Princesm as a blog reader - Am I an Orientals??

I dont want to be this kind of "Orientals", ok?
photo by Bernard-z@flickr

Before I started this blog I almost never read other people's blog. It's not only because I don't like reading but also I don't give a shit on other people's life and thoughts. However, after I started the blog I am more engage to this nation of blog and I started to read more and more blog. It proves that i was wrong about what i thought, I do give a shit and I did found some of the blogs are actually rather interesting, like this one, gay banker. Recently he has posted a entry about if calling an Asian an "Orientals" is politically correct, Click here to see the post. After I read that I made the following respond.

Hello, this is my first time leaving a comment here. Hello GB!

First of all i am a Chinese gay guy who is living in a western country (trying to be politically correct.).

I think when it comes to term like that you get to be very careful cuz it falls into the dilemma of labeling and being labeled. It just like gay guys could call themselves "faggot" it doesn't means anyone else could call them the same way, as well as the word "nigger". I am sure lots of "south-east" people would referred themselves as "Orientals" but i doubt they would all enjoy being called "Orientals" by a white/black/who ever not the same race as they are. I would say "Asians/ south east Asians" are much better terms because they are very direct and they just say the place they come from, just like we call European European because they are from Europe. However, the term "Orientals" is so much more complicated. It has so much connotations behind the term and most of the connotation is just based on feeling since "orientals" is an adjective as well. Its like "yes, i am from Asia, but when you call me Orientals i would imagine you are actually thinking me wearing a "Oriental" rattan hat and standing on the "Oriental" boat holding a bamboo and singing an "Oriental" song in a "Oriental" environment " (I know its retarded to think that way but I just do) oh....i think the word "retarded" fall into this dilemma too....sorry for using that

Anyway, I think its very sincere of you to actually take this issue seriously.

by the way, i don't think i would like being called 'Orientals" and i was once being called "color people" by a random guy in front of my place and I just slammed the door. /(> o<)/

Email from W

I got W's email three days ago.

this is what he wrote

OK.. I've been away from town for a few days but hopefully talk to you soon.

I guess he is trying to tell me he was away so he couldn't go online to call me for the past few days.

I know he goes back to his parents place on the weekend fairly often but COME ON!!!!! I sent the email which i told him he could call me on skype last Wednesday, was he out last thursday and and friday too?? grrrr, this guy disgust me!

Cute swimmer at YMCA

Heehee

I should have written this much earlier because it was few weeks ago when I first met this guy at the first day I work out in YMCA.

I went there for a swim that day and i saw him at the pool- A quite cute looking Caucasian male in average height with very tanned skin and slim body. I was swimming at the open area at the pool and he was swimming at the fast lane (I always avoid to swim a the lane cuz i really hate the idea of some one is running/chasing after me). When we were both standing at the side of the pool taking a rest I sort of noticed he looked at my way quite often. suddenly he went "excuse me..." the immediate reaction i had was moving away because i thought he wanted to pass my way, but he didn't, then i noticed he might have wanted to talk to me, but whatever, then i continue swimming. After that, back to exactly same situation, we were standing at the side, he went "it's a busy day, isn't it?" at the lowest possible amount of volume. Then i was like "oh, is he talking to me?" then i looked around and there was no one there then i realized he might be actually talking to me. Since I wasn't sure if he was "really" talking to me so i didn't respond at all...

I saw him few days ago at the shower (quite embarrassing) and I noticed he peeked at me (of cuz i know, becasue i peeked too) but not in a obvious way.

I know we might end up becomes no more then two strangers but at least now i have one more reason to go gym, right?

I suppose anyone who've ever been to the gym would had the similar experience, am i right? or I am the only slut here?

More W

Few days ago, I sent an email to W telling him if he really want to talk he could call if he sees me online. (since I've deleted him on skype, as well as msn)

I dont have one concrete reason to explaiun why i did that becasue i am sure it has more then one reason why i did that.

All of my friends asked me why am i doing it to myself. They're all telling me the reason i am making myself available is because i want to lie to myself me and him still have hope.

That is very normal to think but i really don't think thats true, at least not the major part of it.

yes I love him and i really hope he could do things to make me forgive him. but i know it is not happening and i know exactly there're no hope between us.

In the past three weeks, I thought about him every single day but every time i thought about him and the things he that did to me(not only that meeting-online-gay-guy incident) i would get very pissed and angry. What he's been doing is manipulating my love for him. I just can't forgive him by doing that to me. I know I am responsible too, i should have gone away from him long time ago but i didn't. Anyway, i just know we can't be together anymore, not even friends.

then why am i doing that.

I really don't know...

tell me, was I wrong?

Nice supper and clubbing Night

"Oh, I wish I have time to XXX!" It properly the most common thoughts to come across when people who is being busy and just not be able to anything else other then their work. Making fancy meal happens to be one of the things I would think about at that moment. However, it doesn't mean i would really do it when i have free time again. Just like now, I thought I would try so many recipe during this summer holiday, but in fact, I haven't been trying anything fancy until yesterday.

This is what i made Potato Gnocchi with Veal and Mushroom Sauce. see recipe

for this special occasion I invited Clare to join me, we had the supper at my balcony. This is actually the first time i ever have a meal at my balcony. supper at the balcony with wine and jazz, It was just what i wanted. :P

Trust me, it IS very good, you guys should try it

we went to clubbing later on the nite, but i guess we went there too late, we waited like an hour (seriously!) to get in the club, lucky the music in there is very nice, it makes a perfect night. :)

The Karaoke incident

"When you hang out a bunch of gay guys, you will get nothing but drama"

from the greatest poet - Princesm


Last week, I went to S's friend's birthday Karaoke party with S (of cuz). However, sicne T and S had broken up and i will be likely to stay in S's place for the night after karaoke therefore I asked if T mind if i go. well i know it is not necessary but I still did because i kinna know how it feels to have your good friend hanging out with your ex-boyfriend who you still love/hate. When i asked T he acted like he does care and tell me he is fine with that. I knew that might not be totally true but the thing is I really really wanted to sing karaoke and since he has said yes, so if he regreds, it will not be my fault.

the karaoke night was fine and It was fun too. However, when S was driving me to his place he suggested somehting fairly interesting which wow me a little bit.

S "Hey, i want to tell you something"
me "shoot"
S "I just washed the bed sheet of my bed, therefore i took the one from the guest room"
me "oh?"
S "Dont worry, my bed is enough for two people"
me "arrr" <WHAT THE FUCK? you are suggesting we should sleep together??>
S "Don't worry, i won't do anything, it just my bed is the only bed has a bed sheet"
me "arrrr.........i think i can sleep without a bedsheet" <OMG, that is the lamest excuse i have even heard to get someone sleep on their bed>

Then it was silence. However, he will asked me if i want to sleep on his bed and i used my last bit of energy and went, "thank you, i think i am fine."

S has been sending obvious singles since i've met him when he was still with T. Every time i could just play dumb and pretend I didn't know and ignore it. But this time, since this excuse is so lame it made me look so weird when i play dumb dumb.

S, i might have screwed you to if you are just someone.
Its too bad you are not

I called T the next day at the midnight. T seemed he was half-sleeping. After i said hi he went:

T "how was it?"
me "how was what?"
T "how was the love making last night?
me "what? love makeing? whit whom?"
T "your friend"
me "my friend, you mean S?"

well, obviously T is jealous which i am not surprised at all, although i knew he was half-joking but isn't it a bit uncool to say something like that to your friend? moreover, i have asked him if he mind and he said no. He has absolutely no right to say such things to me and i am offended indeed.

me "T, I am your friend, what you have said is an insult"
then T was playing dumb, he went "oh what did i say"
me "you were accusing me slept with S"
T "i didn't say that"
me "i don't feel like talking now, bye"

yes, I hanged him up, otherwise I will be wasting my time if i carry on the conversation him.

Sigh......drama.......drama.......drama

W called.

Few days ago, W left me message in skype telling me he miss and and miss talking me in early morning.

but i didn't reply

The next day, He messaged me again in the morning. I usually wouldn't wake up that early but because i had a appointment with the hair dresser that day therefore i was there when he me messaged me. He said hey and few seconds later he tried to call me from skype. I was so nervous i didn't know what to do at all. It wasn't as easy as just ignoring his text message. I don't know how to explain why but its just hard. I felt like i have to make a decision in such a short time. It didn't occrue to me ignoring his phone cell is an opinion, all i can thought about was whether "answer" or "refuse". Trust me, I want to talk to him more then anything in the world, but i refused his call. Again, i really didn't know what to think, but that time I know if i answer the phone call I will fall into his trap again.

then he sent the following message to me:

"P, I would not bug you and annoy you again so i won't call you again, I just want to tell you I really miss you and want to talk to you"

I was so nervous my sweat is all over my body. I was sad too, sad that he told he would not call again.

I tried so hard to type something but i couldn't. After 10 minutes of struggling, i finally went:

"anything important?"

"no, i just want to talk to you"

"K, bye"

this is how our conversation ended

Recent me

I know I know, i haven't been updating my blog for a week.

it just.....I haven't been in a good mood since i stopped talking with W. I basically couldn't do anything. I was just working out and watching drama in the past two weeks. I am never a work out person (please dont imagine me having a masculine body, gross) but during the first week of ignoring him. I know and i told myself i need something to focus on beside thinking about him so i joined a gym near by where I live. The original intention of joining it is just for their swimming pool cuz Swimming can clear my mind because when i swim, I could only think about swim but nothing else. It feels so great to be in the water and being care free, both mind and body. I almost go to gym everyday now and now I've already lost 4 lbs and my muscles are all toned up. I guess I shouldn't be too sad cuz at last i dont feel trashy about my body anymore.

oh, by the way, after a long drag, T and S finally broke up (i am sure its not because of me :P). However, the one who really suffer from this doesn't seem to be either T or S but me cuz they both keep blaming each other to me after the break up. honestly i really dont want to know, but since i am their friend i guess i have no choose but to suck it up. the only thing i could do save myself some brain cells is to shut up and listen to them otherwise if i dare to give any comments and agreemants of what they said it means i am willing to be the judge between them that means I will even suffer more.

anyway, T and S, good luck with your break up and I dont want to know more about how much you guys hate each other

Owen Wilson & Woody Harrelson - You guys are so cute!

photos source : http://laragmag.com

These photos are taken when they were in Portofino, Italy

I am not a big fan of Wilson brothers, i think Wilson brothers (luke and owen) are one of the most horrible actors in Hollywood. On the other hand, I actually quite like Woody Harrelson and his acting and his craziness in his acting. Honestly i think This is very hot since both guys look very straight, especially Woody. Anyone remember Woody Harrelson in Will and Grace? he is once grace's boyfriend and he is super straight in that role (well, he played a lot of manly role in general). Therefore It makes these photos even hotter to watch! hmmmm I guess Woody is the top and Owen is the bottom if they are really couples :P

The delayed apologize.

I got W's email yesterday.

It was a apologizing email. Honestly i am really surprised i would even got his email again after I've called him a jerk (dont get me wrong, i did mean it), let alone he would apologize of what he did.

anyway, this is the email

"Hey P.

i really hate you being angry at me.. i'm sorry about it - i've thought about what you said and i was wrong.. I hope you'll forgive me and we can talk soon..

W"

I didn't reply. i guess its because i am still angry with him. that few sentences are definitely not enough to make me forgive what he did. Moreover, In that email he just seemed he just dont want me to be angry with him but to acknowledge he really did somthing wrong. you know most of the people would not want to be accused to be a jerk. More importantly, that incident was just a wake up call, I should have leave him much earlier anyway. I am glad that this email is not that well written, otherwise I really dont know if i can still keep my strength to stay away from him.

W, goodbye

I talked to him this morning, totally disappointing, he was being total a jerk

he told me he was not sorry and kept telling me that I was over reacting.

W, Please don't tell me what i suppose to think/feel when you do something wrong.

I really had enough of his bullshit and I had to call him a jerk and asked him to shut up. Then I hanged up.

I always hope he could be the perfect man to make me believe such decent human being does exist.

This hurt, and I know this is a wake up call.

goodbye W, you might not be the perfect guy, but the perfect image you've left me would will never die and I will keep it safely in mind.

I will be strong. I believe the one is waiting for me.

W, its time to say goodbye........

its 2 a.m. in the morning right now, quite sleepy, but i know if i dont keep this blog as update as i can i might just leave it especially when it comes to bad memories. Writing them is like ripping off the wound.

okay, lets start

The whole thing started a week ago when we were chatting on skype. It was just a casual chat and we were just talking about whatever. Then he told me he went to this decent restaurant to have beer with his friend the other night and kept telling me how good it was. honestly, I didn't suspect a thing when he told me that and then i just casually asked who that was, then he just said a friend of his (i should have sensed soemthing wrong by then cuz he usually just say the name of the friend, but whatever, i still didn't suspect a thing). Then i dont know if he felt guilty or what, he told me that was a gay friend. Well, since he said that, if coz i would want to know more now, i asked him where did he meet him, then he told me he met him through a friend, then i go "oh, is that friends called 'internet'"? then he said yes. You know, i really dont know what i should said at that point, all i can think of is to be calm, I tried to think about us and i thought me and him are not boyfriends anymore so he techically could do anything he wanted, so i was trying to act fine and finish the conversation. In fact, that was a quite decently conversation beside that. However, the more i thought about that the more i felt that is wrong. especially when he went back to UK last month he promised me not to meet anyone online before i go there to visit him later this summer. I made that clear, not from Internet because last year he meet a guy from Internet and that guy turned out became his boyfriend for few months. Thats why i was being specific. However, he broke his promise. then we chatted online few days later, i asked him why would he do that? and all he said was "come on, he is just a friend". dude, it wasn't conviencing at all. meeting a friend from a dating site?? what kind of friend you want to meet? and asian? the type that you are attracted to? and why do you have to lie about how you guys meet? if meeting him is such a normal thing why didn't you tell me you have met a friend when you first met him? everything everything, W, you are so disappointing and the fact that you normalize the whole thing made me sick. the worst thing is he totally dont want to answer those questions and just made some excuse to dismiss me on msn. He told me his roommate and his roommate's boyfriend has arrived so he need to go. he did mention they would go to his room and drink in his place earlier, but come on, you dismiss me just like that?? Every time when someone call him while i am having a conversation with him on the phone or msn he would just dismiss me. it wasn't pleasant but i am fine with that since we weren't talking something really important. but now, how could you just dismiss me like that??? can you just tell your roommate to wait?? where do they live?? under your room!!!!!! fucker.

anyway, he emailed me the next day and pretend nothing happened.

i didn't answer the email

next day, he emailed again and ignore the whole incident and asked me if i could take a look of his website and give some comments to his site and he told me he would on line between 7-8 his time.

W, how could you just ignore that and when you dont want to talk to me you could just dismiss me like that. now you expect me to wait for you?? huh??

I didn't wait, i went to gym, i know he might call so i put my cell in the locker as well.

when i finsh working out i found that he did called. i didn't reply it either

the next day (yesterday), he emailed ma again asking me if i okay cuz i never reply this email and take his call. but wait, why do you suddenly care now? sometime you could just not emailing and calling me for a whole week. anyway, he called, honestly i still want to ask him why he can think what he did is okay, but my brain just went blank. I told him i was really upset and i dont understand, i need time, then i hanged up...

seriously

i dot know what i suppoes to say, suppose to do, suppose to think, sometime i even wonder if what he did is actually normal. i dont know....my hand just can't function properly....

Some drama (2)

so, S told me he had known me for a long time. He told me he had visited my friendster page(can you imagine how long ago it was? friendster?) long time ago and thought my photos is very "interesting" (really? just interesting? LOL). he even told me he had messaged me but i never reply. After he told me he had messaged me, i did vaguely remember seeing his face at my friendstar message inbox (but come on, you? reply you? if he had a better photo on friendster i might have replied him). However, to be honest, seeing him in real person does make me think he actually could be a nice boyfriend. Anyway, isn't it very creepy there is always some people to claim to know you just because they had cyber stalked you?? yes, this is not the first time "some people" told other people they know me but i have no freaking idea who they are. Anyway, we carried on talking about that after dinner when we chatting in S's house because i called him a stalker. One thing I felt quite weird about him is he is trying to be too close/friendly to me which made me wonder if he likes me. In his place, he kept showing E (T was sleeping in the couch) my photos on friendstar to explain how "interesting" i was ( i really dont know why he would do that). Then he added me on facebook and asked me to log in to add him (was it necessary???). However, i didn't add him at that time tho, not in front of other people. anyway, suddenly a shocking news (just for me) came out from E's month, which is T and S are boyfriends.

WHAT?? I COULDN'T SENSE THAT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
They didn't kiss, didn't have any sweet talk, didn't hold hands, didn't even sit together when we ate!!!

anyway, i felt so stupid to called S a stalker. I really didn't know what T would think. honestly i really want to keep T as my friend and i don't want to him to misunderstand me therefore I know I need to keep distance from S.

When S drove me home that night I told him I really didn't know he and T are boyfriends if E didn't mention it. Then he said he thought i knew. I told him It was not even possiable for anyone to tell they are boyfriends unless those people are being told. Then he suddenly looked quite upset and go, "Do you think we are a good match?"

WAH! (chinese shocking expression) why would you ask me that??? What can i answer you ???? Would anyone know better then yourself ???? it was such a ridiculous question to ask.

Since that was such a dangerious question to answer I didn't think about if they really match or not at all. All i can think about is a nice way to say yes (do you really think no could be an opinion? huh? seriously?) to comfort him.

Drama Drama, can you keep away from me? what i want is just friends........

Princesm's blog note 12-7-2009

Lots of things happened recently, bad things mostly. those things made me so depressed that I just couldn't do anything at all, the only thing i could do is constantly think about those bad things. All those things could make the perfect excuse for me to stop writing the blog since i am not good at writing, everything i write it takes me lots of time. However, i have decided to continue writing this blog because I know i just can't let myself drown into the lake of darkness. Moreover, i think this blog gives me a very good opportunely for me to share the things in my mind and i believe it would help for me to let go of what happened. I don't know if there is someone would constantly read this blog, if you happen to be one of them, i want to say thanks here, thank you for reading this small blog even this blog is so insignificantly existed.

Princesm 12-7-2009

Some drama? (1)

Sometimes i wonder if what i write is interesting enough for people to read since this blog isn't meant to just for myself but also for the public to read as well. Therefore sometimes I think i should just skip some events which don't sound very interesting for most of the people, but, isn't it what blog there for and why it is so interesting to read? recording small, insignificant events or things that only mean something for their own but it somehow connects to the readers?

Therefore, I have decided I would just write whatever I feel like to write even it might even sounds silly to other people.

Therefore, "SUCK IT UP, GUYS!!!" hahahahhahahahahahhaha

okay, the long boring introductions is actually for the following incident......the reason i dont want to write about this is because i dont even know what i think is even true, I would be so embarrassed if its not :P. anyway, this is what happened.

Since me and T just exchanged phone number last week and we haven't been spoken to each other since then I decided I should do something to bring our friendship to the next stage. I text messaged him my msn few days ago. The same day, he called and told me he just got off from work and wanted to hang out. I told him I needed time to prepare, hence I suggested he should just come over my place and wait for me. Eventually we were just staying at my place and start drinking and chatting. Although T might not be the best mate I want to chat with but I still had a fairly pleasant time chatting. After that we decided to move our ass to go for supper. By the time we are ready to go T got a phone call from this friend asking if we want to join them for supper in up town. I agreed and we finally joined them around 7. Including me, there were only four people this time (ma, T, S and E). I've seen S and E once before in that gay event but we almost didn't chat at all since it was the first time I meet them and the crowd was quite big which makes it awkward to talk. I was hoping I could finally have some real conversation with them this time. The supper was really pleasant and I enjoy it very much. T turns out to be the normalest guy within the group, S is the uptight kind and E is the crazy dude. After the supper, on the way to take his car, he told me sometime a somwhow shocking news, he told me he had known me for a very long time. However, i have no memory meeting his guy before last week......(continue)

finally met some gay friends (2)

"It isn't kind to cultivate a friendship just so one will have an audience."

-Lawana Blackwell

"But come on, everyone does that!" Princsm screams,

Friendship

I think i am just a snob when it comes to meeting new friends. There are few things I think its quite important want to choose my friend. First, the look, oh yes, call me a s.h.a.l.l.o.w. but come on, please dont tell me you dont care how your friends look. Honestly i think it is actually really normal to do cuz people do want to project certain image to others and every move of you defines who you are includes choosing your friends, just like the reason why you chose to wear that red low-cut dress you went to a club last time. What i am saying is, I do choose my friend according their look, it doesn't just mean they have to have "good looking", but "the look" i want to hang out with. Second, maturity and mentality, I hate when people say things without really thinking about it and especially when they make pointless assumptions, it really annoys me. I like critical thinking and i like critical discussion too, for instance, if you want to talk about the movie you like, please dont just tell me "oh, its a really good movie! its very exciting/romantic/touching......", what i really want to hear is "why is it exciting/romantic/touching?" How about the acting? is the script cleverly written? what about the cinematography? is the visual good? What about the character/plot development........etc. Well, one could argue some people think social intercourse should be a relaxing thing and dont really want any "in depth discussion". Thats true too, but what i am saying is, I may not need to have "in depth discussion" every time but at least I want my friend to be able to have critical thinking and trust me, there are so many people can't even explain why they think the movie is so extraordinary. last thing, most important one, sincere and honest, i guess i dont have to explain why for this one.

I start wonder if i should change the headline of this post, cuz this post doesn't look like i am talking how i met those new Friend but about how snobbish i am. anyway, here is the story.

few days ago there was this big gay event held in the city and since the area the event took place was quite near where i live therefore i decided to go to take a look. I really didn't expect to meet anyone but eventually i met one of the guy I had met one or twice, T. T is a quite good looking guy(but he is the cutesy type, too much like a bottom, which is clearly not my type) anyway, I had ran into him few times on the street before and he was being quite nice to me. I dont know why but I was actually quite surprised that he was bein that nice to me. Cuz when a gay cute boy meet an other gay cute boy, it usually forms either love or competition, but friendship. Moreover, I am very shy and i don't speak much when I meet new people (even people i think i would like to han out with), which makes people think i am really arrogant (although sometimes its true), therefore . Anyway, I ran into him again that day and he asked me to join him to met his other friends. I almost said no because i really hate socialize with a bunch of new people but i am really desperate to have some friends, therefore I agreed to went with him. The crowd was big It feels rather awkward as I expected when we met up with his friends and I had almost zero interaction with his friends and I ended up just stuck with T all the time. For what i saw, there are only 1 or 2 people out of the crowd seem like the type i want to be friend with. Anyway, technically i didn't really met anyway new friends that day, but i really hope it would lead some real firendship later on...

Wah! Princesm blog is searchable in Google now!!!!

Now my blog would show up when you type in "Princesm" in google!!

despite it's just the 4th result, its still a very exciting news for me.

I will keep this blog up until it climb to the top!!!

hahhahaahhahahahahha

Finally met some gay friends (1)

This is actually quite unusual to me.

I always refuse to meet or hang out with a group of gay friends. Why not? please don't tell me you don't know 9 out of 10 gay guys are nosy bitches, they gossip, a lot. I know this fact since I was grade 9 and i knew i am not going to like it therefore since then i never want to meet a group of gay friends. Each of my gay friend are quite individual which means when I hang out with my gay friends I only hang out with them once at a time and try my best to not to involve their group activities. Anyway, It helps me to prevent those gay bitches bitching about me, especially most of my friends are older then me they tend to take care of me therefore my name never really got discredited, well, not that i know. However, In the other hand, E, my best gay friend (used to be my best straight friend), didn't take my advice, when he turned gay few years ago he met a bunch of gay friends and hanged out with them all the time. Then he kept dating guys in his friend groups. Dating guys in your friend group shouldn't be a huge issue at all but breaking up with them is a serious one, especially the one who has tighter bounding with the group isn't you. It was too late for him to realized that. I don't know why E is so unfortunate every time his relationship ended the other guy would kept bitching about him to his friends (actually that is understandable, you would want "your" friend in your side right?) . Eventually after few broke ups, a huge amount of so called "friends" turned against him and call him a slut. I know E very for a long time and he is definitely not a slut (although some time he does act quite slutty). Anyway, after a long period of time being discredited, now those who kinna know about him but never meet him and talk to him in person would think he is a slut. Even my friends who have seen my photos that i took with E and didn't know we are best friends would tell me he is a slut and i should avoid him, of course i didn't tell E but It really makes the idea of meeting group gay friends sound very bad in my mind.

The days of living in this western country had been quite pleasant for me since the day i came here. I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of very good friends who have similar interest and maturity as me. I have to say that the first 2 years of college life was my favorite year in this country because i have those friends. However, since they are all older then me and graduate earlier then me they leave earlier then me as well, since my third year my friend has been leaving one by one. In my fourth year i almost has no good friends left in the city i am living in. I actually thought I would be fine because i had never thought friends would be a such important thing to me anyway. However, after one year of being no friends at all i realized how much i miss those friends i had and how much I need friends. I guess there were other factors as well, like i went through a serious family issue last summer and i were having winter depression last winter. Therefore I was desperate enough that I've decided I really should meet some new gay friends even if they are in group...

After few attempts, i did it.....well, at least it looks like it....I will have more detail tomorrow cuz it time to sleep now....

yawning*

What am I expecting

I really don't know whats wrong with me.

I have been feeling very depressed for days and today is the worst.

W called me today, after haven't communicated for a week. I wanted to pretend i am actually not that happy but I can't. However, something happened in our conversion and it made my whole day stayed miserable. Recently he found this interesting book named "riddley walker" by Russell Hoban and he was sharing me the story line. Since the story line is really interesting and I found a lot of similarity between some mangas that I have read therefore I started talking when he was still explaining the story too. I guess he was annoyed by my interruption and he finally said, "Why are you over talking me?" it was quite sudden and i didn't know how to respond. then i go "i am sorry I was just excited" I really dont understand why would he say that. I know thats annoying to get interrupted but there are million better ways to tell me to shut up, he could just say "hey, can i finish my sentence?" but "Why are you over talking me?"??? Excuse me? do you think i did that because i think it is fun to do?? anyway i was pissed but i didn't tell him, but i guess he kinna know that he told he get angry easily due to the weather. WHAT A SHITTY REASON. Anyway, after we finished the conversion i when to do some shipping alone and i really can't help thinking what happened in the morning. The more I thought about that the more i got pissed. Eventually I wanted to email him how pissed i was. Actually it is very usual for me to do that. When i got annoyed, i would kinna let it go at that time and pretend nothing happened(cuz i dont know how to react). but then i would spend hours to think about it and the more i think about it the more negative I would get. I am sure i get this from my mum because my mum is exactly like this. anyway, i was so pissed i was about to send this "clarification" emails to him. However, since this is not the first time he does it and everytime i did at i feel bad after. Therefore i decided to call one of my best friend A.

A is a very rational girl who gives the best comment in the world. Instead of giving emotional support, like "Waht a jerk!" "I feel so sorry for you" blah blah blah, she tends to analyze the situation and tell me what she think as a thrid person, her comments have always been very neutral. anyway, this is our conversion on skype:

A: 19:06:40

hmm, maybe it's the attitude he had and the way he framed it, cos actually i would apologize to the other person if i interrupted unintentionally

P: 19:07:03

i did apologize

A: 19:07:06

i guess he could've said it in a better way

P: 19:07:28

but i also feel bad when he said that

A: 19:07:51

i realize that he really knows how to push your buttons...i don't think he does it intentionally, but a lot of the things he says can really upset you

but some ppl are like that

P: 19:08:30

should i tell him i am upset?

A: 19:08:32

they tend to draw the more negative sides of us out

P: 19:08:52

you know , sometimes i even thing he think he can be rude to me because i like him

A: 19:09:04

well...i dunno...i'm not him, so i dunno if he'll get annoyed by all these "clarification" emails

P: 19:09:35

sigh................i know

but i still think what he said is rude

i have decided i will tell him next time i tlak to him

A: 19:13:00

actually, if i were you, i'll just let it go...

let me explain

it seems like you won't think he's suitable for you as a BF anyway, so he's more like a fren

and yet as friends, you guys dont' seem to be getting along that well either

cos rarely do frens always run into situations where there's misunderstanding, miscommunication etc. that requires a lot of clarification

i mean, once in a while there may be conflicts, but you guys have those tensions a lot

so depending on what you expect from him and your friendship with him, if you don't hold high hopes, then i would just let it go

P: 19:16:01

maybe i dont now what to expect from him

A: 19:17:56

i think you'll have to evaluate if this friendship is doing you more harm than good...is it making you happier or is it bringing you more problems and misery? and if you realize that you're always upset by him, then maybe you wanna readjust your distance with him...

i know it's hard cos you still have a bit of feelings for him; there's so much history and you guys do share some common grounds

but usually it's not all-or-none, you're probably never gonna hate him, and yet you gotta draw clearer boundaries

I totally agree on what A said, therefore, I ended up didn't send that Email I have drafted thousand times in my head. I am so glad I talk to A before I took the action. I really how bad i would feel this time if i did send....

anyway, its time to sleep...

All about moving.

Don't worry, I am not moving this site, I meant I actually moved, physically.

The main reason I had to move is i didn't really get along with my previous roommate. Not only because they are couples and i feel like there are two people against me, but also their filthy life style, shity attitude, irresponsible personality. How filthy they are? one actually asked me if its because the "sex" sound that they made. But the answer is NOT, not at all if it compares what i had experienced in that place. I remember one time i found actual HUMAN shit in the bath tub that's all i can tell you. DONT ASK FOR MORE DETAIL!!! How irresponsible they are? I actually found out they constantly write bouncy check to the rent office and Internet supplier. Interesting enough, I still wasn't planning to move out until that thing happened when W came to visit me one month ago cuz moving is such a hassle, from telling them i had to move, looking for new places to actually moving into the new place. I was so stressed i can't even eat properly and my weight drooped rapidly(thats the only thing I feel less sad). Anyway, the moment that really triggers me to leave is a battery, yes a battery. When W came to visit me we planned to go to a Small trip to meet up his friend in US. Few days. A week before we left I found that the fire alarm battery was low and it made weird nose. My roommate promised he would change the battery but he didn't. You know although you never really "use" the fire alarm but we kinna need a working one, especially when i am not home. Therefore I brought a new battery for the fire alarm before we went to the trip and i leave the receipt and a note asking them for half of the battery cost which is not expensive at all. However, i got a nasty sms on the way of my trip about why would I asked them for money. The interesting thing is in the sms he is not only making excuse of how he should not pay for it but also accusing me for asking it. To be honest I am the kind who is very easy got bother by this kind of thing, and i could get very nervous. the worst part of these is i can't talk to him face to face. That sms is like a long-distance slap from him. Right there, that is the time that I decided to move.

Bonce story: GAY RAPE ALARM

When W heard that I wanted to move he was really happy not only because he think my roommates are nothing but jerks but also he provoked one of the creepy guy in my previous apartment building. Yes, In my previous apartment building there is this creepy guy who always acts very wired when he sees me. The first time we "met" was on the bus, when we saw me he just kept staring at me which was supper awkward. Ever since we "met" when he sees me (mostly in the elevator) he would keeps staring at me and dose strange things like whistling and small dance, yes, small dance in elevator! One time that really creeps me out is he followed me for quite long distance. However, because I think the area where i live is quite crowed so I never thought it would be very dangerous. However, When W came, the first day, he met his creepy guy at the lobby of my building, i still dont know if its a mistake to tell him about the creey guy. anyway, i told him, and W was really angry after i told him and he looked at him angrily when he pass us. To be honest I did feel happy because he kinna protected me. However, what about after he leave? When W leave he can't protect me like this time and now W had provked him...soon he realized that was a impetuous move and he told me i had to move out this area and even if i should get a rape alarm....and i was like, "rape......wait!?......rape alarm??? for me??? what??" and he was like "yea, you should carry it and if he try anything stupid you have ring your alarm!!" I have never heard stupid idea like that before for a long time but at least i know he cares. anyway thats why he is happy when he know I am moving.