. Eventually, the blog lasted for a week. The third attempt was also three year ago when I planned to go to Japan alone. The intention of that blog was to record everything (includes all of the research, planning, cost…etc) of my first travel adventure. That one was quite embarrassing for me, cause I only had two posts in the entire blog. Now every time when I think about it I feel nothing but disappointed in myself, because that blog could have been so interesting and helpful for people who want to travel alone for the first time. Anyway, I really hope this blog could last since I spent some time on the banner design. This blog will be about everything happening in my daily life, It might be not as exciting as a ugly lady can sing a classic song, but I still hope you guys would enjoy reading it.