I think I've mentioned that I am moving again,right?
I am actually going to move in two days! I totally do not feel like packing at all!!!!Its crazy!!!! (actually i dont feel like doing anything at all, you can tell from my update speed of this blog)
Its good that some of my stuffs still in a box since last time I moved so they are ready to go.
see the wine boxes? heehee
I had a pretty nice X'mas night this year, T and some other friends of mine came to visit at the X'mas night then we went to this Korean bar to drunk until we felt very sick (LOL). Then we kept playing sponge bob monopoly the rest of the night. We planed to go to have the boxing day shopping the next day but I was just too sick to stay at the mail. oh, by the way, the queue for just getting in Hollisters is massive(at least 40 ppl), I wonder how long the queue was for Abercrombie but I didn't want to check that out.
the next post is coming out soon, which is about some movies that i like, so stay tuned!
I went clubbing with my newly met friends Br and Se that night. It was supposed to be a very fun night since we had so much fun last time we hanged out together. However, the night turned out to be a total mess.
When we were on the line outside the club I noticed a familiar face stood right behind me, it was "confusing Jo". Confusing Jo is a high school music teacher in his late twenties. We dated in the beginning of this year and, as his name I gave him, he is a very confusing guy who is very good at sending confusing signals. He would try very hard to let you know he like you more then just a friend but less than a boyfriend. After few weeks of meaningless dating I finally realized we were not going to anywhere so I ended it with an sms. Anyway, that night, I said hi to him but it was just totally out of politeness, i didn't even want to say a single word to him.
When we got into the club, Br immediately spotted his "kinda of" ex-boyfriend and started talking to him. Br obviously wanted to get back to him but me and Se both knew that Br was just treated as an-other-boy-in-the-club by his ex-boyfriend. Few minutes later Br was gone, who knows what happened. Se and me stayed in the club and Se suddenly asked me if i mind if he hit on confusing Jo. Of course I don't mind and even i did i know it was not my business anyway. So I was left alone. Then, I saw AM. He looked at me in the exact same way as how he did last week. Since I was just by myself so I finally decided to talk to him. However, when I actually tried to approach him he walked away. I was a bit dismayed since those kind of courage can only burst once. Therefore, I did something stupid and I deeply regarded doing it. I asked his white friends, the one he always hang out with, for his name.
"Hey, what's your friend's name?" I went
"which one" he replied
"The one with the navy blue shirt" i said to him
"why dont you ask him yourself" he said it in a annoying tone
what the hell????? did I do something wrong?????
Then AM came back to the dance floor and he didn't do anything. It's impossible that this white dude didn't tell AM I've just asked his name. so....Is he interested or is he interested not? I was so confused. In order to end this awkward situation I knew I had to talk to AM by myself. So, I asked. I am not sure if its because the music is so loud or i was too drunk. I can't hear what he said at all and they looked like they were about to leave. The only thing I heard is "stay here, i will be right back". I didn't stay in the same spot, but i was looking there, he didn't come back.
I was left even more confused.
what? what about Se and confusing Jo? oh oh oh.........did I mention that guy's name is confusing Jo?
I went to the same club alone again. I guess its was still a little bit early when I got there, there wasn't many people in the club at the time. I was drinking and dancing, then this red Hollister shirt guy (RHG) approached me. he looked quite cute in the club and It didn't take more then the one song for us to went from just staring each other to start dancing together. Four songs later we started kissing. Everything went fine until I saw AM and his friend again. At the moment, AM was looking at me, right into my eyes. Suddenly, this huge guiltiness just exploded in my head and I can't explain why. When AM looked at me, he looked at me as if i did something wrong. I tried to look at AM few times while I was dancing with RHG and every time I did I got the same look in return then I would look at the floor. I have to admit that I was so annoyed but intrigued by the whole situation and I would love to know what's in AM's mind. However, I had my RHG at the time and I can't just simply push him away since I kind of picked him too when he approached me. Therefore that night, AM and I still hadn't talked. Around 1 am, RHG asked me if i want to go to his place, the signal is obvious, and I agreed.
I was nervous indeed, not only because I've never done one-night-stand before but also because of I do not have a lot sex experience (yes, sadly). I always told myself ONS is not something wrong/ugly/dirty and it just a way that people use to fulfill their sexual need as long as they are consensual and they think they can handle the emotion fluctuation after doing it. Therefore, I thought that might be the time I should experience it.
"hey, I just want to let you know I might not be able to do that because I didn't have a lot of experience" I didn't say that to pretend to be innocent, I said that as I meant it because the last time I tried to have anal sex I had to tell that guy to pull it out after he just put his glans penis in. That's how untrained my body is.
"it's okay" he said it and looked at me, "we don't have to do it if you don't want to"
"no, i want to, it jsut.... i dont know if i could take it"
Then I went to his place and started making out on his bed. We jerked each other off for awhile then he asked me if he could top me while his put his erected penis against my butt.
However, he didn't, he just didn't. I asked him why but he didn't answer. I am not sure if it was because I hesitated when I answered his question. He just kept jerking me and he seemed like he just want the whole thing to finish. However, the thing is, I can't cum when I feel pressure (because i feel like he just want my to cum and finish the act). Therefore I stopped him and asked him if he need to work the next day. He said yes and I suggested that I might just go home. He agreed and walk me home. I do think that's quite nice of him to walk me home.
I actually think that is the best possible way of how this ONS story should end since I did try to have it (ONS) and I realized ONS is not for me and I realize it before i actually got fucked by someone I don't know so well.
but, i still don't understand why didn't he do it.........hmmmm.........any thoughts?
Do you guys still remember I was writing about this annoying dude 3 weeks ago? Actually there were more happened that night...
I actually saw this two guys that the club as well that night. One of them is an Asian mix white and the other one is a white. that They look like they are in their thirties and both of them are quite masculine (I dont usually really like masculine guys but they do look quite nice) and the fact that they acted quite shy made they even cuter. I personally prefer the white one and I noticed both of them did looked at me occasionally that night especially that Asian mix (I'm going to call him AM in post). In fact, I drew quite a few attentions that night, I can't help to think if that was because I look different since I've been working out. I was kinda wait for AM to talk to me so I dance quite close to him, in fact, we were actually dance back to back. however, this annoying duge suddenly appeared and ruin the whole thing (if you want to know more about that incident, click here). When that duge tried to flirt with me and even wanted to kiss me, AM was just dancing right beside me. I had to literally push that duge away when he leaned towards me and tried to kiss me (an other strong reason for me to push him away is to prove to AM and his friend i am not a slut, lol). AM were witnessing the whole thing. That was pretty dramatic indeed. Me and AM ended didn't talking to each other that night and I was a bit disappointed...
I thought the story would end there, but its not, i saw him in the club 2 weeks later, which I am going to talk about it in the next post, stay tuned...
I know its been a long time since my last update, it is because I had my final exams and I was very stressed in the past 2 weeks. But now all the exams are done and i can finally update my blog again!! hooray!!!!
I was so stressed about the exam last week because if i fail that course it means i will have to take an extra semester to finish my degree and that would be very stupid since that course is actually has nothing relate to my major. That class is kinda like a history class of fashion. One of the reason for choosing that class is because i thought the reading would be easier to read ( I always have trouble reading academic article, but the fact is, that class readings are so ridiculously difficult and dull and heavily loaded. There are about 20 readings in total that we have to read through out the whole class but I only read four of them and i was still playing MW2 the day before exam cuz i know i will not be able to read the rest of the reading in one night anyway, but i was still nervous. I was kinda prepared to just bull shit the entire essay question part. HOWEVER, when i saw the essay questions i almost laughed, because that two essay questions are about the readings that i have actually read, I even did a presentation on on of them. I was lucky, very lucky. Now I don't need to suffer from doubting if i could pass the course now!!yay!!!
Well, for those who have already known about this myspace service please feel free to laugh at my outdated discovery. The thing is I've known they have such function for a long time but I just never eager to found out how it works because I thought it would be stupid. However, since i had nothing better to do today, I went to myspace and registered an account and downloaded the karaoke program (you need to download a program in order to make the whole thing works). Then I started to try this function out.......
IT'S SOSOSOSOSO FXXKING AMAZING!
I was so addicted to it that I spent 5 hours recording songs. The good thing about this function is the operation system is so user friendly even your 70 years old grandma would know how to use. It almost does everything that you will need for creating a cover song video, from offering lyrics, vocal on/off, video and audio recording, to uploading. All you need is a mic, cam (optional) and a computer. If you pay some money you can even change the key of the song and have vocal effect. Moreover, the song selection is really good as well. Although It doesn't have every single songs, at least they have the hit ones, for both new and old songs (I was recording "over the rainbow" for over an hour). However, it still has few things i think it need to be improved, for intense, the lyrics animation doesn't sync with the music very well and the quality of the video it record for you is rather poor (unless you pay, of cuz) and only the first 10 recordings are free and if you want to continue recording you will need to pay. The thing that worthwhile to notice is you don't need to pay at all if you just want to sing along the karaoke music, however, you can just do that in youtube as well, the point of this service really is the recording part. Therefore i am actually thinking paying for this service maybe for a month, which is like 10USD. A month is actually more then enough since my enthusiasm for such things usually lasts less then that.....
I haven't been clubbing for ages. It was months ago when i went to club last time. Its not like i don't want to go but I found it the older i am the more i need a company to go to such place. However, when I was listening lady gaga while i was working out that afternoon, I had this strong feeling that i really need to go clubbing that night.
So, i went.
It was a very fun night at the club, the songs are good, the people are cute, except the fact that I was bothered by this annoying guy the whole night. This random white dude just suddenly came to me and told me I am very cute. I thought he just wanted to be friends since he told he had a boyfriend already, therefore I thought it was perfect because I could totally use a friend in the club and didn't have to worry this guy would have a crush on me since I have absolute no interest in him. However, unsurprisingly, he started acting touchy. The worst thing is there was this cute mixed dude there and we were staring at each other all night. I was kind of waiting for him to say something but it was totally ruined by this annoying guy cuz he almost kissed me in front of him and i had to literary push him away. Of course at the end this mixed guy didn't ask me anything and I have to tell that annoying guy to go away. Funny thing is that annoying guy was trying to convince me I have feeling for him. This tells me that sometimes we really have to be brutal to people we are not interested in at the club, otherwise every thing you do even pushing him away would seem like flirting to them, so let alone being nice and consider their feelings, in fact, they have no feelings, the only thing they want is fucking.
WELL WELL WELL, except this my clubbing night is actually not too bad and i am so excited when they play Lady gaga's new song - bad romance.
I have been playing Call of duty: modern warfare 2 for the past few days non-stop and i still suck at this stupid shooting game. This is actually the first "first person shooting" game i have ever perched and so i am not ashamed of the fact that I am not that good at it, but, WHY WOULD I DIE SO EASILY?? whereas other online players don't seem to fall that easily like me, WHY!?!?!?!? so annoying.
W called again on Friday, the last time he called was almost 2 months ago. I felt much better when he called this time and I didn't seem to care what happened anymore so we just chatted. May be I am just so sick of giving a shit of what he did so much. We chatted for almost 2 hours, mostly boring stuff, but i guess that's not the point of this conversation. The point of this conversation is really about we can finally move on and start being friends. I really don't know if i really can just be friends with him to be honest, but I seem to be fine with it today, hell knows what I will think tomorrow.
I was supper stressed for the past few days mainly because my roommate told me that he had to move out on January. That means if i want to stay in where i am staying I have to sign a new one-year contract with the management company but since I have too much uncertainty in my future, which i am graduating on Dec and i dont know if i could found a job here, I really can't commit that much. therefore I whether found a roommate who can sign the lease for me or found somewhere to move on Jan.
I am so SICK of moving!!! looking for places>packing>moving>organizing fuck fuck fuck fuck
Especially i absolutely LOVE where i am staying right now, i love this apartment in every aspect, location, price, and the quality of building...
Sign...despite I actually had few things I should be happy about, like finally I seem to find a friend and the positive feedbacks of my project, I still felt very stressed. In fact I felt even more stressed by not being able to enjoy those happy moments. I can't even eat properly after my roommate told he he had to leave. All i ate that night was a very small portion of vegetables.
Two days later, I was feeling a tiny bit better, but, still stressed, I went to the Art museum with my friend Lu because i thought Art piece might claim me down from the stress and art museum seems to be a good place to chat (feel free to hate me, art lovers). After telling her all my troubles at the art museum we decided to the shopping mall to get a birthday present for Lu's friend. It was quite cold that day so we decided to take a bus. When we were close to the bus stop we saw this bus was next to it and we started running. However, when we got there the bus driver started closing the door. Its not like the door got closed then we got there; its more like we got there then the door got closed. I was furious indeed, and the first idea that popped up in my head was that the driver was a racist. Well, you can't really blame me by thinking that because i had experienced this before, not just once. Therefore I rose my middle finger to the long-gone bus. Then I heard this guy behind yell, "hey man, don't do that, its not cool". Then i turned around and looked. I saw there were actually a bunch of people and they were waiting for the bus too then i realize the reason why the bus didn't wait for us is because the bus is full and its not because of "US". I was totally embarrassed and i really didn't know what to say. Then I received countless weird staring and I was supper uncomfortable. They much think, "OMG, this guy dress up so well but acted like a cavemen". Honestly, rising my middle finger is not something that i usually do. However, that day i was really stressed therefore i felt "everyone against/dislike me". I am not trying to make an excuse here for my rule action and i know what i did is wrong. I think this is actually a very good lesson for me to teach myself that I have to hold my temper even when i am in angry or stress, at lease before I figure things out.
anyway, I am feeling much better now regarding the housing issue, at lease i will have 2 month right?
I have been extremely busy last week. One of the major reasons is my aunt was visiting me all the way form Hong Kong for 9 days and that means i had to take care of her in that 9 days. Please don't got me wrong, i am more then happy to take care of her since we are actually quite close, the thing is she came in the wrong time, when i have a presentation and essay due that week and an other typographic project (so now you could tell how busy i was). I was actually a little bit nervous becasue i have never had my relative stay in my place for that long and i really don't know if i would handle it especially she we have stay in the same room all the time. Fortunately, it turned out to be very pleasant a visit and she was being super understand. I originally thought 9 days was a bit long but now i really do miss her and wish she could have stayed a tiny bit longer. :(
anyway, Can you guys remember how many times I have complained that I have no friends???? seriously, i really can't remember, i just know i had complained lots.
well, after all the complaining, I've finally done something! (yay!)
I posted an ad on Craigslist saying i want to have friends (how simple!)
surprisingly i did get quite a lot of feedback and of cuz, that includes perverts replies too even i stated clearly in my ad that "if you think you might be one of those perverts then please don't reply" but you know, that kind of that do happen. LOL. After scanning all the replies i found one of them might be worth to reply to. oh, by the way, i got this straight guy's reply, saying that he wants to make friends with me. But, Honestly, i really do not think a straight guy would want to be friend with a gay gay so willingly, it really makes me think he is whether a questioning or a serial gay killer, do you guys think that sounds abnormal too? should I or shouldn't I reply him? anyway! i replied that "worth to reply to guy". After years of putting efforts on making local fiends in a western country. I do believe race is a factor when people pick their friends. However, I think that is no one's fault and thats just the way it is, especially Asian do that all the time too. Therefore when i replied him by email i attached my photos with it so that I could save me some time if he is a white gay sucker who is only looking for white gay friends. However, I got his email this evening and the context is actually quite genuine and it does make me believe he want to make friends with me and he even told me my photos are nice (of coz, i am a cute guy!!!). I just replied him before this blog entry, guys, WISH ME LUCK PLEASE!!!!!!
by the way, I successfully claimed 550 bucks from the dental insurance, yay!!
It's been awhile since last time I had a sex dream (by the way, i have never had a wet dream). Anyway, although this is obviously not the first time I have a sex dream, this time is a bit different then those ones i had before. Those sex dreams i used to have are mostly about me and my boyfriends or some faceless man. However, this time, was with one of my friend, a guy who is 5 years younger then me. I met this guy a year ago in school when I still had my computer monitor job. He often come to the computer lab and talk to me about some computer/computer game problem. He is absolutely great to hang out with and once he starts talking nothing can shut him up (sometimes it gets quite annoying). I have a feeling that he really likes me as a friend but the thing is I really don't not know deal with guys, especially younger guys. He tried to invite me to his house parties several times but I turned him down with no reasons (i dont know why). I am quite attracted to him because of his big personality, which is something I don't have and I desperately need. However, a younger dude like that is just not in my consideration at all, oh, did i mentioned that he is straight?
ANYWAY
yes, I had a sex dream about me and him. The dream was rather weird (how often do we experience "real" dreams in our life? I wonder), I appeared in this 60's looking, heavily industrialized area then i see this huge red industrialize colossus (please don't ask me whats a industrialized colossus like, i really can not describe) and I knew I have to destroy it (yea, this dream is heavily inspired by the video game "Shadow of the Colossus"). anyway, then i started to infiltrate into this colossus and suddenly I found this red shower room inside that colossus (how sexy). Then i saw him and we started making out. The sex was not clear what so ever (I am glad) and it ended pretty fast, the most weird thing about this dream is after we had sex he cut off his penis. It was rather big I have to say (LOL), I was so shocked I asked him what was he doing and he just told me it was fine and it would grow back (like a earth worm), I was scared indeed then I woke up.
colossus in the video "Shadow and colossus"
What's wrong with me? Do I actually have a crush on him that i don't even realize?? Whatever, I wish my next sex dream would be about me and some cute celebrities I like, like Ewan McGregor, Andy Samberg, Gerard Butler, Colin Firth...etc
-I have decided each time when I upload a post i will post a random photo as well so my blog would not look as dull- yes i know, that is such a brilliant idea
Bridget Jones is ironing her hair! How lovely!
The mid-term week has finally finished. sigh, finally...
how's my mid-term exam go? arrr.......lets not talk about it now
Lets talk about founding friends. I think its not the first time I mention I am actually quite lonely here in this city because most of my close friends have either gone back to Hong Kong or to other cities. I am not saying i have zero friends here but they most of them ain't really close. I guess I am the kind of people that lack of ability to make new friends. I don't want to make it sounds like an excuse, but I do believe being a International Homosexual Asian student here in a western country makes me even harder for me to know new friends, please do not tell me that is just something that created in my own head, I have experienced it myself. Nevertheless, I think the biggest challenge I have is i don't even know the where to found the "friend material" and i don't know how to increase my friend circle in this city. One of my close friend, Ri, recently got into this big University in UK for master program and she told me that the University has so many events and parties going on and people there are just very friendly and easy to make friend with, whereas my pathetic little art and design college only has snobbish designers and artists and no events like that. Honestly I envy her so much that sometimes I even wish I have chosen a bigger University so i would have more opportunity to know more friends, well, i guess its to late to say that now.
I am getting more and more desperate these few days and I finally went online and searched for some LGBT sport organizations in my area (I think it might be more comfortable for me to know more gay friends here) but it turned out they are freaking EXPENSIVE! It costs around 200USD in average to join whatever-sport-is leagues for a year (I searched for water polo league as well since the only sport I am good at is swimming, but it cost 400USD). I know the fees may actually include the rent of the gymnasium, but does it really have to cost that much? sigh....can anyone tell me when sport becomes such a luxurious activities to practice?
I recently talked to A (who is living in the other side of the earth) about this issue and she told me this same old story about how that kind of things would just happen in the most natural way and we don't really have to do much to get it (just like love). However, I've also been told that I hadn't been putting enough effort to make new friends. So, can anyone tell me how much effort i should put in order to keep this amazing balance between trying to hard and not trying hard enough?
I can only do point form in this frustrating sentiment.
- One assignment due next Thursday for type class, which i still have "made" anything - Mid-Term Exam of the class "Art and Fashion", which i still haven't read all the readings - Just paid 600 bucks for Dental - The transit took 2 tickets from me today - forgot my lock for locker in YMCA, paid an extra 2bucks for the shitty YMCA lock.
The Final Fantasy franchise is one my a favorite amount other games. I started playing FF when FFVIII came out (unfortunately not FFVII) and I just fail in love with it once I played it. However, the new FF franchise, which is FFXIII, seems to have the longest developing time in the game history (I think the only one that could compare with it is the GT franchise)
I really hope the characters in FFXIII will be able to change their weapons (I want to use polearms!!!) but it does seems to have such an opinion according to what I saw \(T _T)/
Moreover, every Summon in this generation seem to have the ability to transform into different transportation, like motor bike, house, sports car...etc.
Anyway, The English version of the game is not coming out until next year spring and since SE is notorious for their delay in releasing date, I guess by the time I could actually play it it will be about next year summer....
Here's the new trailer of the game(released in TGS '09")
OMG, The Lost Panet 2 is sosoosososo good. I downloaded the Demo few days ago and played with my friend Mx yesterday. The game play is very good, especially it adopts the co-cop idea from Resident evil 5(both games are from is from capcom). It just feels very good to be able to have the adventure of the game with your friends/strangers, and it actually make those action-advanture games less scary for me to play (I probably would not be able to finish Resident evil 5 if i didn't play it with an other player online). Moreover, The graphic of TLP2 is amazing as well (its even better then Resident evil 5!), I hope the the resolution would pump into 1080p when the official version release cuz it still look a bit rough.
I felt very bad after sending him the email, knowing that he probably would not call anymore.
When I think about all the bad things that he did to me when he was here and all the sufferings that I have been thought plus the fact that he could just talk to me again without mentioning a thing about what happened, not even an proper apology, I really do believe sending him that“never-call-again” email was a right thing to do. However, pathetically, I do really miss him. Therefore sometimes I would tell myself that the fact that he is calling and being all gentle might be the best case scenario already because my dignity will never allow me to call him after what happened, thus I shouldn’t have ruined it, because it might be the only chance for us to get back together.
I am real pathetic, I know.
I kinda regard that I didn’t tell him the “lying” incident was not the whole reason why I don’t want to talk to him anymore because I wanted him to know he has done other bad things to me too, which I was too chicken to complain since I wanted to protect the “relationship” that I thought we had at the time, and to let him suffers from it as well since he seems like he still give a shit.
Anyway, I've spent hours and hours everyday thinking if what I've done was a right thing to do and it was real painful.
Few hours ago, I got this email from him
I'm sorry... I really miss you as a friend, and hope you wont be angry at me forever.. I'm sorry I hurt you - I was wrong. Dont want to bug you if you dont want to talk to me, so if you feel like you could forgive me, maybe you could get in touch some time..
W
Miss me as a friend? What? Friend? What on earth would make you think that we were friends before? Have I ever said I want to be friend with you? Anyway, it wouldn't be any different if he said he misses because of other reasons and at least I got a relatively more thoughtful apologize now then the shitty one that he wrote me before. I don't know what to write back to him yet, in fact, i don't even know what i am supposed to feel right now...
W called again yesterday and I knew he would call.
I actually planned to tell him not to call anymore when he calls again because I started thinking about him more and more after he called last week
but i didn't tell him when he called yesterday, instead, we had a pleasant conversation for more then an hour
However, the conversation still ended badly.
W: How was your weekend? me: Not much, you? W: not much either, my friends were busy, so I was staying at home all the time me: same here, especially I don't have much friends left in here now and i found it hard to know new friends W: I found it hard too
Right at that moment, It reminded me how he laid about meeting his "friend" who he met from internet through a dating website. I just can't help to get angry
me: How come? I think you are good at that. W: No i am not me: well, you have your way to do it W: what? me: I said you have your way to do it
Then he realized what I was referring to then we both went silence. Then I realized I had said something I shouldn't have said because i don't want him to know I still give a shit. Afterward, I told him I had things to do so i had to go. At the moment, i know I have to end it, I can't talk to him like I am some sort of time bomb that I don't know when I will explode.
I sent him this email few hours after the phone call.
W,
I had a really good time talking to you today and last week, but I just can't keep talking to you and pretend nothing have happened. What happened still hurts, therefore I think we should stop talking. I am sure you will understand and I hope we can be friends someday.
regards P
It hurts so bad to tell such things to a person who you love...
Posts
