House party

I went to a house party with Jo yesterday. Jo is a 24 white guy who apparently really likes me but he is a mental adolescent. We've been through lots of stupid dramas already. He begged me to give him a chance few weeks ago and eventually I've decided to give it a shot and was going to tell him that last night. But did I tell him? no. Why? Please keep reading.

He called me yesterday telling me he cancelled the plan to go to out of town and asked me if I want to hang out with him in his friend's house party. I said yes and I thought that would be a good chance to tell him we should date. So we went. The house party was just soso therefore we decided to go to a 90's rock club/disco (I have no idea what that kind of places called actually). We danced in the club and I was sitting down on the chair for the most of the time since I was actually exhausted because I work out for 2 hours in that afternoon. We're all drunk, then Jo started to dance with this Asian gay guy. I didn't really give a fuck about that actually. However when I started dancing again jo immediately switched to dance with me and wanted to kiss me. I stopped him and tell him if he wants to date we should not kiss at all, which make sense right?. Half an hour later I felt like I can't take it any more I really needed to sleep so I hug everyone goodbye and left. When I told Jo that I was going to leave, he said, "if you are going now then we are done" WTF? What is that mean? we are done? what is done? Why my exhaustion is related to something getting done? Do I give a fuck about whatever got done? no, so I left

The next day, which is today, he came by to pick up the bag that he left in my place before we went to the house party yesterday. He looked pissed. I didn't really understand that because it doesn't seem he should be the one to be upset, the one who is upset should be me right? I was threatened when I wanted to leave and he wasn't try to understand that I am human too and I could be tired. I asked him why he look pissed and he told me it is because I was acting grumpy last night. He thought I was mad about him dancing with that Asian gay guy, but sadly, the truth is I actually didn't give a fuck. I was just TIRED! damn it! For him, the only one reason why I wanted left must be because of him, what a self-centered guy. The interesting thing is, if he think dancing with an other guy is not appropriate to do in front of me, why would he do it? "I was going to tell you we should date, but you ruin it last night", I was going to say that to him, but I swallowed it down when I about to. I didn't want him feel worse then he already was.

a single man

I finally found my comfort back recently after that stupid incident happened two weeks ago. I am sorry I still don't feel very comfortable to tell what had happened. The only thing i could say is I felt extremely guilty after the incident. I felt like I had done something evil. I literally couldn't eat last week and I lost so much weight. I looked pale and weak. Everybody was telling me I should be the one to be blame but i just can't help blaming myself.

I always thought I could play the bad boy, but I guess with my paranoia of guilt, I could hardly be one.

Therefore, I have been devoting myself to my portfolio development in order to distract myself. The progress has been going smoothly and my portfolio should be finished fairly soon.

I finally got a copy of a single man from the library, I am so thrilled to read it since it adored the movie.

I have nothing to say so i just post my photo

I am not feeling okay lately (emotionally) so I dont have much to say here. Anyway, here my photo

What I am doing today and what happened to me recently

It's 19 degrees here and the weather is absolutely beautiful. I am sitting in a Starbucks and drinking a decaf latte with my Abercrombie T-shirt but this is actually not part of my plan. My original plan was going to my college to work for a while then go to the a book binding workshop that held there later today. However, I didn't know that my school is not opened until the workshop start (because of good Friday), so I walked to the nearest Starbucks and plan to sit until the workshop started.

Lets talk about my recently life since I have plenty of time in this Starbucks. Do you guys still remember the good looking chubby white guy I've mention in my earlier post? We eventually became very good friends since we share VERY similar taste in music and movie, so we hang out very often. I always know that he kinda like me but I did make it clear that I just want to be friend with him. However, last week, After we went to a club together we kinda had sex, we didn't fuck, mostly just hj. We were extremely drunk so I thought I could get away from it. Nevertheless, Few days ago, he brought it up and asked me what was it. I told him it was a mistake and I still want to be friend with him. He asked me if I like him. To be honest, I do, he has a cute and sincere personality. However, I failed to explain to him how relationship is much more then just the feeling. I just don't see we can be each other. I think the biggest problem of him is he is not mature enough for me. I could totally be his boyfriend but I knew it won't last long, and once we break up we can't be friends anymore. Therefore I was insisted for us to just be friends. He told me he is hurt by what I said and told me he rather hear I am not interested in him at all. We didn't talk for days after the conversations until yesterday, he seemed more calm this time and seemed to be willing to be friend with me again...