Why am i being stupid again

I saw W online on facebook today but he wasn't on skype. I said hi to him and asked if he received my email, he said yes and then he asked me if I can delete my message on twitter. The day when he made fun my hair I actually wrote a twitter message saying "some fucking jerk just make fun of my hair, I don't do my hair for you, so you better fuck off and die" I didn't expect he would see it but he happened to see it. When he asked me to delete my message I was confused I didn't understand why do I have to do that, because those messages are like my personal emotion record, and why can't I express my anger on my own page? But at the end I still deleted it, reluctantly, and my respond is "ok, thanks". Then I told him I really dont understand why but he didn't reply and went off line.

After a cup of soothing tea I wrote this email to him

Hi W,

after talking to you on facebook I was very frustrated and upset. Then I drunk some tea and think about the whole thing. I do agree that deleting the rude message is a right thing to do and I also agree that the word I used was overly strong and you would never say the same thing to me even you are anger with me. When you tell me to deleted the message I thought you wanted me to deny the upset feeling I had when you made fun of me, but now I realize it wasn't like that. This incident makes me think that may be I am not that ready to be a friend with you yet, I still care too much of what you say to me and I think it would course more misunderstandings. good luck on everything and we will talk when we meant to talk again

take care

P

XxXxXx

when we began the conversations, I was actually hoping he would ask about the cold I just got...

Why am I being stupid.

this is one of the pictures of me I look after my hair cut and hair dye

I went to have a hair cut last week and I dyed my hair the following day, into a much lighter brown. Thanks for my light skin tone, it doesn't look that awkward on me. After all the transformation my hair had I felt like I should have a new hair style. Therefore the following day I put jel on my hair and made it in Faux Hawk style. I told W that and he immediately asked me to show him my hair on web cam. However, once he saw my hair he sent me this guy's picture, yes, It's Gok Wan (this is the picture he sent me). I didn't know who the hell he was until W explained me. In my opinion, I think he is a very ugly guy and I thought that was a horrible joke to make to a guy who just tried to have a new hair style.

I have to say I have very low self-esteem and It took lots of my courage to try a new hairstyle. I felt like shit when he told me I looked like him. He told me it was just a joke later on but it obviously didn't make me feel any better. I was extremely pissed and I told him I had to hang up on skype with a random reason. I can't get over the all I look like gok wan thing so I sent the following message to him on facebook the that night.

"You are the one who asked me to show my hair to you on cam, but you immediately make fun of me when you see it. I don't understand why you think its funny. It actually hurts"

Then he replied, " sorry - didn't mean to hurt you - i was just being dumb. I really like your hair like that anyway"

I talked to Ri the other day. She said something that I would have said to myself. She told me I shouldn't have acted that uptight and just laughed about it. I can't help to feel like I was being a defensive drama queen... I know it was not very cool but I just can't control it.I was bothered by that for days and eventually I sent him an email yesterday telling him that I am sorry too, for being overacting...

I don't know what I am doing.....I don't know why I still give a shit.....and it's painful

God, could you help me? could you help me to stop loving him?

What happened between me and P after all the drama, Something between me and W

We didn't work out.

He came to Toronto to visit me 2 week after I left montreal. We talked every day online before he came. Everything was fine when he was here, we didn't even have any argument, but we just felt distanced which we both couldn't figure out why. a week later he told me he kissed someone in the club and we should be friend. I was not surprised, yet I was very disappointed and upset, especially after all the dramas. When he told me he likes me in Montreal, I really thought he is the one.

I talked to W about that incident later on. Usually we wouldn't talk about things like that, but I really needed some consolation at that time. Since we opened the "dating topic", we talked about more about our dating life. He told me he had dated twice after we broke up last year and he also confessed to me that he has an other facebook account that he use to talk to other people, especially his gay friends. I was mad, but I can't found a reason to blame him. He told me the reason he didn't want me to know that account is because he doesn't want me to be mad. I don't know if that explanation make sense at all, but I didn't say anything. Then he added me on that account and all I saw on this wall were messages that left by this japanese guy who he used to date long time ago. And In fact, this japanese guy just went to visit him few weeks ago, I was jealous, but, what I could do?

A very long story in Montreal - Day 5, 6 and 7

I was talking to my friend K, which is one of my very good friends who would read my blog regularly, the other night. I realized I missed some of the informations in my previous posts. First, M is a Hong Konger, Asian and P is a French Canadian, white. I guess it makes more sense why M is so jealous of me since we are both asian.

Day 5, 21th, Sunday

We went out together to shop for some ingredients I needed to make that day's supper. We all pretended nothing had happened, especially me and P, we didn't even talk when P's around. We (P and M and B and one of M's friend and me) played card games again after supper and P was kicking me under the table the whole time. P actually needed to write an exam the next day, but he insisted to stay playing cards with us and I knew he was doing that for me, I did feel a bit guilty but I didn't want him to go back to his room either. We played until we can't even move, It was a really nice night.

Day 6, 22th, Monday

I woke up without M sleeping next to me. I saw P in his room preparing his paper then I asked him where was everyone Me and P had a small chat before he when for the exam and he told me he would definitely fail the exam but it's okay. Since I knew P actually doesn't like M that much, it's actually really hard for me to understand why M would just sleep in P's room. Therefore I asked M why would he do that (sleeping in your roommate's room) carefully that night. Then M told me proudly that he do it all the time and trying to tell my how close they are again. I felt very bad for him because of that. M is so obsessed with P and he doesn't P doesn't like him at all.

Day 7, 23th, Monday

This was the day I need to go back. I am sure M was waiting for that day so badly. In the other hand, it was a sad day for me and P, especially we can have a a proper goodbye since M is around.

he texted me "I miss you already" as soon as I get on the bus...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 4

Continuing...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Day 4, 20th, Saturday

I felt so tired when I woke up. It felt like I didn't sleep at all. When M saw me woke up he gave me this a calm smile and a hug, but I knew it wasn't all sincere, he was just trying to be calm. However, to me, I really didn't care if his smile is real or not, I just wanted to get things over with and at least he was trying. However, I still didn't feel very comfortable around the house since I thought both P and M hated me, so I went out. I kept wandering around the downtown montreal for hours and by the time I went back to their place was around 5 p.m.. When I get back to that place I saw P was getting really to go out. Then M told me that P needed to work that night so we would just go clubbing with him and B. I wasn't that surprised that P decided to go to work rather then hang out with us since what had happened, but I was really surprised that we were still going to clubbing at all that night.

So, I came up a plan

A plan that I thought it would weaken the impact of that had happen. I decided to act like a whore in the club and kiss whoever so M would think I am a slut and the kiss that I had with P was just a causal kiss that doesn't mean anything to us. Since I thought they hate me anyway, I really don't think I will ever see them again, therefore I really had nothing to lose, and moreover.....I got to be a slut too.

We sent to B's place for the pre drink before going to the club. It was very obvious that M was still upset because he was really trying to get himself drunk. When we got to the club I immediately tried to spot a guy to make out with. However, I wasn't the only one who was playing the slut, M did the same too. I ended up making out with two different guys and M just kept kissing whoever he saw. By the end of the night he was so drunk that he couldn't even stand up and walk. I needed to hold him to walk when we left the club. P told M that he would take us home after he finish work so we decided to just wait for P at B's place since he lives close by the village. M wasn't conscious at all by the time we arrived to B's place. Then B told me something which is rather shocking, for me.

He told me P actually really likes me and wants to talk to me. I was astonished because for all those times I thought he hated me he actually liked me. Then B told me his plan, yea, another plan for the night, which is letting P takes me home while M is sleeping in B's sofa. Even though it sounded like a terrible idea, I didn't have a better plan on this situation, so I decided to just do whatever his plan was. Moreover, I really can't resisted the idea to finally get to talk to P privately especially since B told me P actually likes me I can finally open my mind to allow myself to release my affection for P.

P arrived 20 minutes later than I got in his car. It felt really weird because we didn't even had a proper conversation before that and now he is taking me home for a chat. I was scared and excited, I'm sure he was too. However, the nightmare came true, when we were still on the the car, M called. I rejected the call and he called again and again. Eventually we decided to turn off our phones, it was scary. We start chatting after we got to his place. The first thing I told him was the reason why I was being a slut in the club, because B told me that P's friend saw me in the club so P knew everything that happened in the club that night. P told me it was fine after my explanation and we carried on chatting. That chat was nice until we hear the taxi out side the building. We knowing it was M. When M got home he was yelling and pounding the floor, I was super scared. Then M took a shower and sat beside us. First he blamed us to leave him in b's place then kept saying sorry to P for being an idiot and ignored me. After about 10 minutes of silence he said his sorry to me too, for being drunk and stupid. So we three sat there for a very long time with silence. Me and P kinda hope that M would just go to sleep so we would chat a bit more but he just wouldn't move. So I called it a night and when back to M's room to sleep.

I was sleeping like baby again just like the day before except this time I didn't feel as bad.

(to be continue)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 3 (part 2)

Continuing...

A very long story in Montreal - Day 1, 2 & 3

Day 3, 19th, Friday (part 2)

So I found myself kissing with P in the club. To be very honest, I really can't recall how that happened and who started it. However, I did know what we were doing might piss M off since they are roommates. I was going to suggest that we should go somewhere more conceal to carry on what we were doing. Unfortunately, when we got back to the M and B, I immediately noticed there was something wrong, so as P. M didn't say a word and with a very pissed look. At that moment I knew M saw us already and I finally realized he likes P. Then I turned my head and looked at P, He looked pissed too. I felt terrible and guilty, especially I didn't know how the kissing started and who showed the first affection first. I kissed him first or he did? Since I saw P looked pissed as well so I just assumed that I was the one who started it, because his look showed me it might not be what he wanted. In order to escape the awkwardness, we got out of the club and started heading home. On the way, M was acting super weird. Sometimes he told me it was totally fine but sometimes he told me he is really sad. He told me "You've done something I wanted to do for a very long time." He also kept on asking me why I would kiss him with this "pretending everything it's cool tone", however, It didn't work, I totally found anger from his voice and I knew he did that just to want me to feel bad, and in that regard, he succeeded. I said my sorry and in fact, I was sorry too, I knew he wanted to be the one who was kissing P, but I just can't change the the past, I just hope he would stop stabbing me with his questions.

When we got back to their place, no one said a word. While M was taking a shower I went to have a short talk with P. I told P to put all the blames on me. I told him that I am just coming for few days and he still needs to stay with M for a long period of time. Therefore the best way to get over this is just put all the blames on me. In that moment I didn't really care about the friendship between me and M anymore I just want to get it over with. I just didn't want to see their "roommateship" get ruined by me, especially a good "roommateship" is something that I always wanted but never had, just like how I thought in Day 2. P told me its okay then I went back to M's room to sleep. P later told me that after M took his shower he went to talk to P for awhile as well. P also told me that that night M asked him if he kissed me because I am cuter then M. M asked P which of us (M and me) is cuter as well. When I heard that , I was like "OMG...M is really jealous". I think the question itself is very dumb, why would you want to ask a person, who is not interested in you already, if he thinks you are cute. What are you expecting him to answer? look, if he think you are cuter then you will be the one who is kissing him in the club, not me. Moreover, me and M, regarding the out look, I don't even think we have competition at all.

As soon as I jumped on the bad that night, I slept like baby, but a baby who is having a serious nightmare.

(to be continue)

A very long story in Montreal - Day 4